Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I see it differently. I believe it would be very shameful to have a grandchild that isn't properly taken care of, and is receiving welfare services if you can afford to help, and if you know about it, and choose to do nothing at all. I have friends who have loser adult kids and they have been placed in a position to have to take care of the grandkids because the adult kids are unwilling/unable to manage things, and they do it.
Because it would be unthinkable to turn your back on your innocent grandchild. And in this process, many cut ties with their adult sons/daughters. Because these kids are innocent, and precious, and deserve more than extended family members saying hey, not my prob. Not my rodeo, not my clowns.
NO, they do not *have* to take care of the grandchildren they *choose* to take care of the grandchildren.
Their actions as well as yours and anyone else who continues to *help* is not helping one bit.
It only enables the irresponsible loser to continue to be the irresponsible loser.
I am sure you will never see nor understand what me and many others know for a real life fact which is
your choice but I refuse to continue to argue with one who is blinded by emotions and voluntarily engages in blackmail.
bylpph
We have a family member who has always been pretty poor and had a baby with a drug addict. We never give her money for the kid, like at his birthday or Christmas, but instead give her specific items for the baby with the tags cut off so she can't return them for the money (she wouldn't need to return anything, we make sure what we get will fit and she needs all she can get for him, unfortunately). We obviously don't give her money, intended to be for the baby, because she can use it on anything else and it could never reach the baby. We just don't know, so we don't risk it.
If the family buys the baby specific items (formula, a winter coat, some diapers, etc) but doesn't help in any other way, and also doesn't help excessively, I think that would be fine. But I would not recommend handing over cash or checks or buying the baby too much too often. What's considered too much too often can depend on an individual's own definitions but I personally know my definition of too much when I see it. If it feels like it's too much, like the family is supporting the loser mom and the baby too much, then it probably is too much and it's time to seriously dial it back unless you want the loser mom getting too comfortable.
I wouldn't completely cut off the baby but I also definitely wouldn't overdo it. Ultimately the grandkid/nephew is NOT the extended family's responsibility. Helping out occasionally and buying gifts on birthdays and holidays is of course normal and one thing, but getting over-involved and essentially supporting the baby/son/baby's mom is just too much.
The question is: What does he do NOW?.............................................. ........................
Both of these are going to require the OP's brother to man up and be a man, not a mouse. He's been pretty wimpy up to this point, so I don't have much hope that he's going to change -- because, let's fact it, his family is enabling him being able to drift along in this relationship because they are all terrified of some two-bit trailer trash baby factory. Good lord.
HE didn't ask for advice. HE needs to man up. But He is an adult (in years, anyway) and will do what he wants. Most likely that means being wimpy and joining his family in allowing the gf to terrify everyone.
A million people on ten million internet forums can't make him grow up.
It sounds like although this woman is an adult, she has the emotional maturity of 13 or 14 year old girl. I have known adults like this. They still act like a teenager and it's all about them. This woman sounds very self-absorbed.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
...
My mom wants to sit both of them down and tell her that he can't do it alone and she needs to contribute something, but she's not sure what to say or how to say it without upsetting her. Any help?
Edit: Just to clarify, they do live together.
It would probably be best if you and your mother stayed out of the unfolding drama and let them work it out on their own. Too many cooks in the kitchen, and all that.
Yes, help him find a lawyer to talk to. He needs a plan for shared custody and support. This isn't 1950 and the courts do not allow women to just take a baby and disappear or refuse to allow the father to see the baby. Most people have joint custody now and, depending on their ability to work/earn, may just share child support with no parent receiving money from the other. Forget about going after full custody like others have suggested. That will never happen unless you can prove the mother is an unfit parent which is VERY difficult. Being a lazy gold digger does not make you an unfit parent in the eyes of the law.
Yes, help him find a lawyer to talk to. He needs a plan for shared custody and support. This isn't 1950 and the courts do not allow women to just take a baby and disappear or refuse to allow the father to see the baby. Most people have joint custody now and, depending on their ability to work/earn, may just share child support with no parent receiving money from the other. Forget about going after full custody like others have suggested. That will never happen unless you can prove the mother is an unfit parent which is VERY difficult. Being a lazy gold digger does not make you an unfit parent in the eyes of the law.
The mother has another child that lives full time with her parents. So, it is possible that the mother may have already lost custody of one child, or at least can't be bothered with raising her own child. IMHO, that does not show that she will be a good mother to her latest child.
Yes, help him find a lawyer to talk to. He needs a plan for shared custody and support. This isn't 1950 and the courts do not allow women to just take a baby and disappear or refuse to allow the father to see the baby. Most people have joint custody now and, depending on their ability to work/earn, may just share child support with no parent receiving money from the other. Forget about going after full custody like others have suggested. That will never happen unless you can prove the mother is an unfit parent which is VERY difficult. Being a lazy gold digger does not make you an unfit parent in the eyes of the law.
Lawyers cost money. and where is she going to go? Unless she finds a new guy and makes him Baby Daddy #3 she isn't going anywhere.
The brother picked her, she already had a history and a child with another guy, and he picks her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal
Your brother made a terrible decision and now he's stuck with this woman. Stay out of it. It's none of your business.
That's seems to be lost on the OP, that her brother played a major role in this. And he is stuck having contact until the child is 18, they won't be a couple all those years from now, but they will have contact.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
