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My advice is not to rail against the friends, but maybe say "you know, would you mind getting a hotel room or doing something while I'm not there. No offense, but you guys are long time friends and I'm kind of a 3rd wheel". If your boyfriend isn't too dense, he should get the hint.
He is most assuredly not on drugs. Let's put this into perspective.
He sees these people once a year for a couple of days. Tops. He acts like an ass when he sees them, yes. The rest of the time he is a great loving partner. He is responsible, dependable and I have no doubt this is the person I am meant to spend my life with. He is not abusive or mean spirited. In the grand scheme of things this is a good person, though a flawed one. As am I.
The friends are not welcome in my house and he knows it. Thus far, he has not pushed to include them, but the writing is on the wall.
I can understand that you had a bad relationship and setting boundaries are healthy. But here is the thing. We had a child together who died. I can't even describe to you the horror that is and would not wish it on my worst enemy. We went through that together. Both of us had pretty intense reactions. We moved. We quit our entire lives. We started living this double income no kids lifestyle and just trying all kinds of things to keep ourselves occupied (none of them drugs or anything self-destructive, but to be honest, we both probably went to a few two many wine bars.) As we started to heal, we made new friends and built a new life. We got professional help for the grief.
Everything in our relationship is happy EXCEPT for this issue. He is a sports person-- I am not. I don't want to generalize but I find that some guys who are REALLY into sports don't seem to be able to talk about anything else. They want to come and eat your food, drink your beer and talk sports. He has attracted a few people like that but they are gone in short order if they aren't generally pleasant to be around or treat me like a maid.
These friends, these "childhood" friends, are different. To me, they are losers. To him they are buddies. They bring out the absolute worst in my partner. He does need to own this, but really, he isn't some deadbeat who snorts coke with them each weekend while I sit home pregnant and crying. He acts like a jerk and I don't like it once a year (or once every two.) I don't think they add any value to this life and they have been disrespectful to me, yes. But he clings to these relationships-- I don't know why. He will admit that they have nothing positive going on. Presumably he is happy as the MUCH more successful person.
If they lived closer, this might blow up as you describe. But right now its an annoyance, not a direct threat.If they are on my "turf" its a direct threat. I won't leave my house to accommodate them. I don't want them around, period. Life is great without them.
I gotta admit it sounds kind of strange to me that you invite people to your house, offer them food, beer and some sports on the TV, then abruptly cut them out of your life for eating your food, drinking your beer and talking sports when they visit. Were the offered food and beer a test of some sort?
It's too bad you're not willing to go somewhere else on the rare occasions these friends stay over, but as you've mentioned a few times already, you do own the house, and your partner doesn't. I wonder if you maneuvered things this way so you could use that fact as leverage anytime a dispute over living conditions comes up. Hard for a place to really be a home when the person you're living with reminds you that they own the place and you don't whenever a tie breaker is needed. If he's really your "partner" it's his home as much as it is yours regardless of who is paying for it.
If you've even gone to therapy to make him see how he shouldn't be friends with these guys, he has a point when he says you're controlling him, which is toxic to any relationship.
Just ask him to have the friends get a hotel room, and you get to enjoy a weekend all to yourself.
you know what, just tell him you dont want guys coming to the home. they can see each other elsewhere. I don't bring any bros to my home for a reason. He should understand it.
bunch of dudes, stomping around my apartment, acting weird, taking a duece in my toilet, hell no. I know I will have to get into it with one of them, if they say something off color to my girl, They should follow the bro code. "dont mess up my thing with my girl, bro!"
Yeah, I do that too! That is really the only fun I have with these three- baiting the snooty one.
I knew there was more to this story.
You can't tear yourself away so you can complain later, right?
I don't even believe the gay guy told YOU about the "pedestrian" comment. Probably your SO told you he made the crack.
And more likely, he probably said it as a joke, which would not be at all surprising coming from an American gay man. Especially if you think YOU'RE going to read him.
You're NOT. He'll win. Every time.
How long have you lived here? And how long have you two been together?
Last edited by runswithscissors; 06-13-2017 at 09:09 AM..
He is most assuredly not on drugs. Let's put this into perspective.
He sees these people once a year for a couple of days. Tops. He acts like an ass when he sees them, yes. The rest of the time he is a great loving partner. He is responsible, dependable and I have no doubt this is the person I am meant to spend my life with. He is not abusive or mean spirited. In the grand scheme of things this is a good person, though a flawed one. As am I.
The friends are not welcome in my house and he knows it. Thus far, he has not pushed to include them, but the writing is on the wall.
I can understand that you had a bad relationship and setting boundaries are healthy. But here is the thing. We had a child together who died. I can't even describe to you the horror that is and would not wish it on my worst enemy. We went through that together. Both of us had pretty intense reactions. We moved. We quit our entire lives. We started living this double income no kids lifestyle and just trying all kinds of things to keep ourselves occupied (none of them drugs or anything self-destructive, but to be honest, we both probably went to a few two many wine bars.) As we started to heal, we made new friends and built a new life. We got professional help for the grief.
Everything in our relationship is happy EXCEPT for this issue. He is a sports person-- I am not. I don't want to generalize but I find that some guys who are REALLY into sports don't seem to be able to talk about anything else. They want to come and eat your food, drink your beer and talk sports. He has attracted a few people like that but they are gone in short order if they aren't generally pleasant to be around or treat me like a maid.
These friends, these "childhood" friends, are different. To me, they are losers. To him they are buddies. They bring out the absolute worst in my partner. He does need to own this, but really, he isn't some deadbeat who snorts coke with them each weekend while I sit home pregnant and crying. He acts like a jerk and I don't like it once a year (or once every two.) I don't think they add any value to this life and they have been disrespectful to me, yes. But he clings to these relationships-- I don't know why. He will admit that they have nothing positive going on. Presumably he is happy as the MUCH more successful person.
If they lived closer, this might blow up as you describe. But right now its an annoyance, not a direct threat.If they are on my "turf" its a direct threat. I won't leave my house to accommodate them. I don't want them around, period. Life is great without them.
Let's put this in the perspective of a MOTHER Of a man. Me.
So he's not even TALKING ABOUT bringing them to "your house" but you're lying in wait ready to pounce. What prompted you to create this thread this very day?
This thread belongs in ROMANTIC relationships. You have no relationship with his friends.
You don't want them around and life is great but you love "baiting" the gay one.
I'm not buying it.
And as a mother of an American man who still has his childhood friends (no scare quotes required) for 30 years, I'm thrilled about it. And yes, I know them 100%.
Doesn't sound like you have anything in common especially COMMUNICATION.
If he's not a binge drinker or alcoholic, then there's more to this story. I see you made a little comment about "wine bars". hmmmmm,
So why did you decide to have another baby? So you'd have a lifetime bond regardless of what happens with your relationship AND have your child grow up with him and HIS FRIENDS?
And his icky sports?
You don't think you can prevent him from co-parenting in the future if you break up, do you? Even now. WHAT exactly is your plan when the father wants to get his child involved in sports? Which is an All American Tradition. More "counseling"?
With all this name calling and chick-i-fi-cation of the man, I can just imagine what you'd say when you hate him and actually have REAL complaints. Not a hypothetical thing that may or may not happen in the future and you're mad because he won't let you make him dump friends he's known longer than YOU.
Good for him. Cuz they'll be there when YOU leave.
You know who HE is. He knows who HE is. Do you know who YOU are?
As they say: The calls are coming from inside the house. I suggest more therapy for YOU. QUICKLY.
This isn't hard at all. IF you had the communication skills, you could have already expressed these things to them in a NICE WAY and joking around and they'd all know when they have a REUNION (which is what it is)...it has to be in a hotel. Because you don't do Animal House.
But I can JUST IMAGINE the attitude they get.
For next time:
You marry someone you marry their family and friends. And not getting formally married doesn't get you off the hook for your responsibility and accountability.
Signed,
Be Glad I'm Not Your MIL
Last edited by runswithscissors; 06-13-2017 at 09:16 AM..
You can't tear yourself away so you can complain later, right?
I don't even believe the gay guy told YOU about the "pedestrian" comment. Probably your SO told you he made the crack.
And more likely, he probably said it as a joke, which would not be at all surprising coming from an American gay man. Especially if you think YOU'RE going to read him.
You're NOT. He'll win. Every time.
How long have you lived here? And how long have you two been together?
Huh? This boggles me. I wonder why this would be hard to believe?
He said it to my face. I handed him the bottle of wine and he looked at it and said "that is a pedestrian choice." And later refused to serve it.
I have so many other examples of his snooty behavior, but its not worth getting into. At a wedding, he kept commenting on the bride's weight and her choice of flowers of all things. So THAT is when I started asking him all kinds of questions about his thoughts on how people should think and act to achieve his idea of perfection. He is rude. Period. My SO admits he is rude. He has told him he was being rude on occasion. This normally results in pouting.
If you've even gone to therapy to make him see how he shouldn't be friends with these guys, he has a point when he says you're controlling him, which is toxic to any relationship.
Just ask him to have the friends get a hotel room, and you get to enjoy a weekend all to yourself.
He asked to go to therapy. I didn't "make" him. We have actually been in a lot of therapy. We did have a child we lost to cancer. You don't come out of that without some help. I don't see how that is controlling.
Let's put this in the perspective of a MOTHER Of a man. Me.
So he's not even TALKING ABOUT bringing them to "your house" but you're lying in wait ready to pounce. What prompted you to create this thread this very day?
This thread belongs in ROMANTIC relationships. You have no relationship with his friends.
You don't want them around and life is great but you love "baiting" the gay one.
I'm not buying it.
And as a mother of an American man who still has his childhood friends (no scare quotes required) for 30 years, I'm thrilled about it. And yes, I know them 100%.
Doesn't sound like you have anything in common especially COMMUNICATION.
If he's not a binge drinker or alcoholic, then there's more to this story. I see you made a little comment about "wine bars". hmmmmm,
So why did you decide to have another baby? So you'd have a lifetime bond regardless of what happens with your relationship AND have your child grow up with him and HIS FRIENDS?
And his icky sports?
You don't think you can prevent him from co-parenting in the future if you break up, do you? Even now. WHAT exactly is your plan when the father wants to get his child involved in sports? Which is an All American Tradition. More "counseling"?
With all this name calling and chick-i-fi-cation of the man, I can just imagine what you'd say when you hate him and actually have REAL complaints. Not a hypothetical thing that may or may not happen in the future and you're mad because he won't let you make him dump friends he's known longer than YOU.
Good for him. Cuz they'll be there when YOU leave.
You know who HE is. He knows who HE is. Do you know who YOU are?
As they say: The calls are coming from inside the house. I suggest more therapy for YOU. QUICKLY.
This isn't hard at all. IF you had the communication skills, you could have already expressed these things to them in a NICE WAY and joking around and they'd all know when they have a REUNION (which is what it is)...it has to be in a hotel. Because you don't do Animal House.
But I can JUST IMAGINE the attitude they get.
For next time:
You marry someone you marry their family and friends. And not getting formally married doesn't get you off the hook for your responsibility and accountability.
Signed,
Be Glad I'm Not Your MIL
I am not going anywhere. I hate to break it to you. We had and lost a child and have been together over a decade. That bond is not breaking. And sorry, I won't take the bait on my thoughts on childrearing. Not this topic. I am sure you are an excellent parent who has earned the right to criticize everyone else because you are always perfect and correct in your choices. Good for you.
Likewise, I have had years to get to know these people. Guess what? I have been polite. I did have them in my house. They have been disrespectful. Sorry, I don't make excuses for manchildren. Maybe you do. And I think I did say that when around these people, my SO starts binge drinking. He has been in car accidents and the ER for alcohol poisoning after a night with these "lads". I am sorry you missed my repeated references to his binge drinking with these idiots.
What is so ironic is that my MIL says that the childhood friends "need to grow up" and that she is "disappointed" as to how they are living and that she wishes the SO had "better influences." You see, they DID ruin her daughter's wedding by puking during photos and wrecking a car they had borrowed FROM HER while she was ASLEEP the night before. So yeah, nothing whatsoever to do with me. Try again.
Sometimes cute little boys grow up to be irresponsible jerks. That is what happened-- simple as that. I am certainly not the only one who sees this. So troll elsewhere.
Any thoughts on why he keeps these chuckleheads around?
I don't bother with wondering why my husband stays friends with some people, and he doesn't mind when I go have a separate vacation of my choice while they are there.
Win-win for everyone involved.
If, however, they are in my house and destroy it (or my definition of it), that gives me perfect ammo to say never again.
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