I really dislike my partner's friends (wife, girlfriend, husband, talks)
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My partner of over a decade has friends I just can't stand. They don't live near by thankfully, but they have been his friends since childhood and he keeps in touch with them. Honestly, they have very little in common any more and even he admits this.
One is a closeted gay guy who is just a snob about everything and has insulted me every time I met him- a bottle of wine I bought for him was "pedestrian" and my choice of restaurant "typical of someone who lives on the East Coast." (he's from the west coast.) Just rude and elitist. He says he is dating a girl but always shows up places with this gay guy and expects everyone to pretend like they don't know he's with him. No one cares.
The next one is kind of a bum, lives off his girlfriend who is more financially stable, and just wants to stay in a high school mentality. Nice enough to my face, but just sort of a loser. Always wants to get stoned or drunk and act like a frat boy.
The last one is a huge fanboy nerd who geeks out on everything. He's probably the most together of the three, but there is no love lost between us. I don't fit his "idea" of the kind of woman his buddy should end up with (I am not into anime and I have a job....) He's very into sports (geeks out on stats, players, etc) and every time he has visited, he spends the whole time monopolizing the discussion about some team he's interested in. He would prefer I didn't exist at all as he rarely has a girlfriend and does not seem comfortable around women.
Again, we don't see these people often, but every time my partner is around them, he goes nuts binge drinking and generally acting like an ass. He has lots of other friends who he does not do this with so I don't get why this trio brings it out in him. He's an adult, otherwise very responsible and we have a great relationship in general.
He's often mused that these guys have been doing "the exact same thing for the last 10 years" meaning that they have not grown (agreed) and that he is so glad he's "not like that." I just don't get what he is getting out of these relationships, unless its just to big himself up a bit and brag, but he's not really the braggy type.
He "can't explain" why he still talks to them when I have asked except that he "has known them a long time." I can totally do without them.
There has been talk of a visit, and I absolutely do not want to host this crew in the house that I pay for. I have done so in the past and they have been nightmares as house guests. A hotel is a fantastic option. But these are his "friends!" so I know he will push.
Any thoughts on why he keeps these chuckleheads around?
He may be glad he's "not like that", but he clearly gets off on it by being around them. I know a couple childhood "friends" like that, but I wouldn't go out of my way to host them... Because it's not that amusing and actually hard to continue a natural flow with them. A hotel sounds like a great idea, and since he's drinking, he can get a room too. Have you told him that you don't like the person he becomes around this trio?
Not exactly the same thing, but on the point of finally putting a foot down about rude guests... I had a live-in BF for several years. His mother would come to visit us from out of state and he would never get nor impose an end date to her visit. He would expect me to entertain her and taxi her around while he was at work (we worked different schedules). The entire time, she'd be rude to me. And she'd stay for weeks!
I finally told him after a couple years of this that she didn't come to see me, but him, that she was very unkind to me while demanding I took care of her, so I would not be taking care of her anymore. From now on, she's all yours to deal with when she comes.
I just stayed away except to come home to sleep, pretty much. If she tried to catch me as I came or went with requests to take her somewhere I finally said, "You came to see your son, you obviously have never cared for me and have only ever been rude to me. Your son says you can stay as long as you like, but for anything you need, you will have to look to him, not me."
She left after about a week that time, and didn't come back lol. He would go visit her instead.
Point being, stop making it easy. I'd just tell your SO that if he wants to have his relationship with them, that's fine, but they are not welcome in the house. However, if he wants to go play in a hotel room with the party boys for days on end, he's welcome to. But, guests who don't behave or are rude to you are not welcome where you live.
There comes a point where a choice has to be made. And offering to let him go party with them somewhere else is a fair compromise. He won't like it, because he'll have to explain that they aren't welcome in his house. But, oh well. Growing up isn't always easy. And living with someone requires compromise. He needs to learn that he needs to have your back. You come first. He shouldn't be letting people treat you badly in your home. Letting him go party with them somewhere else is a very fair compromise, in my opinion. Asking you to let them treat you badly and misbehave in your home is not acceptable in my opinion, either.
My partner of over a decade has friends I just can't stand. They don't live near by thankfully, but they have been his friends since childhood and he keeps in touch with them. Honestly, they have very little in common any more and even he admits this.
One is a closeted gay guy who is just a snob about everything and has insulted me every time I met him- a bottle of wine I bought for him was "pedestrian" and my choice of restaurant "typical of someone who lives on the East Coast." (he's from the west coast.) Just rude and elitist. He says he is dating a girl but always shows up places with this gay guy and expects everyone to pretend like they don't know he's with him. No one cares.
The next one is kind of a bum, lives off his girlfriend who is more financially stable, and just wants to stay in a high school mentality. Nice enough to my face, but just sort of a loser. Always wants to get stoned or drunk and act like a frat boy.
The last one is a huge fanboy nerd who geeks out on everything. He's probably the most together of the three, but there is no love lost between us. I don't fit his "idea" of the kind of woman his buddy should end up with (I am not into anime and I have a job....) He's very into sports (geeks out on stats, players, etc) and every time he has visited, he spends the whole time monopolizing the discussion about some team he's interested in. He would prefer I didn't exist at all as he rarely has a girlfriend and does not seem comfortable around women.
Again, we don't see these people often, but every time my partner is around them, he goes nuts binge drinking and generally acting like an ass. He has lots of other friends who he does not do this with so I don't get why this trio brings it out in him. He's an adult, otherwise very responsible and we have a great relationship in general.
He's often mused that these guys have been doing "the exact same thing for the last 10 years" meaning that they have not grown (agreed) and that he is so glad he's "not like that." I just don't get what he is getting out of these relationships, unless its just to big himself up a bit and brag, but he's not really the braggy type.
He "can't explain" why he still talks to them when I have asked except that he "has known them a long time." I can totally do without them.
There has been talk of a visit, and I absolutely do not want to host this crew in the house that I pay for. I have done so in the past and they have been nightmares as house guests. A hotel is a fantastic option. But these are his "friends!" so I know he will push.
Any thoughts on why he keeps these chuckleheads around?
The honest question sounds more like this.
Why am I so insecure about this, why don't I just lay down the law.
My wife wouldn't put up with it for one second. None of it.
My partner of over a decade has friends I just can't stand. They don't live near by thankfully, but they have been his friends since childhood and he keeps in touch with them. Honestly, they have very little in common any more and even he admits this.
One is a closeted gay guy who is just a snob about everything and has insulted me every time I met him- a bottle of wine I bought for him was "pedestrian" and my choice of restaurant "typical of someone who lives on the East Coast." (he's from the west coast.) Just rude and elitist. He says he is dating a girl but always shows up places with this gay guy and expects everyone to pretend like they don't know he's with him. No one cares.
The next one is kind of a bum, lives off his girlfriend who is more financially stable, and just wants to stay in a high school mentality. Nice enough to my face, but just sort of a loser. Always wants to get stoned or drunk and act like a frat boy.
The last one is a huge fanboy nerd who geeks out on everything. He's probably the most together of the three, but there is no love lost between us. I don't fit his "idea" of the kind of woman his buddy should end up with (I am not into anime and I have a job....) He's very into sports (geeks out on stats, players, etc) and every time he has visited, he spends the whole time monopolizing the discussion about some team he's interested in. He would prefer I didn't exist at all as he rarely has a girlfriend and does not seem comfortable around women.
Again, we don't see these people often, but every time my partner is around them, he goes nuts binge drinking and generally acting like an ass. He has lots of other friends who he does not do this with so I don't get why this trio brings it out in him. He's an adult, otherwise very responsible and we have a great relationship in general.
He's often mused that these guys have been doing "the exact same thing for the last 10 years" meaning that they have not grown (agreed) and that he is so glad he's "not like that." I just don't get what he is getting out of these relationships, unless its just to big himself up a bit and brag, but he's not really the braggy type.
He "can't explain" why he still talks to them when I have asked except that he "has known them a long time." I can totally do without them.
There has been talk of a visit, and I absolutely do not want to host this crew in the house that I pay for. I have done so in the past and they have been nightmares as house guests. A hotel is a fantastic option. But these are his "friends!" so I know he will push.
Any thoughts on why he keeps these chuckleheads around?
Say "no" to the party. But let him keep his friends. Your partner is loyal which means, in turn, he is loyal to you. I mean, hey, my wife has a couple of friends that I wouldn't spit on if they were on fire. But I am cordial to them nonetheless because they are my wife's friends.
Again, we don't see these people often, but every time my partner is around them, he goes nuts binge drinking and generally acting like an ass. He has lots of other friends who he does not do this with so I don't get why this trio brings it out in him. He's an adult, otherwise very responsible and we have a great relationship in general.
He's often mused that these guys have been doing "the exact same thing for the last 10 years" meaning that they have not grown (agreed) and that he is so glad he's "not like that." I just don't get what he is getting out of these relationships, unless its just to big himself up a bit and brag, but he's not really the braggy type.
He "can't explain" why he still talks to them when I have asked except that he "has known them a long time." I can totally do without them.
There has been talk of a visit, and I absolutely do not want to host this crew in the house that I pay for. I have done so in the past and they have been nightmares as house guests. A hotel is a fantastic option. But these are his "friends!" so I know he will push.
Any thoughts on why he keeps these chuckleheads around?
Perhaps, on occasion he likes to feel young and irresponsible again by going nuts, binge drinking, and acting like an ass. So my thought is that he enjoys getting together with them to do just that.
My husband has the occasional guys night out or guys weekend where they over imbide - maybe two or three times a year. They typically stick around DC/Northern Virginia but they will get a few hotel rooms to avoid driving and spare their wives of their drunken selves. They typically come home hungover but back to their normal, responsible selves.
Knowing that you don't like these people and don't want to host them, perhaps you could suggest to your partner that he arrange for a visit like above. Or if it's a weekend visit, maybe arrange for a getaway for yourself.
Any thoughts on why he keeps these chuckleheads around?
Because it's not uncommon to sometimes long for your younger, more carefree days.
That said, I would say no hosting the party. Aren't you expecting? If this is just in the "talk" stages now, it could be a while before it comes to fruition, and you could be at a very pregnant stage. You're not going to want them all around.
Let them go to a hotel and have a good time, and tell your partner he needs to get it out of his system because life is gonna change soon.
The honest question sounds more like this.
Why am I so insecure about this, why don't I just lay down the law.
My wife wouldn't put up with it for one second. None of it.
I am not insecure about it and have been vocal. But then I get the "I have known these people since childhood and you shouldn't ask me to end those relationships. That is controlling." I have said I don't want them in my house and so far they have not come since I have drawn that line in the sand. But the talk of a visit has started up again. We are moving to a new place that has more room, so I am sure that my SO thinks this means we will be able to host them.
Perhaps, on occasion he likes to feel young and irresponsible again by going nuts, binge drinking, and acting like an ass. So my thought is that he enjoys getting together with them to do just that.
My husband has the occasional guys night out or guys weekend where they over imbide - maybe two or three times a year. They typically stick around DC/Northern Virginia but they will get a few hotel rooms to avoid driving and spare their wives of their drunken selves. They typically come home hungover but back to their normal, responsible selves.
Knowing that you don't like these people and don't want to host them, perhaps you could suggest to your partner that he arrange for a visit like above. Or if it's a weekend visit, maybe arrange for a getaway for yourself.
To be perfectly honest, I can't even trust them that far. The night before my SOs sister's wedding (he was best man) they all got so wasted they wrecked a car and he threw up during the photos from a wicked hangover. This was after I retired to my hotel room and he promised that he would NOT be hungover for his sister's wedding. Its like when he gets around them he turns into a completely different person. Luckily he does not see them but once a year at most, usually less, but even that puts a strain on our relationship.
Because it's not uncommon to sometimes long for your younger, more carefree days.
That said, I would say no hosting the party. Aren't you expecting? If this is just in the "talk" stages now, it could be a while before it comes to fruition, and you could be at a very pregnant stage. You're not going to want them all around.
Let them go to a hotel and have a good time, and tell your partner he needs to get it out of his system because life is gonna change soon.
We had a child we lost to cancer years back. These "friends" were MIA during her illness and funeral. Afterward as we were both devastated, my partner went for a visit of some of his family and the friends were nearby. This occasion kickstarted the drunken irresponsible behavior, and I kind of understood it as part of his grief process, so I didn't begrudge it. But it has since become a pattern.
Yes, there is a new little one on the way. Of course, SO has shared the news with these idiots, even though its super early and I asked him not to. And of course, they bring up the "we better visit before the baby comes and you can't have any more fun!" Because that is how they see things. I will be damned if I am gonna be cleaning up after them in an advanced state of pregnancy.
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