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You're right. I'm being hard on this guy for things that are out of his control. But meeting him like someone suggested earlier isn't going to change my mind about him. It wouldn't matter to me how nice and genuine he seemed because I know that people can seem nice and genuine and then later on you find out that it was all fake. So I'm just going to have to trust her judgment on this one and she's decided that he's worth marrying, so that's that.
My goodness, Sugar. This is a tough way to go through life. Are there people you know who you do trust? How long do you have to know them before you're able to trust them?
A corollary to your theory is that sometimes people can seem like jerks, but turn out to be generous, kind, and nice. You're right that image isn't everything, but it works both ways.
Admitting it is worthless if there's no effort to change.
A few pages before, the OP wrote:
"You're right. I'm being hard on this guy for things that are out of his control. But meeting him like someone suggested earlier isn't going to change my mind about him. It wouldn't matter to me how nice and genuine he seemed because I know that people can seem nice and genuine and then later on you find out that it was all fake. So I'm just going to have to trust her judgment on this one and she's decided that he's worth marrying, so that's that."
That sounds like progress to me compared to the first post.
But you all went right on beating her up without skipping a beat. Some of you must be having a really bad day.
1. She met him in his native country, and I wonder if he's using her to get US citizenship.
Possibly. But possibly not.
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
2. She's in the process of buying a house and now he's going to be moving in. I don't know what he does for work and how much money he'll actually be contributing. I think she's smart enough not to let a man use her as a free ride, but you never know.
I suspect she probably knows more about his finances than you do. Trust her intelligence.
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
3. She's not some naive woman who easily falls in love, so I shouldn't worry about her too much, but I also don't really trust men.
Stop projecting your own fears on your cousin. As you say, she's not some naive woman, and she sounds as if she's smart enough to walk into a relationship with eyes wide open.
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
4. I'm glad she's happy and he might actually be a good guy. She's had several boyfriends, but I've never seen her really in love before and I've always thought of her as super independent, so maybe I'm just bothered that she'll be turning into a "married woman" like everyone else. Her Facebook post about her engagement got a lot of attention although people usually ignore the rest of the stuff she posts. It's like, your life isn't important to people until some guy decides to give you a ring? That's the only thing that's worth pressing the "like" button for? I'm sounding like a bitter, single woman right now, so I'll stop there. lol
How much attention is a selfie with Mickey Mouse and a comment "hey, I'm at Disneyworld eating a bratwurst!" supposed to garner? Getting married is a big life step, and it sounds as if she has a lot of friends who are happy for her. People are acknowledging it. Don't overanalyze it.
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
In conclusion, I fully plan to support her and will try very hard to muster up more excitement than I currently feel.
You don't have to be excited. You don't have to be reassured. You don't have to have all your fears resolved. It's her choice, it's her life, and nothing that you have any control over. Be happy that she's happy. Unless you have a concrete reason to believe she's being bamboozled by a green-card seeking fortune hunter -- wish her well, go the wedding, and smile.
Yeah, I know it's not that uncommon not to be too excited about an upcoming wedding. I've never been a bridesmaid before, but of course I'll agree to do it if asked, even though I do think it's more fun to attend as a guest. The wedding might not happen until next year anyway since they just got engaged.
Given your lack of excitement, why on earth would you agree to be in the wedding? If I were the bride, I should wouldn't want a Debbie Downer like you in the wedding party.
"You're right. I'm being hard on this guy for things that are out of his control. But meeting him like someone suggested earlier isn't going to change my mind about him. It wouldn't matter to me how nice and genuine he seemed because I know that people can seem nice and genuine and then later on you find out that it was all fake. So I'm just going to have to trust her judgment on this one and she's decided that he's worth marrying, so that's that."
That sounds like progress to me compared to the first post.
But you all went right on beating her up without skipping a beat. Some of you must be having a really bad day.
My goodness, Sugar. This is a tough way to go through life. Are there people you know who you do trust? How long do you have to know them before you're able to trust them?
My mom actually says that I'm too trusting. She says that I'm not suspicious enough of people and that I assume that everyone is harmless. I don't agree with her, but this is what a person who actually knows me thinks of me. I guess the truth is that I'm more likely to trust certain people more than others even without knowing them well, and this guy just doesn't fall into that particular group of people.
Quote:
A corollary to your theory is that sometimes people can seem like jerks, but turn out to be generous, kind, and nice. You're right that image isn't everything, but it works both ways.
I definitely sometimes have preconceived notions about people, but I don't think that's uncommon. I have a coworker who I assumed was a certain way but then after I talked to him a few times, I was surprised to find out that I actually think he's a pretty cool guy. (I mean, as far as I know since I don't know what he's like outside of work.) But assuming that he is the person who he seems to be, I can admit that I was wrong about him, so I could also be wrong about other people.
Given your lack of excitement, why on earth would you agree to be in the wedding? If I were the bride, I should wouldn't want a Debbie Downer like you in the wedding party.
If she asked me to do it, I would. I DON'T HATE THE GUY. I don't know him. I'll behave appropriately at her wedding the same way I'd behave at anyone else's.
My mom actually says that I'm too trusting. She says that I'm not suspicious enough of people and that I assume that everyone is harmless. I don't agree with her, but this is what a person who actually knows me thinks of me. I guess the truth is that I'm more likely to trust certain people more than others even without knowing them well, and this guy just doesn't fall into that particular group of people.
I definitely sometimes have preconceived notions about people, but I don't think that's uncommon. I have a coworker who I assumed was a certain way but then after I talked to him a few times, I was surprised to find out that I actually think he's a pretty cool guy. (I mean, as far as I know since I don't know what he's like outside of work.) But assuming that he is the person who he seems to be, I can admit that I was wrong about him, so I could also be wrong about other people.
OK so addressing the bold, what specifically do you mean by "certain people"? I have a feeling I already know but I'm curious to see if you admit it especially given your second paragraph.
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