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Hi, so I made this account because one of my relatives recommended this website and said it's helpful so I thought I'd give it a shot because I've ran out of options.
My dad passed away due to an unexpected heart attack about a year and a half ago and my mom was never in the picture because she left us when I was about 2 years old, so as soon as my dad died they shipped me off here to live with my dad's sister, her husband and my cousins and it has been absolutely horrible. They're so insensitive and every time I tell them I'm upset or hurting they dismiss it and accuse me of "wanting attention". I can't even count the amount of times I've asked them if I could see a therapist to help me out but they don't believe in that kind of stuff and think therapy is for "crazy people with serious problems", so the answer is always no. Even the guidance counselor at school said it would be really good for me to see a therapist and they still couldn't care less, they always just dismiss everything and assume it's all some desperate cry for attention. I know it's been almost two years and I know that I can be dramatic but I'm really struggling with life right now and I have no control over anything. Because I always feel sad 24/7, I barely do any schoolwork and as a result
I'm pretty much failing school, I try so hard to do schoolwork but I find myself passively staring at my schoolwork without actually doing any work because it just feels pointless and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail whatever I do anyway. My eating habits are beyond horrible, I can go days without eating anything and then gorge myself for like 3 days, depending on how upset I am, because I have the upset where all I want to do is sleep and never leave my bed, and then I have the upset where I'm extremely stressed out and resentful and as a result, scarf down whatever I find. I feel like nobody in this house loves me and like I'm completely alone, my cousins hate me and always make fun of me and call me weird and stuff just because I'm into poetry and books and music and stuff which is apparently "prehistoric", and my aunt and uncle act like I'm such a burden which makes me feel really bad because they were practically forced into taking me in when my dad died, like they didn't have to do that but they did it anyway and all I do is cause trouble, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to just never open up to them and keep everything in? I just want us all to be a family so I can feel like I belong somewhere but I don't think they want that. And at dinner everything is always so tense because they also have their own issues and drama between them and then added complications with my cousins and ugh everything feels like such a mess and I really miss my dad more than ever. It's so pathetic the tiniest thing will trigger a memory and I'll start crying.
And honestly I'd understand if it was just my uncle because we aren't related and he isn't really under any obligation to care about me, but my aunt is my dad's sister, like I thought she cared about me more than to just act like I'm this huge impediment with issues.
I'm just really struggling with life right now and I feel this constant mix of worry, hopelessness and loneliness and I have literally nobody to give me a hug and tell me that everything's going to be ok. I'm just so exhausted by trying to be stronger than I feel.
Thanks for reading, sorry if this is as whiny as I think it is
Lisa
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a parent is very hard...give yourself time to grieve, that time being as long as you need...no "correct" time for length of mourning.
Find someone you can share your true feelings with and do so...take care of uourself with exercise, good nutrition, etc.
Time really does ease the pain but I know it feels overwhelming right now.
I hope you can find somebody that you can talk to - maybe the guidance counselor at school can recommend someone. Maybe a minister (doesn't have to be your church)
I agree with the above poster about taking care of yourself with good nutrition, exercise, etc. Go for walks and enjoy the fresh air and the sounds of birds, etc.
Hi Lisa, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm wondering if there's any other family member (a grandparent, maybe?) that you might be able to live with instead of where you are. Your living situation sounds really toxic.
You said your school guidance counselor said you could use therapy -- I'd suggest going back to that counselor and asking him or her to help you find a therapist that would help you. Explain to the counselor that the family members you're living with don't support your wishes to see a therapist.
Do you have health insurance? If so, the insurance company might pay for a certain number of sessions with a therapist.
I googled "free psychotherapy" and one of the pages that came up was this: https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/...90p#.chyLP4876 Admittedly, some of the suggestions on that page were for people in different situations from yours, but maybe you can find something useful there.
You can also try googling "free psychotherapy in <insert your city>."
Also, start meditating (there are plenty of free websites to help you do that), and exercising. Try yoga -- there are free websites for that too.
Don't give up! The pain of losing your father will fade a bit as more time passes, but meanwhile keep trying to keep up your schoolwork. I wish you good luck.
I thought she cared about me more than to just act like I'm this huge impediment with issues
I will tell you that it's not uncommon for people to act like this. Some people find other people's emotions inconvenient and hard to deal with and so try to shut you down and make you feel like you're in the wrong. It's not you - it's her own limitation. I think that trying to go to people who are supposed to care about you and your feelings and being rejected is making it harder for you to grieve and recover.
I like the suggestion to talk to your school counselor about finding a therapist. There are also online therapists that you could maybe work with that wouldn't require going someplace or your family even needing to know.
Lisa, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Losing a parent – especially an only parent – can leave you feeling adrift in a huge, tough world.
I lost my father to a sudden heart attack when I was 21 years old. I was away at college and had last seen him three weeks before when he took me back to school. He went to work one morning and was dead before they got him to a hospital.
My siblings were 18, 14 and 11. This was in 1973 and though the advice today is often to go into therapy or at least see a counselor several times, that was pretty unusual at that time. We didn't see anyone. Yes, I had my mother and siblings but we didn't even talk among ourselves a great deal as we weren't really a touchy feely bunch. I'm not saying this is "right" – it was just the way it was.
Unlike you, my mother was in the picture. She had lost her father at the age of four. She was pretty no nonsense and knew we had to just go on. I went back to school as did my siblings. I know now as an adult that she was probably terrified and she did the best she knew how to be strong, hold onto the house and keep our lives – at least on the surface – as "normal" as she could. Moping and wallowing after a short period wasn't part of the prescription. Would counseling have helped me and my siblings? Maybe, but it wasn't an option.
I couldn't talk about my dad for about five years without tearing up. Time was my friend in that regard. I also sought out books in the library (no internet then or hanging around reading in the bookstore) to try to make sense of my feelings and how to proceed. I didn't do particularly well in school for some time.
My suggestion to you is to read. Read everything you can find. There is a ton more information available now than there was to me. If your relatives don't want to hear you talk, try to find someone you can talk to. There may be free grief groups in your area, perhaps through churches or a university. Ask the counselor at school if they can help you find one. It doesn't matter that it's been a year and a half since you lost your dad ... if you can locate a group you can get to, try that for awhile. Others in the group won't have your exact story but that doesn't mean you couldn't gain something from being around other people who are dealing with grief. If you can find a younger group, so much the better. You don't have to stay a long time – staying stuck in grief is not what you want to do.
Also, as has been suggested, do investigate the Grief and Mourning forum here on C-D.
One other thing: Tell yourself that your dad loved you very much and he would not want you to stay sad. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and tell yourself that every day. He would want you to do well in school and do well for yourself. You can do it. You can be happy again – that's no insult to his memory – he would want that for you. You will be happy again, though you will not forget and will have sadness creep in probably as long as you live – but over time, the sadness will get smaller and last for shorter times.
You must keep going forward. He would want that for you. You have to want it for yourself.
Hi Lisa, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm wondering if there's any other family member (a grandparent, maybe?) that you might be able to live with instead of where you are. Your living situation sounds really toxic.
You said your school guidance counselor said you could use therapy -- I'd suggest going back to that counselor and asking him or her to help you find a therapist that would help you. Explain to the counselor that the family members you're living with don't support your wishes to see a therapist.
Do you have health insurance? If so, the insurance company might pay for a certain number of sessions with a therapist.
I googled "free psychotherapy" and one of the pages that came up was this: https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/...90p#.chyLP4876 Admittedly, some of the suggestions on that page were for people in different situations from yours, but maybe you can find something useful there.
You can also try googling "free psychotherapy in <insert your city>."
Also, start meditating (there are plenty of free websites to help you do that), and exercising. Try yoga -- there are free websites for that too.
Don't give up! The pain of losing your father will fade a bit as more time passes, but meanwhile keep trying to keep up your schoolwork. I wish you good luck.
I'd love to live with my grandmother and even asked her if I could but she said it's impossible due to legal issues so I have no other choice but to be stuck with my aunt and her family.
yeah i talk to the guidance counselor at school a lot, every chance i get really, and i've talked to her about my family situation which is why she arranged a meeting and recommended a therapist, but it didn't change anything because my family really doesn't understand, no matter how many conversations take place. they just refuse to, i don't know why.
i'm going to try looking into free therapy but if i were to go i'd have to do it in secret and not tell my aunt and uncle because they definitely wouldn't let me. I'll look into it though, thank you.
as for the last part of your advice, you're very kind and thanks for taking time out of your day to reply to me. It means a lot.
There are online support groups for grief as well as offline. There might be local grief groups you can go to, or call a local crisis hotline ( which are not just for suicide) and they might have referrals for you.
So sorry for your loss, losing a parent is not something one just gets over. A big part of dealing with grief for many is by being able to talk about it,so hopefully you find the right people.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Lisa, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Losing a parent – especially an only parent – can leave you feeling adrift in a huge, tough world.
I lost my father to a sudden heart attack when I was 21 years old. I was away at college and had last seen him three weeks before when he took me back to school. He went to work one morning and was dead before they got him to a hospital.
My siblings were 18, 14 and 11. This was in 1973 and though the advice today is often to go into therapy or at least see a counselor several times, that was pretty unusual at that time. We didn't see anyone. Yes, I had my mother and siblings but we didn't even talk among ourselves a great deal as we weren't really a touchy feely bunch. I'm not saying this is "right" – it was just the way it was.
Unlike you, my mother was in the picture. She had lost her father at the age of four. She was pretty no nonsense and knew we had to just go on. I went back to school as did my siblings. I know now as an adult that she was probably terrified and she did the best she knew how to be strong, hold onto the house and keep our lives – at least on the surface – as "normal" as she could. Moping and wallowing after a short period wasn't part of the prescription. Would counseling have helped me and my siblings? Maybe, but it wasn't an option.
I couldn't talk about my dad for about five years without tearing up. Time was my friend in that regard. I also sought out books in the library (no internet then or hanging around reading in the bookstore) to try to make sense of my feelings and how to proceed. I didn't do particularly well in school for some time.
My suggestion to you is to read. Read everything you can find. There is a ton more information available now than there was to me. If your relatives don't want to hear you talk, try to find someone you can talk to. There may be free grief groups in your area, perhaps through churches or a university. Ask the counselor at school if they can help you find one. It doesn't matter that it's been a year and a half since you lost your dad ... if you can locate a group you can get to, try that for awhile. Others in the group won't have your exact story but that doesn't mean you couldn't gain something from being around other people who are dealing with grief. If you can find a younger group, so much the better. You don't have to stay a long time – staying stuck in grief is not what you want to do.
Also, as has been suggested, do investigate the Grief and Mourning forum here on C-D.
One other thing: Tell yourself that your dad loved you very much and he would not want you to stay sad. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and tell yourself that every day. He would want you to do well in school and do well for yourself. You can do it. You can be happy again – that's no insult to his memory – he would want that for you. You will be happy again, though you will not forget and will have sadness creep in probably as long as you live – but over time, the sadness will get smaller and last for shorter times.
You must keep going forward. He would want that for you. You have to want it for yourself.
I have a virtual hug for you. Good luck, honey.
Hey, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It means a lot more than you know because knowing that other people have gone through something similar makes me feel less alone, if that makes sense? I also tear up whenever I talk about my dad, or even when a memory is triggered. Honestly at this point I just cry a lot in general, I feel like it's really pathetic but I just can't stop.
I love reading so much so I think I'm going to follow your advice and go check out some books in the local library later, I hope they have something that helps me out because I've scoured the school library and they don't have anything that could help me out. Honestly I wish I had a friend to talk to or something but it's been difficult making friends and adjusting to this new environment and I'm pretty sure everyone at school thinks I'm really weird.
Also the last part of your comment honestly made me emotional and I started crying, thank you so much for the kindness and the support, I appreciate this comment so much.
much love
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