Putting a stop to a lack of consideration (member, children, grandmother)
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I'm a planner. I like to know things in advance, plan and not rush.
I am in the minority, and it definitely doesn't work with my step kids.
I decided to just wing it, so everyone can have a good time. Otherwise (with the youngest), I give him an either or choice, "let me know by X time, or I cannot do it". He understands and complies.
Yep. That is how it is with me. I just like to know "what's what and when", so that I can plan and organize. I am really not all that controlling with other people, except when it affects my schedule* -- if that makes any sense.
Btw, I think you are right in that you and I are in the minority.
*However, to be honest, as I said in my OP, when she was a minor and still living in our home, I did try (without much success) to control my daughter's actions when she was making bad choices. (I would add "in my opinion", but how can anyone consider ditching high school and then dropping out to NOT to be a bad choice? And that is just one of a dozen or so really bad choices she made. However, she later obtained her GED, and she has definitely turned herself around in the last three years -- and in some ways she is a better mom that I was -- so good for her!)
Last edited by katharsis; 04-03-2017 at 11:24 AM..
They will be here between 3 and 4, they will stay with us until the kids are fed (at about 5:30); and then she and her friend will get something to eat on the way to the concert, spend the night at a hotel, and they will pick up the kids tomorrow morning. So problem solved for today, but why couldn't she have told me all this yesterday? LOL.
(Rhetorical question, no answer required! I will, however, ask her that question -- with a smile in my voice! -- later this week!)
Maybe they were still finalizing their plans, and she didn't want to tell you until she had a definitive answer. If she only decided three days ago to bring a friend instead of her husband, it could take a few days for the two to figure out what they were doing before and after the concert. Yes, it would have been nice if she would have answered your email right away, but with past history, maybe she didn't want to just respond with "I don't know what we are doing yet." She didn't want you to say "Oh, just have dinner with us and stay here", and then have a confrontation or a ticked off mom when they decided to go out for dinner and stay at a hotel.
I know you said you don't text, but do you have a cell? If so, in the future if she doesn't tell you what time she is dropping the kids off, just go about your day as you normally would. When she calls asking where you are, tell her sorry, but since she never told you what time she was coming you decided to run a few errands and will be back at such and such time. Don't get confrontational or act ticked off. After a few times of this happening, hopefully she'll start to realize that she needs to go over the specifics with you. But if she doesn't, she'll only be inconveniencing herself if you don't just sit around waiting for her.
I have found with family house guests, that they don't expect or care about a home cooked meal. I agree with you, that she should tell you her plans ahead of time, but I wouldn't put a lot of effort into a meal, or anything. If she wanted it, she'd let you know.
You're the one doing the favor, so theoretically you should be the one able to dictate terms. So, to begin with, no need to apologize for not texting. You can demand how you want to be contacted.
Try making the arrangements with specific boundaries. Such as, "Yes, it would be fine if you'd like to come the weekend of the 15th, but I'd need to know by the 10th. I'll be home by 5:00 on the 15th - so could you plan to arrive between 5:00 and 7:00? Let me know." And if she doesn't follow up as you request, when she finally gets in touch, you tell her, but you're sorry, you've made other plans. To avoid her showing up anywhere been 11-7, the trick is not to be sitting there that whole time.
(Assuming she texts ...) I wonder how your relationship with her might change if you COULD text.
You may balk at the idea, but you also might be surprised at how often you communicate in smaller "more digestible" doses.
If something's not working, I've always tried to meet people "where they're at." You may find her more responsive if you use HER form of communication.
I'm sorry your daughter takes advantage of you. If she has 3 kids and she's 25, I wouldn't bet on her being the mature one. You are far from a dinosaur, you can absolutely learn to text, and she might appreciate it. However, it won't make her more mature.
Probably because she is having a night out with a friend and plans on going out after the concert. Plus the OP doesn't have enough beds, so it'll be more comfortable for the friend to just get a hotel room.
Not to mention the OP is already saying a confrontation might happen like it did last time she didn't approve of her adult daughter's friend. I wouldn't want to put a friend in such a situation, so it's probably less drama to just stay somewhere else.
Send her one last text: "I haven't gotten any response from you about today, so I assume your plans have changed and you forgot to tell us. Sorry to miss seeing you, Dad and I are planning to meet friends for dinner and go to a movie."
THAT will get a response, if she was counting on babysitting. :-)
^^^This, I realize the OP got a response but people need to be told about their bad behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00
Maybe they were still finalizing their plans, and she didn't want to tell you until she had a definitive answer. If she only decided three days ago to bring a friend instead of her husband, it could take a few days for the two to figure out what they were doing before and after the concert. Yes, it would have been nice if she would have answered your email right away, but with past history, maybe she didn't want to just respond with "I don't know what we are doing yet." She didn't want you to say "Oh, just have dinner with us and stay here", and then have a confrontation or a ticked off mom when they decided to go out for dinner and stay at a hotel.
I know you said you don't text, but do you have a cell? If so, in the future if she doesn't tell you what time she is dropping the kids off, just go about your day as you normally would. When she calls asking where you are, tell her sorry, but since she never told you what time she was coming you decided to run a few errands and will be back at such and such time. Don't get confrontational or act ticked off. After a few times of this happening, hopefully she'll start to realize that she needs to go over the specifics with you. But if she doesn't, she'll only be inconveniencing herself if you don't just sit around waiting for her.
Sorry, even an " I don't know what we are doing yet for sure, will let you know as soon as I can", is what you do rather than leave people in the lurch. It's called good communication.
Sadly the trend today and more so with younger people(although plenty of older people do it now as well) is they don't think of other people's time anymore.
Once something has changed or canceled they don't need to worry about anyone else they may be impacting.
For example even if they mention tentative plans and than decide they can't make it, they don't THINK of the other people. As is being considerate enough to let the other party/parties know something has changed. There is no "wanted to let you know we can't make it Saturday night, so wanted to give you a heads up so you can do something else".
It's all about them, they won't be seeing you, so they don't that you might have something else you could do had they let you known in advance.
Sorry, even an " I don't know what we are doing yet for sure, will let you know as soon as I can", is what you do rather than leave people in the lurch. It's called good communication.
I agree that in most situations it would be better to give some sort of response, even if there are no set plans. But it seems like there is a lot of bad history between the OP and her daughter where the daughter felt it was just best to wait.
This has nothing to do with the daughter's age, but rather the OP admitting that in the past she has been confrontational and ticked off in the past about her adult daughter's friends. It doesn't seem like we are talking about a healthy mother/daughter relationship If the adult daughter feels a need to lie about her day to her mother.
Plus, there is also the fact is that I haven't cut relations off with her in the past (despite extreme provocation to do so); and she probably knows that I won't do it this time, either.
Please don't ever cut her off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
This doesn't address the communication issues long term but for tonight I would:
1.) Plan for the friend to sleep on the couch.
2.) Assume daughter and friend will not be having dinner with you because of their evening plans. Plan to have food for your grands.
3.) Go about your day as usual with the expectation that your visitors will be arriving sometime in the late afternoon/early evening prior to the start of the concert.
^ This is perfect.
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