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Actually, I couldn't disagree with you more here. I find that the entire "he has a right to his feelings about it" nonsense is usually offered up when someone is wanting to behave either selfishly or contrary to established facts in a given situation.
When a friend is rejoicing in a situation, your feelings are entirely irrelevant. Your role as a friend is to rejoice with them or keep your mouth shut. And it certainly isn't to rain on their parade. That's just good old-fashioned narcissism.
1000% agree. Excuse for a self-centered boor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
First *hugs* and congrats!!!!!!!
Next, kick him in the balls and tell him to go get his own life. What a jerk. Give him a pacifier and blankie and tell him "sorry mate, yes, you are being replaced by a real baby...go find new parents".
Sorry, a story a little close to home. But still, huge congrats to you.
Show him the door. Handle him? Not worth your time. A person like that will just bring stress and misery in the future and will never drop this sort of attitude even when the child is around.
He sounds like an extremely unhappy and insecure person. I bet he doesn't even realize how much negativity he is spewing. If you (or your partner) truly cares about him, I would bring his attention to it and then continue to point it out every time it happens. Let him know that his friendship is important to you, but you find this type of attitude and negativity very distressing.
If you don't care all that much and would prefer he moves on to new or other friends, then I would just cut him out of your life.
Yes, he's a real "keeper" in the friendship department.
He is a user and very selfish. If the OP and her husband said they were giving up drinking and no longer keeping alcohol in the house, they would never see him again. Baby or no baby.
OP, very sorry for your loss, and congrats on the new baby.
You sound like a nice couple, I don't understand why this guy is in your life. These are the kind of people you part ways with in your 20s.
I think your husband should take him aside and tell him of the pain and ordeal you both went through losing a child to cancer and having a failed adoption, and should tell him to never, ever make a negative comment regarding babies, children or pregnancy to either of you again.
Your husband should say it firmly and not get into a discussion about it, just relate the above comment and tell him to drop the entire subject.
That sounds nice, but with people like this he might say something like "well that was years ago, you should be over that".
Just going by what the OP wrote, a response like that is possible.
Address it head on. "Look Buddy, we understand that you're probably nervous that things are going to change around here. And to be honest, things WILL change. We won't be boozing it up anymore, and won't be able to have friends over just to drink. Our priorities are changing, and we're excited about it. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to respect it. Because this is happening whether you like it or not."
Don't continue to joke around about it. Be serious. Be straightforward. You don't have to fill him in on everything you've been through.
This is perfect. The guy is lamenting that his old world is growing up and he doesn't want to, seems to me. Is this why the girlfriend broke up with him? LOL.
I sometimes find myself as "the guy" in the OP's scenario. I've got some of the same reservations about kids and wanting to have them. But after bickering on about it in my early 20's to acquaintances who were steadily dropping off the map due to having kids, getting married,. etc, it was time for me to stop complaining about it and realize people are people and let them live their lives.
So now I see someone I know or want to know that has kids and is married, I just keep that aspect out of my head and go with the flow of things. About the only time it bothers me, and should anyone else, is when/if they start projecting the question on to you. "When are you going to get married/have kids/start dating,. yada yada yada?"
I just tell them: "We all have a different meaning in our head when it comes to 'getting a life'. Your vision isn't what I envision."
They either mutually accept that and carry on, or I become some sort of new pariah to them.
How about kicking him out the door?! Who needs THAT?! He is speaking from ignorance, not knowing your background, but still . . . what he has said is typical of a free-wheeling lifestyle that has no ties to anyone. He just doesn't get it.
Also, you and/or your partner/husband needs to sit down with your "mate" and say, "Look -- WE love children. We lost a child 10 years ago to cancer. I can't even tell you how painful that was, and I'm not going to talk about it now. We then tried to adopt, but it fell through. This pregnancy is a miracle and a blessing to us. For you to sit there and say "Babies are boring" is one of the worst things you can say to us. If you can't be happy for us, then at least SHUT UP."
Actually, I couldn't disagree with you more here. I find that the entire "he has a right to his feelings about it" nonsense is usually offered up when someone is wanting to behave either selfishly or contrary to established facts in a given situation.
When a friend is rejoicing in a situation, your feelings are entirely irrelevant. Your role as a friend is to rejoice with them or keep your mouth shut. And it certainly isn't to rain on their parade. That's just good old-fashioned narcissism.
I tend to try and separate feelings from actions/behavior. When I said the guy has a right to his feelings about it, that doesn't mean I think he had a "right" per say to act in the way he did. I mean, obviously, he can choose to act in whatever way he pleases, but when you've generated 5 pages worth of condemnation from strangers on the internet with your actions, your choice has consequences.
I find that far too often, people equate emotions and behavior. Just because you feel something doesn't mean you should act accordingly. Social grace is built upon the ability to sometimes act differently than how you feel. This guy doesn't sound very good at that. But the association seems improperly married the other was around as well. If someone "acts" a certain way, we tend to assume it's congruent with how they feel. At the very least, we try to sell people that our behavior is representative of our feelings - especially when expressing our feelings would be socially inappropriate.
Where we disagree is your statement that if a friend is rejoicing, your feelings are irrelevant and that you should rejoice with them or shut up. In college, one of my close friends got engaged to what can only be described as a grade A D-bag. She was one of those girls who spent her entire life envisioning her wedding - in fact, she had a "book" she started as a child with dresses, flowers, cakes, etc. She was over the moon when she told me and couldn't have been more authentically happy. Problem was, said friend had also shared with me the ins and outs of the relationship over the past 3 years, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Would I have been a good friend to rejoice with her in that moment? Perhaps some people might think so, but I couldn't do it in good conscience. Granted, OPs situation is quite different (and arguably in mine, my emotions were born more out of protection for my friend than myself), but I think sometimes being a good friend entails raining on a parade - especially if it is in a friend's best interest. Again, clearly not the situation with the OP, but food for thought.
People tend to be healthier when they are in touch with their emotions and acknowledge them. Perhaps (as another poster suggested) this guy should have aired those emotions in different company. That said, I don't think friends should expect their friends to always have the same emotions as them - that, IMHO, sounds like narcissism. Expecting this friend to display different behavior sounds fair. Expecting him to share the same feelings...not so much.
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