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I used to be friends with this guy (lets call him John). We were really close, knew each other for several years and talked almost every day. After he started hanging out with a guy who is a scumbag...known for stealing, cheating, scamming, stalking, etc, John started distancing himself from me. I couldnt figure out why...he insisted nothing was wrong and gave vauge reasons like needing his own space, wanting to spend time with other friends, etc. I only found out later that he was hanging out with the scumbag.
Said scumbag has been stalking me for years and somehow worms his way into my friend circle. He gets introduced to my friends as a friend of a friend, acts super nice, helps them out, and next thing i know, suddenly my friends wont talk to me anymore. There is never any reason given...they just cut off all contact out of the blue after distancing themselves from me. They usually turn into completely different people, like how you read about people change after joining a cult.
It starts small...they want to hang out less and less, then they claim they never got my messages when I know they did. They make up lies like "I was out of town that day" when I knew they were with friends in town. Moderator cut: delete They get extremely selfish and start demanding tons of favors while refusing to help me with the simplest things. Sometimes they turn outright hostile and make sarcastic remarks like "aw, isn't it loney to lose all your friends?". Whenever I try to figure out what the problem is, they either refuse to respond or say random stuff like "My pool is on fire".
Warning my friends of this doesnt help...either they refuse to believe me because "he's such a nice guy!" or they refuse to listen to me because "i don't want to get involved in drama".
I tried to talk to John about our friendship, but everytime he just insisted nothing was wrong. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt of course, but he just made it too obvious that he was avoiding me...if i invited him to watch a movie, he would refuse with some vauge reason, then i would find out later he watched it with the scumbag instead. Things like that.
One day he finally admitted that he had been having dreams of cutting me up for years and started screaming hysterically about all kinds of crazy stuff. He demanded to know why he wasnt told that i had said hi to a mutual friend the other day, then refused to explain why he should be informed of a greeting. He then demanded I stay away from everyone he cared about, but would not say why or what the problem was. Nothing he said made sense. When our mutual friend tried to talk to him about it, she was ignored.
Since he's gone crazy, John has now been telling everyone he knows to cut off all contact with me. Some of my friends who were approached by him tried to ask why, but he refused to tell them. Some of my friends have actually listened to him and cut off all contact with me, with no explanation whatsoever. The only reason that our mutual friends have been able to get is that "John told me to do it so I did" which makes no sense whatsoever. Who is he, some cult leader?
When John found out that I was trying to get in touch with the people he told to stay away from me, he contacted me, claimed to be speaking on their behalf (although he could not provide any evidence of this of course) and demanded that I cease all attempts to contact "his friends" or he would make sure that I was unwelcome by everyone.
I just found out the other day that two of my closest friends who had been acting weirdly had actually been lying to me for months about going overseas, when in reality they had blocked my phone number and cut off all contact with me. Moderator cut: deleteI didnt realise there was a problem till the lies kept mounting and things got too obvious. They would not respond to any attempts at communication or provide any explanation, and the last time we spoke, they had actually assured me that we would be friends forever, which was a big fat lie. Sounds familiar? The modus operandi is pretty obvious at this point.
I just dont know how to deal with this. The scumbag is turning my friends into monsters. I dont know how they are brainwashing my friends into acting this way. Can you imagine it...a friend who used to smile and say hi to you every day enthusiastically suddenly will not even acknowledge that you exist....simply because he was ordered to cut off all contact with you?
The only hint I have is that when I was talking to a friend, he admitted he had been told by John to cut off all contact with me. I asked if he was going to comply, and he then dropped hints that "Well, I don't know, John hasn't been feeding me lately" but refused to elaborate on what that meant. He's also cut off contact with me.
I've tried asking for advice at plenty of places, talked to counsellors, etc...nobody has been much help. Everyone just says "oh yea just ignore him while he destroys your social life and turns your friends against you, your true friends will stick by your side!". Not very helpful i'm afraid.
Anyone have different advice on what to do if someone sets out to destroy your social life?
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-11-2017 at 05:13 PM..
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If you are under 18 you should tell your parents and school guidance counselor what this person said about killing you.
If you are an adult I would get as far away from this guy and EVERYONE he knows. Move far away.
I had a "friend" who was like this. Lost many friends until one just flat out told me what she was saying and stood up to her telling her she was lying about me. I quit all the contact and organizations she was involved with. I live in a large metro area so it was pretty easy to find new groups and new friends. She has since met her demise within those circles and has to start over again, using her middle and maiden name.
For decades since I have not been able to repair some of the friendships that was destroyed by this "friend".
You have to face the sad possibility that maybe they weren't really good friends of yours to begin with. Really good friends wouldn't turn their back on you.
So don't stew over it. Start thinking of how you're going to make new friends.
Hi, OP,
I think after this situation, you're going to know exactly who of your friends are truly friends. I know that doesn't help much in the way of a solution because no one can get your ex-friend to stop what he's doing, but I think you should tell your side of the story to them. At least make the attempt to explain in your own words what happened, and if they're a good friend, they'll listen and not judge you from what someone else has told them about you. If they don't listen, this is a good way to weed out the people who never truly cared about you.
So you have a stalker who is turning everyone against you. And numerous friends who are easily willing to cut you off. And one person who wants to commit bodily harm.
One of two things going on: either you have managed to accumulate the most bizarrely insane group of friends. Or the problem is actually you. No wait if you have accumulated that many crazy friends that's on you too.
My principle is:
If you blindly trust what a third person says about me and break "friendship" with me without even taking my stance into consideration, then you never deserved to be my friend in the first place.
Of course, I am not emotionally dependent on others and can even be a social recluse if needed.
I think that you need to look at how much time and energy you are putting into trying to find out what your various friends are doing, saying and who they are talking to.
While I understand that you feel that people are turning away from you, you are not helping this by continuing to try to track people down and vet their stories and who they are talking to, etc. I comes across as controlling and somewhat stalker behavior.
If this ex-friend threatened you lie you described, you should call the police.....otherwise avoid all these people.....don't keep volunteering to be victimized by them by seeking them out.
Real friends do not behave this way....Spend your time finding other people to hang out with.
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