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I'm not even sure I understand this statement. Are you suggesting that I mean they're going to tell her to do all the cleaning? Because I don't think that will happen. I just think they're going to make a big mess and won't bother to clean it. And if she desires to live in a clean home, she's going to wind up being the one to clean.
Yeah...I'm sure you're right on that. But say these were friends that she DID approve of, or they were mutual friends...she'd STILL have to clean house anyway.
I'm not in to telling my husband who he can and who he can't have in his home. I control what I will do or not do. Really, it's all any of us truly have.
He's generally very responsible and mature-- good job, dependable, pays his bills, etc. Its honestly only when he is around these three winners that he loses all control. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. Even one on one with them individually he doesn't act out like this. But get the four of them together and all hell breaks loose.
The sister's wedding resulted in some "separate time" when we returned. I went on an extended impromptu trip to figure out what I was going to do. We ended up reconciling. We even had some couples therapy and he concluded that he doesn't have much in common with these guys. He recognized that these friends were not doing our relationship any favors and went a few years without seeing them. All was fine. But as soon as as we have some change or event, he feels compelled to get in touch. Which leads to a visit. Which leads to nonsense. I dread hearing that we have to see a certain part of his family because he will get together with the idiots and act like one. I don't go unless I absolutely have to.
My son's father had a friend that I HATED. It seemed like my ex would do whatever this friend said. Steal my truck and leave the country with another woman type stuff. I hated who my ex was when he was around this friend. It turned out, my ex was exactly like his friend, and was just putting on a good front when he was around me. All the issues I had with the friend, had nothing to do with the friend at all. It was really just the insight of who my ex was that bothered me.
I have asked him-- I actually addressed that in the original post and shared his responses.
I guess your decision has been made and you are going to tolerate the chuckleheads and continue to complain without doing much if anything to change the situation. Good luck with that.
I guess your decision has been made and you are going to tolerate the chuckleheads and continue to complain without doing much if anything to change the situation. Good luck with that.
So I suppose I should put a hit out on them? Kick my partner to the curb? What helpful thing would you suggest?
Thanks for reading what I wrote! It does help you to add value to this conversation. I hope you will continue to do so.
He's generally very responsible and mature-- good job, dependable, pays his bills, etc. Its honestly only when he is around these three winners that he loses all control. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. Even one on one with them individually he doesn't act out like this. But get the four of them together and all hell breaks loose.
The sister's wedding resulted in some "separate time" when we returned. I went on an extended impromptu trip to figure out what I was going to do. We ended up reconciling. We even had some couples therapy and he concluded that he doesn't have much in common with these guys. He recognized that these friends were not doing our relationship any favors and went a few years without seeing them. All was fine. But as soon as as we have some change or event, he feels compelled to get in touch. Which leads to a visit. Which leads to nonsense. I dread hearing that we have to see a certain part of his family because he will get together with the idiots and act like one. I don't go unless I absolutely have to.
Well you both went through something so horrific. I am truly sorry you went throught that and congrats on the baby.
But I would put my foot down on them staying with you. And with the snooty gay one, I always find it amusing to go the opposite direction with people like that....LOL. The more prententious they get, the more lower class you act in front of them. It usually nips it in the bud.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nurider2002
I do still see her. She's been to our home many times over the years however, out of respect not only for my spouse but, for my elderly dad who lives with us and despises her, I do not invite her over. So, if/when I see her, it is usually out for lunch or dinner. I set firm boundaries, no money, no rescuing. Still, we share a common history and there remains a bond. I practically grew up in her house. Her brother and I were best friends as kids until he died at the age of 19. The dysfunction she was raised in was beyond what most can appreciate. I see glimpses of the person she once was and I will always love her, no matter how sick she is. I get that a lot of folks think that is wrong, co-dependent, whatever. But despite an addiction that has robbed her of her soul, she will always be a friend to me.
Well you're a good loyal friend, so I give you credit for that. It is harder to cut ties with people you know for decades.
I sympathize in that I have a serious relationship and my partner has at least one friend (of the ones I've met so far) that I just can't stand. They have been friends for 20 years. The most important difference is that my partner owns his own actions, his friend used to binge drink and be much more of a party guy, and my partner has done this with him, but not in quite a long while, and not since we've been together. I don't drink at all, my partner is not interested in drinking unless it's a treat of a fancy expensive sipping booze, and he'd be enjoying that not for the sake of getting wasted. "Party bus" frat boy behavior? I have learned since I left an abusive ex husband a couple years back, that my time and companionship have value. I would not be in a relationship, having a baby with such a person. He does not get a free pass just because his friends do it. He can NOT drink and well...be the designated driver!
But see, that is me drawing my line in the sand. You (partner) can do what behaviors you need to do, I cannot control you, but know that some things...I won't deal with. That's one of them.
I do not tell my partner to end his friendship even though I think that his friend abuses it. I have simply said that I won't be friends with this man. This infuriated his friend, who demands that I meet him in person, and (basically get lectured) hash this matter out, and he likes to go on about what "real friendship" is about to me...as though I need him in my life, which I most assuredly don't. I have many friends. I have no need to spend time with someone that I find distasteful.
I get to decide that for myself. I don't get to decide for my partner. But if my partner does behaviors that cross lines that I won't deal with, then I can choose to end that relationship. I can't control or change him.
If my partner went out at any time, for any reason, with any company or no company, and got sloppy drunk and made bad choices, then I would not be trying to do a serious family relationship thing with him. If he was very lucky he could be a FWB...if and when he was sober, and I had nothing better to do. I know it's easier to blame his friends, since you don't like them anyways, but really he needs to own his actions.
Oh, and the house is in your name, but he thought it would be used for the extra space to host parties of his friends, which you would then be happy to clean up after?
Is he on the drugs?
Personally, if I were ok to say "well he pays for his share in other ways and I want to stay in a partnership with him and all" then my agreement would be:
He will pay for me to go somewhere nice, with a friend if I want or whatever. A pleasant getaway. The friends could visit for a short time that doesn't interfere with my life, job, etc. I will not play hostess to them. And he will clean up every speck of mess before I walk back in the door. If that's too much to ask of him, tell him he can get his buddies to help, since they helped make the mess.
If that just won't fly, then I fall back to "you are with the wrong dude."
Hopefully schedules will prevent them from actually getting a plan on the books before the baby arrives. But should that not work, I'd totally play the pregnancy card. Say that while he's more than welcome to go spend time with them, he just can't do it at the house. You need your rest, you have morning sickness, you can't be on your feet cleaning, you're exhausted all the time - pick an excuse (or more than one). It's somewhat harder for him to argue against that.
I sympathize in that I have a serious relationship and my partner has at least one friend (of the ones I've met so far) that I just can't stand. They have been friends for 20 years. The most important difference is that my partner owns his own actions, his friend used to binge drink and be much more of a party guy, and my partner has done this with him, but not in quite a long while, and not since we've been together. I don't drink at all, my partner is not interested in drinking unless it's a treat of a fancy expensive sipping booze, and he'd be enjoying that not for the sake of getting wasted. "Party bus" frat boy behavior? I have learned since I left an abusive ex husband a couple years back, that my time and companionship have value. I would not be in a relationship, having a baby with such a person. He does not get a free pass just because his friends do it. He can NOT drink and well...be the designated driver!
But see, that is me drawing my line in the sand. You (partner) can do what behaviors you need to do, I cannot control you, but know that some things...I won't deal with. That's one of them.
I do not tell my partner to end his friendship even though I think that his friend abuses it. I have simply said that I won't be friends with this man. This infuriated his friend, who demands that I meet him in person, and (basically get lectured) hash this matter out, and he likes to go on about what "real friendship" is about to me...as though I need him in my life, which I most assuredly don't. I have many friends. I have no need to spend time with someone that I find distasteful.
I get to decide that for myself. I don't get to decide for my partner. But if my partner does behaviors that cross lines that I won't deal with, then I can choose to end that relationship. I can't control or change him.
If my partner went out at any time, for any reason, with any company or no company, and got sloppy drunk and made bad choices, then I would not be trying to do a serious family relationship thing with him. If he was very lucky he could be a FWB...if and when he was sober, and I had nothing better to do. I know it's easier to blame his friends, since you don't like them anyways, but really he needs to own his actions.
Oh, and the house is in your name, but he thought it would be used for the extra space to host parties of his friends, which you would then be happy to clean up after?
Is he on the drugs?
Personally, if I were ok to say "well he pays for his share in other ways and I want to stay in a partnership with him and all" then my agreement would be:
He will pay for me to go somewhere nice, with a friend if I want or whatever. A pleasant getaway. The friends could visit for a short time that doesn't interfere with my life, job, etc. I will not play hostess to them. And he will clean up every speck of mess before I walk back in the door. If that's too much to ask of him, tell him he can get his buddies to help, since they helped make the mess.
If that just won't fly, then I fall back to "you are with the wrong dude."
Whoa, slow down.
He is most assuredly not on drugs. Let's put this into perspective.
He sees these people once a year for a couple of days. Tops. He acts like an ass when he sees them, yes. The rest of the time he is a great loving partner. He is responsible, dependable and I have no doubt this is the person I am meant to spend my life with. He is not abusive or mean spirited. In the grand scheme of things this is a good person, though a flawed one. As am I.
The friends are not welcome in my house and he knows it. Thus far, he has not pushed to include them, but the writing is on the wall.
I can understand that you had a bad relationship and setting boundaries are healthy. But here is the thing. We had a child together who died. I can't even describe to you the horror that is and would not wish it on my worst enemy. We went through that together. Both of us had pretty intense reactions. We moved. We quit our entire lives. We started living this double income no kids lifestyle and just trying all kinds of things to keep ourselves occupied (none of them drugs or anything self-destructive, but to be honest, we both probably went to a few two many wine bars.) As we started to heal, we made new friends and built a new life. We got professional help for the grief.
Everything in our relationship is happy EXCEPT for this issue. He is a sports person-- I am not. I don't want to generalize but I find that some guys who are REALLY into sports don't seem to be able to talk about anything else. They want to come and eat your food, drink your beer and talk sports. He has attracted a few people like that but they are gone in short order if they aren't generally pleasant to be around or treat me like a maid.
These friends, these "childhood" friends, are different. To me, they are losers. To him they are buddies. They bring out the absolute worst in my partner. He does need to own this, but really, he isn't some deadbeat who snorts coke with them each weekend while I sit home pregnant and crying. He acts like a jerk and I don't like it once a year (or once every two.) I don't think they add any value to this life and they have been disrespectful to me, yes. But he clings to these relationships-- I don't know why. He will admit that they have nothing positive going on. Presumably he is happy as the MUCH more successful person.
If they lived closer, this might blow up as you describe. But right now its an annoyance, not a direct threat.If they are on my "turf" its a direct threat. I won't leave my house to accommodate them. I don't want them around, period. Life is great without them.
Well you both went through something so horrific. I am truly sorry you went throught that and congrats on the baby.
But I would put my foot down on them staying with you. And with the snooty gay one, I always find it amusing to go the opposite direction with people like that....LOL. The more prententious they get, the more lower class you act in front of them. It usually nips it in the bud.
.
Yeah, I do that too! That is really the only fun I have with these three- baiting the snooty one.
Either refuse to host, and let him meet up with them somewhere else, or leave for the weekend that they're coming.
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