Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a neighbor who befriended me. He is a middle-aged married man and I am a retired female about 10 years older than he. He did me a lot of favors helping me fix things at my home, and even though I paid him he charged me well below market rates. He is super-friendly and sometimes shows up unexpectedly at my door with some home-made food.
The thing is, he is overly-friendly and a bit over-bearing. He phones me nearly daily. Today he has already called me three times. He is constantly inviting me to do things, like last night he wanted to grab a casual dinner, to which I said no, and insists that when I pass by his house on my daily walks that I engage in conversation with him. Even though I nearly always say no, he never stops inviting me to do things. I'm getting tired of it. There really aren't a lot of alternative walking routes to avoid running into him all the time.
I would be happy to be on an acquaintance level with this fellow, but I feel like he thinks we are really good friends. The endless pressure to socialize or join him in activities is getting on my nerves. I don't think he has any romantic interest. He does not seem to do that many activities with his wife though, he may be lonely, and I often feel like saying to him, "Why are you pressuring ME to go out to eat or socialize? You have a wife." I'm not very sociable and go out very little, and that's how I like it.
How can I put this "friendship" back on a more distant acquaintance level? Any ideas?
I have a neighbor who befriended me. He is a middle-aged married man and I am a retired female about 10 years older than he. He did me a lot of favors helping me fix things at my home, and even though I paid him he charged me well below market rates. He is super-friendly and sometimes shows up unexpectedly at my door with some home-made food.
The thing is, he is overly-friendly and a bit over-bearing. He phones me nearly daily. Today he has already called me three times. He is constantly inviting me to do things, like last night he wanted to grab a casual dinner, to which I said no, and insists that when I pass by his house on my daily walks that I engage in conversation with him. Even though I nearly always say no, he never stops inviting me to do things. I'm getting tired of it. There really aren't a lot of alternative walking routes to avoid running into him all the time.
I would be happy to be on an acquaintance level with this fellow, but I feel like he thinks we are really good friends. The endless pressure to socialize or join him in activities is getting on my nerves. I don't think he has any romantic interest. He does not seem to do that many activities with his wife though, he may be lonely, and I often feel like saying to him, "Why are you pressuring ME to go out to eat or socialize? You have a wife." I'm not very sociable and go out very little, and that's how I like it.
How can I put this "friendship" back on a more distant acquaintance level? Any ideas?
Bolded:
1. Get caller ID.
2. Start taking your walks in the opposite direction. You don't need "a lot of alternative walking routes". You only need one. Use it.
Underlined:
Smile sweetly, and say, "Aww, that's so sweet, but I'm sure your wife would love a night out with you!" Keep doing that when inappropriate invitations are issued. If he persists, treat it like a joke, and chuckling, say, "I bet your wife wouldn't be happy to know you want to take me to dinner! Naughty, naughty"--laugh.
Where is this guy's wife? Does she never venture outside? Is she ill or an invalid? If you see her, you should befriend her. If he sees you chatting with his wife, that may be sufficient turn-off.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-16-2017 at 01:47 PM..
Ruth, befriending his wife could also be a slippery slope.
Reminds me of 'The Godfather' when Michael proclaims
"Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in!"
But I agree with everything else you posted.
Last edited by TerraDown; 04-16-2017 at 01:50 PM..
I had a similar situation with a neighbor years ago. Then one night when my husband was gone, my dogs were barking and barking at the back door so I called the police. They came and looked all around and found nothing. But from then on the neighbor just left me alone. I think you need to tell him you feel he is pressuring you inappropriately and want him to stop. Write him a note if that is easier, and include that you hope you don't have to tell his wife. Now that I'm old myself I see several of these old idiots around and it is really disgusting.
Bolded:
1. Get caller ID.
2. Start taking your walks in the opposite direction. You don't need "a lot of alternative walking routes". You only need one. Use it.
Underlined:
Smile sweetly, and say, "Aww, that's so sweet, but I'm sure your wife would love a night out with you!" Keep doing that when inappropriate invitations are issued. If he persists, treat it like a joke, and chuckling, say, "I bet your wife wouldn't be happy to know you want to take me to dinner! Naughty, naughty"--laugh.
Where is this guy's wife? Does she never venture outside? Is she ill or an invalid? If you see her, you should befriend her. If he sees you chatting with his wife, that may be sufficient turn-off.
Thanks! Good suggestions, I have partially implemented some of them. I have met his wife. I run into her also on the walking trail, and have chatted with her. She's nice and everything but works long hours.
I have caller ID, and often do not answer when he phones, but he is persistent and keeps phoning. Sometimes when I don't answer repeatedly he actually drives up to my house and knocks on my door. When I said we're neighbors I mean he lives several houses down from me, not right next door.
"Why are you pressuring ME to go out to eat or socialize? You have a wife."
Why not say this to him, then? Worried about offending someone who annoys you to the point that you don't like them?
Good call. I may say that, but in a less direct manner maybe. He is really nice and I don't want to offend him. Like I said, I'm happy to be his acquaintance, just not his best buddy.
Thanks! Good suggestions, I have partially implemented some of them. I have met his wife. I run into her also on the walking trail, and have chatted with her. She's nice and everything but works long hours.
I have caller ID, and often do not answer when he phones, but he is persistent and keeps phoning. Sometimes when I don't answer repeatedly he actually drives up to my house and knocks on my door. When I said we're neighbors I mean he lives several houses down from me, not right next door.
thanks again.
Boundary issues! Ew! So, do you answer the door, or hang out in a back room or back yard? Getting creepy now....
Since you're friendly with the wife, you could always play that card, if necessary. "You're too kind, Mr. So-&-so. I'd hate to have to tell your wife about these persistent invitations. She's such a sweet woman!"
I don't buy that he has zero romantic interest in you.
I understand that you want to be kind to him, and you can do that, but you will also need to be firm to get this to stop.
Frankly, I would tell him that it makes you uncomfortable for him to call you and show up at your house. Tell him you think it's inappropriate for him to do these things when he is a married man, and that you really don't want to become the subject of unwarranted neighborhood gossip. Also mention that you think his wife is very nice and that you wouldn't want HER to become the subject of neighborhood gossip either.
If he persists, tell the same to his wife.
Making you change your habits to avoid him is not what friends do. He is not respecting your boundaries, so you have to show him how.
He most certainly is interested in you (or maybe you & your purse). Tell him no because you have plans with your boyfriend.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
