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We had a child we lost to cancer years back. These "friends" were MIA during her illness and funeral. Afterward as we were both devastated, my partner went for a visit of some of his family and the friends were nearby. This occasion kickstarted the drunken irresponsible behavior, and I kind of understood it as part of his grief process, so I didn't begrudge it. But it has since become a pattern.
Yes, there is a new little one on the way. Of course, SO has shared the news with these idiots, even though its super early and I asked him not to. And of course, they bring up the "we better visit before the baby comes and you can't have any more fun!" Because that is how they see things. I will be damned if I am gonna be cleaning up after them in an advanced state of pregnancy.
OP, this is your second thread about your partner's friends. You have another going about a guy who lives locally who comes over drinks your booze and resents that you're having a baby. Didn't even acknowledge your tragic loss properly when told.
So that's four people who are his friends you don't like.
He got so drunk he was sick for his sister's wedding, either drove drunk or got in a car with a drunk driver which was wrecked, now he tells people you told him not to tell you're pregnant, and won't respect your wishes.
So is it really his friends? Because his behavior isn't exactly stellar either.
OP, this is your second thread about your partner's friends. You have another going about a guy who lives locally who comes over drinks your booze and resents that you're having a baby. Didn't even acknowledge your tragic loss properly when told.
So that's four people who are his friends you don't like.
He got so drunk he was sick for his sister's wedding, either drove drunk or got in a car with a drunk driver which was wrecked, now he tells people you told him not to tell you're pregnant, and won't respect your wishes.
So is it really his friends? Because his behavior isn't exactly stellar either.
Exactly.
The first thread about the "friend" is sort of a mutual acquaintance, but more of a sports interest guy he hangs out with more. Partner has had no trouble "ghosting" him and has been "busy" since I posted last. He agrees that that guy's behavior was crappy and his response has been to freeze him out, which is appropriate. And that is the general pattern he has with everyone we know EXCEPT for these "childhood pals."
The terrible trio definitely bring out behavior in him that normally lies dormant. I know its there--we have been together long enough that I have no illusions. He likes to drink and has it under control UNLESS he is with these guys. Truth be told, I am no teetotaler except by necessity (such as pregnancy.) We do enjoy entertaining but these guys do not comport themselves as adults.
I AM annoyed that he told his friends about the pregnancy after I expressly asked him not to. I honestly think it was meant to indicate that his time on the party bus was running short, so maybe they had better make plans. Anyone else (with the exception of the freeloader we have jettisoned) would have said "congrats!" but the terrible trio took it as an invite to get their frat boy antics into high gear. And I think that is what he was expecting. He drank 2 beers (not cans, pints) during the conference call to announce this in an hour-its like he can't even have voice contact with them without pounding beer. I do not get it. He is NOT like this with anyone else.
Do you see marriage in the future? If you both do, you need to remind your SO, that you 2 are a team, building a future for each other. His visitors, and anyone else , need to show respect, when they visit.
What would your SO do, if you got into an argument/fight with one of his pals? Would he stand by your side?
This 10 years courtship should mean more to him and you. Everyone outside of your relationship is secondary, and you both should nip it in the bud the moment it starts.
I have had to shut people up on the spot, no matter how uncomfortable it is. Just stare at your husband, with a mean face, when this happens again. Until he acts on it, ignore everyone, and just stare at him until he acts on it.
Visitors in your home, including your sacred parents, should abide by the rules at all times. Should be nice at all times. Should be respectful at all times. Should not be a wedge between a couple.
Remind your SO who he sleeps in bed with every night, and who he has to live with after his friends leave.
As simple conversation your SO can have with his friends, can start of as "are you f en crazy? " and " treat my girl with respect, or don't come around anymore. "
Would your SO let his friends talk like that to his mom? I dont think so.
Do you see marriage in the future? If you both do, you need to remind your SO, that you 2 are a team, building a future for each other. His visitors, and anyone else , need to show respect, when they visit.
What would your SO do, if you got into an argument/fight with one of his pals? Would he stand by your side?
This 10 years courtship should mean more to him and you. Everyone outside of your relationship is secondary, and you both should nip it in the bud the moment it starts.
I have had to shut people up on the spot, no matter how uncomfortable it is. Just stare at your husband, with a mean face, when this happens again. Until he acts on it, ignore everyone, and just stare at him until he acts on it.
Visitors in your home, including your sacred parents, should abide by the rules at all times. Should be nice at all times. Should be respectful at all times. Should not be a wedge between a couple.
Remind your SO who he sleeps in bed with every night, and who he has to live with after his friends leave.
As simple conversation your SO can have with his friends, can start of as "are you f en crazy? " and " treat my girl with respect, or don't come around anymore. "
Would your SO let his friends talk like that to his mom? I dont think so.
We really don't have any desire to marry. I should say that I don't. He does. I don't honestly believe in marriage. We are considered common law anyway in our state.
However, one of the obstacles to my agreeing to marry is that I KNOW he will want these fools at the wedding. Judging from their behavior at his sister's wedding, I absolutely do not want them anywhere within a 300 mile radius. But of course, being his "childhood friends" he will need them there. We have not yet fought that battle.
My husband has a relative who treated me similarly. When the 3rd visit happened, I put up with it for one afternoon-evening and then told myself "no more". For the next 2 days I just did my own thing. No food shopping or cooking for them, no putting out clean towels, nothing. I just calmly came and went, slept and ate, on my own and pleasantly ignored him. On the morning he was to leave I just stayed in bed until he was gone. He's never been back.
The honest question sounds more like this.
Why am I so insecure about this, why don't I just lay down the law.
My wife wouldn't put up with it for one second. None of it.
Interesting. I have a friend I've known for 50 years. She has been a hard core drug attack since she was 18. She is insufferable, manipulative, an emotional drain on those around her. Although I do not invite her to our home or even see her often, she will always be my friend. I still remember the little girl I knew when I was 9 and all the wonderful memories we had growing up. If my spouse told me that I needed to end that friendship, that would be a problem. Although I understand other folks finding her toxic, we have a history and, in a pinch, I will be there for her until the day she dies. Bottom line, just because you are married to me does not give you the right to choose my friends.
Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 16 hours ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
OP, this is your second thread about your partner's friends. You have another going about a guy who lives locally who comes over drinks your booze and resents that you're having a baby. Didn't even acknowledge your tragic loss properly when told.
So that's four people who are his friends you don't like.
He got so drunk he was sick for his sister's wedding, either drove drunk or got in a car with a drunk driver which was wrecked, now he tells people you told him not to tell you're pregnant, and won't respect your wishes.
So is it really his friends? Because his behavior isn't exactly stellar either.
That. See, now I don't have to write a whole post myself!
Interesting. I have a friend I've known for 50 years. She has been a hard core drug attack since she was 18. She is insufferable, manipulative, an emotional drain on those around her. Although I do not invite her to our home or even see her often, she will always be my friend. I still remember the little girl I knew when I was 9 and all the wonderful memories we had growing up. If my spouse told me that I needed to end that friendship, that would be a problem. Although I understand other folks finding her toxic, we have a history and, in a pinch, I will be there for her until the day she dies. Bottom line, just because you are married to me does not give you the right to choose my friends.
I am sure those are treasured memories, but in the situation you have described, this friend has serious baggage. An addict is not a friend to anyone-- I know this from personal experience. So I wonder why you can't treasure those memories without having to keep in touch with this individual. Just curious.
Interesting. I have a friend I've known for 50 years. She has been a hard core drug attack since she was 18. She is insufferable, manipulative, an emotional drain on those around her. Although I do not invite her to our home or even see her often, she will always be my friend. I still remember the little girl I knew when I was 9 and all the wonderful memories we had growing up. If my spouse told me that I needed to end that friendship, that would be a problem. Although I understand other folks finding her toxic, we have a history and, in a pinch, I will be there for her until the day she dies. Bottom line, just because you are married to me does not give you the right to choose my friends.
So if your friend was a disrespectful little snot to your wife and doesn't bring out the best in you, that's your wife' s problem?
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