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Maybe it's time to reconsider this guy? Any guy who asks his serious GF to come to a family dinner and asks her to pay is either a cheapskate, a douche or person who does not know how to be a gentleman.
Totally agree. What is the status of your relationship? Even though you are young after 3 years I would expect more consideration.
Of course I'm capable of paying for my own food, but there were very few situations where I'd be out to dinner with a BF's family (especially as students, who aren't known for having lots of disposable income) where his parents haven't said something like "don't be silly, put your money away." If the OP really has been dating this lady's son for three years, singling her out is not a very unifying gesture.
The mom didn't invite the OP. When I eat out with others, I prefer to pay my own. I felt this way when I was a college student. I didn't like my in-laws paying for my meal even years after being married. And I don't like when my parents or grandparents pay for my meal when we eat out. Doesn't matter who invited me, I still feel I should pay my own way.
It's not that I just expect her to pay for my meal, but it's the fact that usually when you are invited to go out with a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend and their parents, the majority of the time the parent's just pay for everyone. Also,I was invited to go, so naturally I kind of thought she would be paying; and it's also kind of awkward because she will be paying for everyone there except for me. I do not have an issue paying for my own food it's just the fact that it seems like she doesn't want me there and this was a passive aggressive way of saying "I don't really want to, but I guess."
We've been together for three years and we never go out to eat for special occasions with his family, so it can be kinda hurtful when practically the one time you are invited, it's basically just "yah she can tag along if she pays for herself." Why am I not worth it haha, I just want to feel included! :P
You said the son is coming home after being away so yeah she would like time with her children without girlfriends or friends. I don't see how it's awkward for you to pay for yourself. No she doesn't really want you there. She wants time with her sons. You are being included even though that's clearly not what she really wants. What's wrong with her wanting just a family dinner? I've been married to my husband for over 20 years and we each do things with our families alone. We don't tag along to every family function.
When one person is paying for everyone but you, it's awkward. When my then boyfriend's parents invited me to a family dinner, they paid. If everyone paid for their own, that would be different.
I don't see how paying for a meal is awkward. I've been doing it for decades! I also prefer to pay my own way in life.
You said the son is coming home after being away so yeah she would like time with her children without girlfriends or friends. I don't see how it's awkward for you to pay for yourself. No she doesn't really want you there. She wants time with her sons. You are being included even though that's clearly not what she really wants. What's wrong with her wanting just a family dinner? I've been married to my husband for over 20 years and we each do things with our families alone. We don't tag along to every family function.
It's not awkward for me to pay for myself, it's just a little awkward because she is paying for everyone else there except for me. Imagine if you wanted to go out with friends and one of them said they were paying for all the rest of them, including your husband, but if you wanted to come you would have to pay for yourself... It's sorta like why bother inviting me in the first place? There is also nothing wrong with her wanting a family dinner, I never said there was... That's not where my problem lies. It's just I would have rather her not invite me at all, then passive aggressively invite me. If she wanted time with just her kids she could have had dinner with just them, they do it all the time. But, like I have said in a previous comment, I rarely go out to eat with his family. This would be like the second time I have gone out with his whole family for dinner in our entire 3 year relationship. So for you to assume that I try to tag along to everything is very unfair and inaccurate... She shouldn't have extended the invitation if she did not really want me there, but she did in a relatively passive aggressive manner, which is where my frustration comes from. Hope you get what I'm saying now.
It's not awkward for me to pay for myself, it's just a little awkward because she is paying for everyone else there except for me. Imagine if you wanted to go out with friends and one of them said they were paying for all the rest of them, including your husband, but if you wanted to come you would have to pay for yourself... It's sorta like why bother inviting me in the first place? There is also nothing wrong with her wanting a family dinner, I never said there was... That's not where my problem lies. It's just I would have rather her not invite me at all, then passive aggressively invite me. If she wanted time with just her kids she could have had dinner with just them, they do it all the time. But, like I have said in a previous comment, I rarely go out to eat with his family. This would be like the second time I have gone out with his whole family for dinner in our entire 3 year relationship. So for you to assume that I try to tag along to everything is very unfair and inaccurate... She shouldn't have extended the invitation if she did not really want me there, but she did in a relatively passive aggressive manner, which is where my frustration comes from. Hope you get what I'm saying now.
You don't see how your BF could've handled this differently? Don't target all the attention on his mother.
It's not awkward for me to pay for myself, it's just a little awkward because she is paying for everyone else there except for me. Imagine if you wanted to go out with friends and one of them said they were paying for all the rest of them, including your husband, but if you wanted to come you would have to pay for yourself... It's sorta like why bother inviting me in the first place? There is also nothing wrong with her wanting a family dinner, I never said there was... That's not where my problem lies. It's just I would have rather her not invite me at all, then passive aggressively invite me. If she wanted time with just her kids she could have had dinner with just them, they do it all the time. But, like I have said in a previous comment, I rarely go out to eat with his family. This would be like the second time I have gone out with his whole family for dinner in our entire 3 year relationship. So for you to assume that I try to tag along to everything is very unfair and inaccurate... She shouldn't have extended the invitation if she did not really want me there, but she did in a relatively passive aggressive manner, which is where my frustration comes from. Hope you get what I'm saying now.
I get what you are saying but the issue may be with your bf, not her. The way you laid out the 'invitation' here would not make ME feel invited.
Oh yeah, that dinner, you can come. That is not a real invitation. I would have said oh no, I can't intrude on your brother's homecoming dinner. And then if the invitation were real, it would be stated more firmly.
I don't have a comment about the money part. Those dynamics are three years in the making for you two, and a much longer time in your family and his.
I remember some clashes when I was a teen. For the most part, my father always paid for certain things but some he would not. And we didn't go out to eat. Period. So, people were invited to my SM's home cooked meals would have to do. It wasn't a snub to anyone, but some other parents might have thought so.
Also my family was not big on inviting bf's and gf's to anything. I never once had a boyfriend over to dinner until I was older and engaged. My best girlfriends were invited along to anything. Spend the night, have dinner, breakfast, snacks, here is money to go out and do what you want, but not bf's.
And I don't think my father shelled out money for even my gf's unless I said 'she doesn't have any money' otherwise I think he expected them to have their own as he always sent me to other people's houses with my own means to do whatever was planned.
Anyway, family dynamics. His are way older than the two of you.
Thanks for all the help you guys. Some of you gave really helpful advice and opinions, others not so much haha! I didn't end up going for those who are interested. The dinner situation is over with now and I feel like at this point I have read and talked enough to form my final thoughts and opinions. Again thanks for the help guys but since it's over with, there's not much more for us to discuss! Have a good one
That's your choice and that's different than not having a choice because the host is paying for everyone except you.
The OP DOES have a choice - pay for her meal and go to the dinner or don't go to the dinner. Why would you expect her boyfriend's mother to pay for her to attend a dinner that she wasn't really invited to?
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