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Hi Lisa, I'm so sorry for your loss and all the upheaval, uncertainty and changes that you're having to endure now.
You've gotten some good advice, and I'm going to suggest that you try some self-help methods too because there will be times when you only have yourself to rely on and get yourself through the tough times. There is a book I'll recommend that may help you, it's titled How To Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Harold Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams. It can be downloaded or read online or you can get the actual book to keep with you for times when you need it in a hurry.
Sorry for the hard times you are going through. You can make some demands, and do nothing but keep on pushing the subject.
Ask your aunt for some time alone, just the 2 of you. Lay it clear of what you want to happen. Be mature about it. Be very direct, her husband need not get involved! Better off, write a detailed letter, and ask her to read it in private, in front of you. Tell her , she lost her brother, but you lost your father! Let her know that she is making a huge mistake in your future, by not letting you speak to someone and learn how to handle your new life.
Keep you memories close to you. All the pictures, mementos, keep it safe. You do deserve to get some therapy. Therapy is so you can cope with what your world has become. Aunty, or anyone else in that house is not trained in giving counseling . You do need to see a LSCW or and actual physiologist.
If you are old enough I don't see why you can't choose where you want to live, who you want to live with. If a grandmother is willing to take you in you may be able to, I think, I really don't know.
What state do you live in, does the grandmother live in a different state?. Contact the state or county court and ask questions about it. You may be able to get a court appointed lawyer to petition the court. If you are under 18 your aunt and uncle maybe receiving survivor social security benefits on your behalf, how much are they getting? You really need to ask those questions and maybe find a social worker to help you. Again contact someone with the state or probably county, Just start calling. Start with the main phone number explain why you are calling and what sort of help you are looking for. Keep calling you will find someone who can help and get you in touch with the help you need and resources.
If your father left you and aunt anything in the estate you really should be informed on how much. If your aunt using some for your support? How much per month is she withdrawing? How much is out aside for you that is "untouchable" by your aunt, if any. You really should be privy to this information so you can make future plans, college or other plans. Just because she was granted custody of you doesn't mean she can keep this information from you. Did you know her well before you went to live with her? Family are not always kind and caring, is she taking advantage of you, is she receiving benefits from the state to "care" for you. Maybe you would be better off with your grandmother and aunt is blocking that because of greed.
I am really sorry you are in the position you are in, it is really sad. I can't imagine at such a young age to not have at least one of my parents. Stay strong and fight for your well being, you deserve it.
Last edited by Izzie1213; 02-22-2018 at 05:37 AM..
I just want to tell you that what you are going through and experiencing is NORMAL. I lost my mother a few months ago and I'm much older than you, but it feels the same no matter what your age is... I'm an adult and I have a job and a family of my own, but there are some days where I just can't concentrate or get the motivation to do much of anything. I'm very thankful I have a job where I work from home, otherwise I'd probably have been fired by now. So I get why you aren't doing your school work or studying, sometimes it just seems pointless.
What helps the most for me is talking with my wife and close friends about it. I know you've had to move, but pick up the phone or text/email your friends to vent and let it out. Even if they don't offer much constructive support, just the act of writing down what you're feeling will help you process some of this stuff.
Hang in there, your life and emotional state will get better, I promise.
Others are correct to ask guidance counselor to see HOW you can see a psychologist just for a few sessions...OR join a grief group.
As for your current situation, here's what I know from experience.
You are not in an ideal living situation. You are young. These years will pass before you know it The goal is to get through them and be as prepared as you can be to have a GREAT life on your own, once you leave.
Focus on the future. What do you want to do/be, when you're an adult? Any idea? Visualize yourself living that life. Let your future goals be your focus. Because that time will come before you know it.
Imagine the life you want. The current things are fleeting. They will pass. One day you'll be living on your own, in a cute apartment, with a good job. Don't let your past ruin that for you. Do NOT let other people who say negative things to you get in the way of your future. They are negative because THEY have a problem. It's not YOU.
To work toward your goals, you will probably need: GOOD GRADES (hit the books! Strive toward an A, even if you don't get it); GOOD HEALTH (nutritious food builds strong bones, puts enamel on your teeth, gives you shiny hair, helps your brain function.
Exercise is a must - it helps with bones, musculature, hair and skin, brain function, stress.)
I get depressed like you seem to be now. I understand not eating or sleeping, being unable to get things done. But you must go through the motions, one foot in front of the other, and work toward your goals.
Others don't understand your emotional reactions because to them, your father passing away was a long time ago. You will probably toughen up with age.
Here's a trick I've read, and if often works. Try it and see. Imagine how you would like to be perceived. Happy, confidant, successful, grounded. Then ACT like you are those things, even if you're not. Eventually, you may realize that you are no longer pretending. You are, in fact, confidant, grounded, happy.
Keep your eye on the ball....your future. These years will pass, and you will leave these people behind. Don't let them interfere with your future.
It would also be helpful if you try to toughen up a bit. It's a good skill to have, to muddle through situations without reacting overtly to it all. Life throws everyone some bad curves. You're young & sensitive, so that will be hard. But put yourself in the situation of others: you are sympathetic to someone's situation, but for someone else to be crying and depressed for over a year can be hard to take, day in and day out. So although your feelings are understandable, it might help if you could be a little less outwardly emotional sometimes. Just because you feel it doesn't mean you have to show it all the time. Go outside for a walk, or retreat to place to be alone and read or draw or write, or go to an alone place and exercise.
Try to find something to laugh about or find humorous every day. Laughter is good medicine. My sisters and I were laughing on the day of my mother's funeral. We were crying hard, then we'd laugh loudly about something that tickled us. It may seem inappropriate, but we couldn't help it. We all have a good sense of humor. The Irish have wakes that are more like parties, than funerals. Laughter is a good release.
You need some friends. Do you have any? Join an activity group at school & try to make friends. They will understand your situation (without you talking much about it), and will sympathize. Support from friends helps a lot, I've found. And you can provide support to them for their problems. I think it helps to have one or two people to do things with, where you have a good time, laugh and giggle, and get away from life's problems.)
I am retired now, but lost my Dad when I was four. It is just the sting of life that can propel you on, or leave you stuck. Make the best of yourself in his honor and remember that he would not want you to be in pain.
The older we get, the more we lose so it is something we must learn to roll with.
Is the reason your aunt and uncle refuse to get therapy for you is that they don't want to pay for it?
Who inherited your father's estate?
There are bereavement support groups and they're free.
Quote:
Originally Posted by searchingforsunshine
my aunt inherited a substantial amount of it, and apparently i'm going to inherit the rest when i turn 18, but from what i've understood it really isn't a large amount or anything.
it's not so much that they don't want to pay (even though i'm sure it's a contributing factor), it's more that they really don't believe in therapy and think it's useless and only for people with serious mental issues (they're really rude when they talk about it i'm trying to be as euphemistic as possible so as to not offend anyone on here)
I am so very sorry for your loss, your posts made my eyes water. I lost both my parents recently but I am lot older than you.
You're too young for all this.
is there a parent of a friend you could talk to, a favorite teacher you could confide in?
Could you discuss attending a bereavement support gr.oup with your aunt and uncle? Many churches run them(you don't have to be that religion or go to church), it's just people who have suffered a loss and they usually run 6 to 8 weeks, would they be open to that.
Perhaps they would be more open to that, and especially if it's held at a church(so that removes maybe in their minds the stigma of mentally ill).
They sound like cruel people, I am so sorry that you're going through this.
I am retired now, but lost my Dad when I was four. It is just the sting of life that can propel you on, or leave you stuck. Make the best of yourself in his honor and remember that he would not want you to be in pain.
The older we get, the more we lose so it is something we must learn to roll with.
True, about getting older. But that doesn't help this situation.
This girl is still in high school, it's tough enough when you're an adult and you're well into middle age when it happens than when you're a teenager.
I can't even wrap my head around that one.
Losing a parent at age four is awful as well, but you have little to no memory of the parent, losing a parent as a minor child who is old enough to not only remember the parent, but actually totally get the full brunt of the loss, and than has to go live with less than understanding relatives is a lot to have to process.
You also still had your mother, this girl had one parent who is now gone.
I don't think at age 17 one understands the concept of rolling with the punches. And certainly not in this situation.
You are a very good writer! I was not surprised to see that you love to read - that is a precious quality and gift that will last you a lifetime. Make use of both gifts - reading and writing - now.
If you don't keep a journal, this would be a good time to start. Write anything you want in it - not just an account of your days, but poetry, memories of good times with your father, stories, vent - just keep it in a safe, private place.
If your relatives twit you about your sensitivity, love of reading, or whatever, consider the source. They are not you, you are not them, they have not suffered the loss you have. But do learn to just say, "Yep, that's me", when they point out how you are not like them. Don't let 'em under your skin.
If you have a favorite teacher, see if you can talk to him or her about what you're experiencing. I am glad your school counselor is helping, but additional adult support and compassion would be indicated now as well. When you visit the public library, tell any friendly librarian something of your situation - they can guide you to helpful books and perhaps more. While you're there, pick up some escapist reading as well - whatever genre you like. Books (especially fiction) are great resources for brief respite from all kinds of difficult situations. Biographies of people who have transcended early difficulties can also be encouraging and good reading.
Your local Hospice may have a "grief group" or a telephone hotline for those experiencing loss. Give them a call and see what they can offer.
Even if you cannot live with your grandmother, could you visit her during spring break or summer vacation? Also, do learn as much as you can about the decision to place you with your aunt and uncle. The judge may have just noted that they had kids near your age and were willing to take you in. How close was your father to his sister? They sound as if their personalities were/are completely different.
How long until you graduate and can go to college? Are your aunt and uncle supportive of your attending college? If not, tell your counselor right away and start making plans to get there on your own. Step up your academic performance - I expect your aptitude test scores are already great. Check out scholarships and loans. Consider finding a part-time job. Join school clubs or volunteer in the office or library to bulk up your application. Visit any local colleges you might consider. See what you need to do to attend them. Focus as much as you can on your future - this is what I expect your father would want for you, to be as content and fulfilled as possible.
Blessings and best wishes to you. Keep us posted here at C-D - there are lots of understanding and compassionate folks here who care!
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