Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I hope you sooner rather than later, google the term malignant narcissist. I have a mother that fits the term to a T and no contact has been the only way to preserve my sanity.
To be honest with you, you should not be associating with anyone who thinks it's okay to tell you to kill yourself. That's never an okay thing to say. Forget whatever "social norm" you're trying to live up to and do what's best for you.
Do you have close friends or a significant other that you are comfortable opening up to in the same way?
What Skyl3r said!
Quote:
Originally Posted by EastBoundandDownChick
...She told me if I felt that down, I should just kill myself and get it over with....
Mom is mentally ill. She doesn't need a goodbye, she needs professional help.
That said, due to the damage inflicted upon you, allow someone else to arrange it for her.
You are a unique and wonderful person. Mom dragged you down for too long already.
YES, stop associating with her. She's destroying you.
however, I think you should tell her what you think. Do it in a letter. That's one thing I didn't do with my mom, and I regret not telling her just how horrible she was. It wouldn't have made her change, but I would have felt better.
When writing a letter like this, you have to do several drafts. Start by saying the most horrible things you can think of, scream, rant, use foul language, get it all out. Throw out that draft, and do it again, as nasty as you need to be. You'll notice that each draft gets a little shorter and a little clearer about the real issues. When you've got it down to just a few well-phrased sentences, send it off.
She may respond in some nasty way, but that's what you expect of her, and why you're walking away.
My mom has been nothing but negative to me from a young age- telling me I'm fat, nothing special, that I should just accept it. Thing is, I was never fat. And an honors student, have a great job. We reconnected after years and I shared some really personal emotions with her, I was feeling down. She told me if I felt that down, I should just kill myself and get it over with. I know she's my mom... but do I just say goodbye for good at this point? It was so hard to open up. Then on top of it, she told me I would only stick around for money. Which is not me, and horribly insulting.
Yes. In fact, I wouldn't even bother to say goodbye. Just fade out, the end. Do not respond if she ever tries to contact you.
What you learned from this sad experience is that you can never count on her to be sympathetic and understanding or supportive. She isn't capable of it. She has some kind of mental or emotional illness that drives her to be cruel. She is not normal, and never will be, so if you haven't already, drop all expectations that she would ever behave or think like a normal, healthy, happy person. If necessary, you can take time to mourn that loss, the loss of the ideal you had in your head that she might be a supportive, kind, normal mom.
Then move on. Find friends that you can confide in, and get support from, and give support to.
YES, stop associating with her. She's destroying you.
however, I think you should tell her what you think. Do it in a letter. That's one thing I didn't do with my mom, and I regret not telling her just how horrible she was. It wouldn't have made her change, but I would have felt better.
When writing a letter like this, you have to do several drafts. Start by saying the most horrible things you can think of, scream, rant, use foul language, get it all out. Throw out that draft, and do it again, as nasty as you need to be. You'll notice that each draft gets a little shorter and a little clearer about the real issues. When you've got it down to just a few well-phrased sentences, send it off.
She may respond in some nasty way, but that's what you expect of her, and why you're walking away.
I wouldn't do this. The drafts, where the OP fully expresses her pain and rage, yes, to help get it out of her system. But I wouldn't recommend putting anything in writing and sending it to the mom. You never know what she might do with it. She could use it against her daughter in some way.
Remember--she's mentally ill, and therefore, unpredictable. I wouldn't put any documents in her hands at all. She could take that and make herself out to be a victim of her daughter's emotional abuse, and there would be the proof, in writing. Narcissists and other mentally ill people can be extremely manipulative, heartlessly so. They can be very good at making themselves out to be the victim, and everyone else--the bad guys, and girls.
My mom has been nothing but negative to me from a young age- telling me I'm fat, nothing special, that I should just accept it. Thing is, I was never fat. And an honors student, have a great job. We reconnected after years and I shared some really personal emotions with her, I was feeling down. She told me if I felt that down, I should just kill myself and get it over with. I know she's my mom... but do I just say goodbye for good at this point? It was so hard to open up. Then on top of it, she told me I would only stick around for money. Which is not me, and horribly insulting.
You are the only one who can make this decision for yourself.
Choose happiness or heartache then proceed from that decision.
Well, yes. But if you are have no trouble with this, get some counseling to know how to think about this. I don't think your mom is a good person for you to be around.
I understand your point, but sometimes you actually have to communicate and be heard. I did the throw-away drafts many times, but never told her how absolutely rotten she was. She wouldn't have listened if I said it in person or by phone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I wouldn't do this. The drafts, where the OP fully expresses her pain and rage, yes, to help get it out of her system. But I wouldn't recommend putting anything in writing and sending it to the mom. You never know what she might do with it. She could use it against her daughter in some way.
Remember--she's mentally ill, and therefore, unpredictable. I wouldn't put any documents in her hands at all. She could take that and make herself out to be a victim of her daughter's emotional abuse, and there would be the proof, in writing. Narcissists and other mentally ill people can be extremely manipulative, heartlessly so. They can be very good at making themselves out to be the victim, and everyone else--the bad guys, and girls.
OMG, your mother told you to KILL YOURSELF. You get to sever contact however you see fit.
Honestly, I've cut ties with my mother, who is not even as toxic as yours. There was no confrontation. I just stopped reaching out to her. She, in turn, has not reached out to me in almost 6 months. I feel GOOD.
I wrote her a letter and never sent it, basically pointing out all the things she had done to drag me down over the years. As I fleshed it out, I understood exactly what had been going on all my life, and things became very crystal clear. I even stated at the end of the letter "Once all this rage burns off, I'm going to be largely indifferent to you."
And that's exactly what happened. I gave myself the space to be angry and mourn what I had kind of missed out on. My roommate has seriously supportive parents - they're even a little smothering (but for good reason as she has had some serious lifelong health problems). They visited recently, and I was struck by how supportive and loving they were in contrast to my own mother. I've watched other friends with their parents and have seen similar interactions. And that kind of put the cap on my mourning and rage, for some reason. It was kind of like the universe letting me know "This was never even a possibility for you with the cards you were dealt."
I'm ok with it now. Kind of even grateful for how simple it is. A friend of mine was talking about her abusive mother and how she can't disentangle herself last night, and it was largely because her mother had lived a very hard life and made serious sacrifices to keep her family fed and safe. I totally understand that, and I can't even say that about my mother - there are no complicating factors, no great sacrifices or struggles. She took the easy way out every time, and every time in my life when I DIDN'T take the easy way out, she seemed mystified by my choice.
At the very least, OP, give yourself some time away from your mother. You don't have to tell her or explain to anyone. I simply stopped calling. I haven't even ceased communication - I just respond politely (and indifferently) to her cards and texts and do not pursue the communication further. I give her no foothold in my life. When family asks how she is, I simply say "When we last spoke, she was doing fine." Which is the truth.
It feels like I've built myself a little safehouse and she can't do anything toxic to me anymore. I'm dealing with the most difficult situation in my life right now in taking care of my father as he declines due to dementia, and I can't have her and her dramatics in my life right now. Protect yourself from your mother - build your safehouse.
I needed support to cut contact with my mom and I got that support through therapy and my husband. I wrote a short email and then blocked lines of communication.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Mom is Mentally Ill
What Skyl3r said! 
