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We had a child we lost to cancer about a decade ago. We moved after it happened to start fresh, as living in the same house that we had with our child was way too hard. We gradually rebuilt our lives and met new people in our new spot.
We had been trying to adopt another (older) child, but it fell through after a long expensive battle and lots of heartache. So we kind of gave up on parenthood. I found out I was pregnant recently. I have had issues with fertility in the past, so it was a total surprise. We are still early and being really cautious but so far so good. We are worried and excited.
We (my mate particularly, but the three of us do hang out) have a buddy who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. Nice guy and I like him, but he spends a lot of time with us since the breakup and is a bit aimless/even a tad sponge-y-- like if we offered for him to move in with us he would and we would end up supporting him while he spent his days watching sports. My mate let slip about the pregnancy and buddy has said the following in front of both of us:
"Babies are so boring."
"You can't see your friends ever again if you have a baby."
"My buddy so and so hates having a kid. You should ask him about it."
"There is no way you can go to Vegas with your boys if you have a kid." (Not that a trip to Vegas has ever been on the table, nor would this guy be the one to pay his own way.)
And so on.
This guy really doesn't know the pain we went through losing our daughter, and though he was aware of some of our adoption struggles, he seemed a little relieved when it was over. I think he's worried about not having access to boozey times at our place. His reaction seems a bit off. I don't expect him to be head over heels, but my mate commented that he thought he was acting "like a jealous sibling." And really, does he expect us to terminate this pregnancy on HIS advice??
Any ideas on how to approach the next time he says something like this? Anyone have friends who did not react well to your family growing?
How about kicking him out the door?! Who needs THAT?! He is speaking from ignorance, not knowing your background, but still . . . what he has said is typical of a free-wheeling lifestyle that has no ties to anyone. He just doesn't get it.
Also, you and/or your partner/husband needs to sit down with your "mate" and say, "Look -- WE love children. We lost a child 10 years ago to cancer. I can't even tell you how painful that was, and I'm not going to talk about it now. We then tried to adopt, but it fell through. This pregnancy is a miracle and a blessing to us. For you to sit there and say "Babies are boring" is one of the worst things you can say to us. If you can't be happy for us, then at least SHUT UP."
He sounds obtuse. Honestly, I think I would've gone OFF on him by now. lol I think you or your mate are completely within bounds telling him what your priorities will be now, and that you don't appreciate denigrating talk about a new baby. And if I were the one doing the talking, I'd probably be a little loud. LOL
He DOES sound like a jealous sibling. A YOUNG jealous sibling.
We had a child we lost to cancer about a decade ago. We moved after it happened to start fresh, as living in the same house that we had with our child was way too hard. We gradually rebuilt our lives and met new people in our new spot.
We had been trying to adopt another (older) child, but it fell through after a long expensive battle and lots of heartache. So we kind of gave up on parenthood. I found out I was pregnant recently. I have had issues with fertility in the past, so it was a total surprise. We are still early and being really cautious but so far so good. We are worried and excited.
We (my mate particularly, but the three of us do hang out) have a buddy who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. Nice guy and I like him, but he spends a lot of time with us since the breakup and is a bit aimless/even a tad sponge-y-- like if we offered for him to move in with us he would and we would end up supporting him while he spent his days watching sports. My mate let slip about the pregnancy and buddy has said the following in front of both of us:
"Babies are so boring."
"You can't see your friends ever again if you have a baby."
"My buddy so and so hates having a kid. You should ask him about it."
"There is no way you can go to Vegas with your boys if you have a kid." (Not that a trip to Vegas has ever been on the table, nor would this guy be the one to pay his own way.)
And so on.
This guy really doesn't know the pain we went through losing our daughter, and though he was aware of some of our adoption struggles, he seemed a little relieved when it was over. I think he's worried about not having access to boozey times at our place. His reaction seems a bit off. I don't expect him to be head over heels, but my mate commented that he thought he was acting "like a jealous sibling." And really, does he expect us to terminate this pregnancy on HIS advice??
Any ideas on how to approach the next time he says something like this? Anyone have friends who did not react well to your family growing?
You have been through a terrible ordeal and, suddenly, life has handed you a miracle. And he wants to crap on it.
He is nothing less than a self-centered a-hole for weighing in on this in the first place and teeing off on your happiness. Of course, how he chooses to live his life should have tipped you off on that personality flaw.
Dress him down and clear, uncertain terms. And if it ends your friendship, so what? Why would you invite someone like this into your life in the first place?
This screams selfishness and jealousy. He's afraid that he will lose his mooch-pad. The world now seems full of adult man-babies that try to live off others. Why did so many men refuse to grow up?
The next time he says something like that, just say "Yeah, we will miss you. In fact, don't you have somewhere you need to be now? We want to talk about the baby, and we know you aren't interested." Then proceed to gush about baby stuff. Drive it home that your life will include a little one - and he can adjust or move on.
This screams selfishness and jealousy. He's afraid that he will lose his mooch-pad. The world now seems full of adult man-babies that try to live off others. Why did so many men refuse to grow up?
The next time he says something like that, just say "Yeah, we will miss you. In fact, don't you have somewhere you need to be now? We want to talk about the baby, and we know you aren't interested." Then proceed to gush about baby stuff. Drive it home that your life will include a little one - and he can adjust or move on.
This is an EXCELLENT response! I think every time he comes over I will pull out some catalog of baby clothes or start videos about my developing pregnancy.
This is an EXCELLENT response! I think every time he comes over I will pull out some catalog of baby clothes or start videos about my developing pregnancy.
How about some birthing videos?
Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.
I'm a pretty even tempered person, but if I were in your shoes, I'd have trouble biting my tongue. The next time he says something insensitive, don't hold back. If you really want to put him in his place, tell him your story and then invite him to get the eff out. If you'd rather not share the details, tell him he has no idea what you and your mate have been through, he's being incredibly thoughtless and selfish, and then invite him to get the eff out.
He's jealous because he knows the dynamics are about to change, and he's going to fall to the bottom of the priority list.
I'm a pretty even tempered person, but if I were in your shoes, I'd have trouble biting my tongue. The next time he says something insensitive, don't hold back. If you really want to put him in his place, tell him your story and then invite him to get the eff out. If you'd rather not share the details, tell him he has no idea what you and your mate have been through, he's being incredibly thoughtless and selfish, and then invite him to get the eff out.
He's jealous because he knows the dynamics are about to change, and he's going to fall to the bottom of the priority list.
I think he knows this, exactly. More than that, its happened before from some of his comments. But too bad, so sad.
He sounds like an extremely unhappy and insecure person. I bet he doesn't even realize how much negativity he is spewing. If you (or your partner) truly cares about him, I would bring his attention to it and then continue to point it out every time it happens. Let him know that his friendship is important to you, but you find this type of attitude and negativity very distressing.
If you don't care all that much and would prefer he moves on to new or other friends, then I would just cut him out of your life.
I think you should address it head on if he starts talking like that again: "We're thrilled at the thought of having another child and welcome all the changes it will bring. Babies aren't boring at all to their parents. We can't wait for the baby to get here and look forward to it more every day."
And if you want to get tacky, there's always: "You know what's boring? Hanging out and drinking with the guys like you've been doing since you graduated from college. It's time you got a life, friend."
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