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she was *very* enthusiastic about being my friend in a very short time. it felt excessive & awkward. then one day she tried to claim she 'knew' me within a narrow category that didn't reflect my actual personal experience, & actually screeched that i had 'hurt' her merely for patiently explaining that i was an individual & and wanted to be known in more depth. i got the impression i was 'not allowed' not speak for myself & i was her friend by agreeing to stay silent & accept whatever she wanted me to be in some fantasy projection.
I can relate to the story about feeling edged out of a group of friends and not getting a satisfactory answer when you try to be an adult and ask if you've done anything to upset them. However, age and experience have taught me that you are probably better off without "friends" like these, so don't take it to heart too much. A lot of times, the explanation will be that someone was listening to gossip or got bent out of shape over a trivial misunderstanding. Or, unfortunately, there are grown women who will gang up on and "mean girl" a member of their group just for fun. I'm not speaking only of my own experiences -- thankfully I don't have that much conflict in my life! My point is, if a friendship is important to two mature people participating in that friendship, this kind of stuff doesn't typically happen. I understand the frustration over not having closure, but probably better to chalk it up to these having been friendships that were not worth your time or effort in the long run, and you might not feel any better even if you did have a "reason" for why grown women behaved this way. Sorry that it happened to you, in any event!
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Originally Posted by upsadaisy
i had a group of friends i was close to in school and for a while after. we were all best friends. i talked about it on here before i think. anyway, i thought we were all pretty close and we always did stuff with each other. a few years after high school, out of nowhere, i started getting the cold shoulder. just little things at first, like feeling left out of a convo. but then suddenly they were ignoring my bday, not inviting me out with them, suddenly none of them could hang out etc. it really hurt me. i have never had a lot of friends but they were everything to me. it hurt like crazy. i never figured out why i was cut out like that. i tried to ask, like, hey did i do anything wrong, did i make someone mad. they say i didn't, but who knows. i wish i did know why. it was just all of a sudden and it bothers me not knowing.
to anyone this has happened to, i'm really sorry!! none of us deserve to get dropped without being giving a reason. friendship is supposed to be important and some people treat it like its worth nothing. even if youve done something wrong that's no excuse not to let someone know. i just think its so wrong to leave someone with no answers.
In 2007 I was a part of a wonderful group of women who would run and bike together several times a week. We were just like a group of best friends. They were all married and I was single but that didn't affect our relationships at all. We were all in our 40's to early 50's at the time (I was 44). I met my future husband in summer 2007. He lived in Michigan and I was living in Iowa. We became engaged and I told my friends that I would soon be moving to Michigan to get married. Everything changed after that. Once they realized that I was serious and actually moving, they took me off of the email list and stopped doing anything with me. I was no longer invited on their runs or rides. This was a month or so before I actually moved. I still had other friends to do things with but the way they dropped me out of their activities really hurt. I was shocked that they did that.
It's really something of some people like it was w/ my ex-friend how people you thought were your friends can just drop you at lightning speed for no reason whatsoever & literally never contact or see you again. It's like don't they miss me or even want to talk w/ me?! That shows they weren't real friends in the first place. It's true if they can laugh & literally be "rolling on the floor" so to speak one moment & be gone the next.
For me personally, a cousin of mine who I was never really close to in my youth & young adult life has come around & she & I nowadays talk once a month w/o fail & get together so far once a year. She's filled the void of my ex-friend. We just had our own busy lives before, but I'm glad we're building a nice cousin friendship!
When I was in 8th or 9th grade, I was friends with this kid. He was a bad apple. I didn't realize it initially. He was great at fooling parents/teachers/etc into thinking he was the idyllic student/child/etc. But he had a bad streak. Throwing firecrackers at cats - throwing large rocks at people's windows - slashing tires, etc.
I didn't realize any of this until we were friends for about a year. I began to distance myself when I realized this was the kind of stuff he did.
Anyway, he kept calling my house - trying to get me to hang out. I had no interest. Then when I continually wouldn't hang out, he'd start prank calling my parents at like 3am. Eventually (thankfully) he stopped bothering me. I guess he got a new friend or something.
A few years later I got a part time job at a store in our town. I was responsible enough that the boss let me lock up shop at the end of the day. Near the end of the day, I see him walking by the front of the store. He does a double take as he seems me. He comes in. I remain pleasant. He was pleasant enough. I check the clock, it is now about 2 minutes past closing time. I say "Hey, if you want to talk outside, that's fine. I need to lock up." He then proceeds to try to convince me to skim off the register since no one is there to see me or something. Things got heated, I eventually got him out of the store. Before he stalks off, he gets right in my face and says "You'll get yours... someday." What the hell?
About a year after that, I was locking up the store again. The store was in a strip mall and there was a passthrough door to get from the front of the strip mall to the employee parking in the back. So, I open up the door and start walking down this tunnel. I realize about 2 seconds too late that I didn't hear the passthrough door close behind me. I turn around, and this kid is there. He takes out his pocket knife and flips the light switch off.
Needless to say, I sprinted down this corridor in the dark to get away from this psycho. The moment before I get to the other end of the corridor... he flips the light switch back on. He hadn't moved. He just had this stupid looking grin on his face. "You were always such a chicken****." And he left.
Recently I went back to my hometown to spend a week with my parents. While I was there I reconnected with a few high-school friends. I updated one of the guys I met first about my career change and some personal details about my life. He secretly informed his best buddy, spinning the stories negatively. When I met with both of them together, the other guy commented repeatedly on how successful people don’t need to change careers, as if this unusual topic often popped up casually in conversation. Plenty of snide remarks and passive aggressive behavior. I’ll never contact either one again, but I was surprised to see these two still involved in teenage-years rivalries and jealousy.
One of my very best childhood friends from age 4 to 16 was "S". My surprise 13th birthday party was at her house. I used to sleep over all the time and swim in their pool. And...I had a crush on her older brother. We all used to sneak cigarettes and drink beer out in their barn. In junior year, she started going out with a boy, "K". "K" had been in my sixth grade class, and had picked on me and been horribly cruel. He proceeded to be insulting and hurtful up until the beginning of tenth grade. "S" took up with him, and did a complete 180 and suddenly wasn't my friend any more. They proceeded to date for years after graduation. In the meantime, I met and married my DH. I sent her an invitation to my wedding, with an inclusion for "K". Her mother and father came, but not her or "K". She never sent me a card. She never invited me to her own wedding, two years later.
Her parents had been very close friends with my aunt and uncle...very close. She didn't come to my aunt's 65th birthday party (because I was going to be there, I wonder?). I saw her the day of my dad's funeral (not at the service...she was outside cutting grass at my aunt's. She had graduated from nursing school, but didn't like nursing...she was working cutting grass for her brother-in-law's lawn company). My dad had died...you'd think she'd at least give me a hug...or some sincere condolence. She didn't, she just cold shouldered me. Years later, my cousin (the daughter of my aunt and uncle who were so close to the family) saw her at a visit to her parents' house one Thanksgiving weekend, and found her very standoffish, barely saying two words.
Her husband, "K", (the sixth grade a**hole) had a fast track career, and eventually made quite the salary. As far as I've heard, she's never had to work after doing the lawn mowing stint, other than running for district tax collector and winning, (but that was only for one term and because no one ran against her).
Over 40 years in hindsight, I wonder what was up with her, and what happened to my cute, bubbly, giggly friend. Did her husband have something to do with it?
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 05-17-2018 at 06:45 PM..
Odd or puzzling? Or just ended? Most peter out over time I guess.
Ex girlfriends usually peter out. Happened to a couple. Some come back. I don't worry on it much, nor do they. I really don't care, not being one with too terribly many friends and a low number of social media "friends" as-well.
Others, well:
- Friends with a smoking hot woman at work, turns out she had a thing for me but I was too dumb to know it. She married, her husband found me a threat, I backed off that being the right thing to do. She divorced, I tired of her weirdness, lost her three years, found her on a dating site, we went out and hooked up for a month. Found out we were too much alike, ironically, so that fling was over. We occasionally say hi on LinkedIn, she has some real trade craft I occasionally need in business so i refer her (she's a hired-gun consultant ant). Were we ever "friends,' I'm not sure. 20 years, this has gone on, and will go one at least 10-20 more no doubt.
- Best pal in college developed annoying habit of cheating on girlfriends. I found that despicable. He did it once too often, to current at the time. I froze him out a bit, after catching him with a hooker (rather awkward, we were roommates). After graduation, I just tossed his number. This was pre-email. Haven't spoken in 28 years. Looked him up maybe five years ago, he's in Chicago where I left him, and a bum. Married that last girl he was with, though, and went through court for DV and who knows what else. Court records, all online for free, couple DUIs too plus a bankruptcy. Bum then, bum now, but hey: not my problem. Schadenfreude? I let it slide, feeling like a stalker from 2,200 miles away.
- Another roommate and pal had a violent temper, but we sort of liked each other though he'd kick your ass as soon as look at you. Fine, whatever I figured. I left town to start my career and thought little of him. 20 years later another roommate of ours found me, and shared a bio of the guy: he'd done a full five year bid, plead down (I suspect) from rape. Then, three years of a second 7 year bid (I think). I think he's out now and living quietly not far from where we went to school. His violent, predatory nature got the best of him, obviously, and was most likely way worse than I knew. I have no sympathy for him, we've not talked since a couple years out of undergrad and no love lost there obviously.
- Dumped a bunch of clowns about six years ago now, after figuring out I really had no use for any of them end of the day. They were rather shocked, I hear tell. It was time for me to move on anyway. Not that I "hold grudges" per se, but when I'm done, I'm done. Now, a month from now, five decades from now: doesn't matter one bit to me. I guess others kiss and makeup; cross me once, I struggle to understand why I would forgive and/or forget anything. That's just how I roll, when people show their true colors.
6th grade- Entered middle school and was excited to meet my friends after summer vacation. It was during the 1st week of class. A friend has an older sister who had a broken zipper on her backpack. I looked at it and offered to fix it. Took it home, tried to fix, and can't so I returned it back the next day. Days later the sister said that inside the pack was $5 bill. I told them the bag was empty, there was no money inside. Of course if there was money I would tell them also. She didn't talk to me so I took it as a sign. We shared locker together so the next day, in the morning before homeroom, I wrote her a note that I'm not sharing the locker anymore and paid her with all my allowance in coins from my piggy bank. We sat next to each other in the homeroom and I can see from my peripheral vision that she got my coins. Too bad she lost an honest friend like me. I could decide not to pay her but I did. That was when I noticed new school, new altitude..people changing.
This current one is 1 year ago around Christmas time. We were friend for 10 years, she loved me as her sister. In fact, she asked me to be her younger sister because she wants a younger sister. I also want an older sis so I agreed. We live coast to coast a part. We found each other online. 10 years ago, I was jobless, living with my parents, going to school and she was in a complicated relationship, her 2nd relationship. I was her emotional support through text. She got a son, I loved him as my nephew because I was her godsis so I learn to love him. Throughout this friendship I learned a lot from her, she was smart and educated, her only problem was her abusive relationship and dramas. He made her lost everything, her business that she got with her 1st ex. With that 2nd ex she have 4 kids with him. I loved them all. I visited her first during Christmas. She then visited next summer and met my family. We welcomed her in like a family. As time went on, she became depressed, she got abused, she was in court, in the news, broke..I wish I can be there to help but I'm far so only my texts and support from afar. She need the money, I let her borrow. Money that I got from SSDI. She knows I'm sick and trying to save up for myself.
Finally, she broke up with the 2nd and met her 3rd who loves and accepted her for who she is. The 3rd moved to a new city to start his new job. A sales job that earn unsteady commission. Each time when he got paid he send her the money. I was happy for her. I was surprised that she still ask to borrow my money claiming that she don't have enough to feed her children.I was soft heart before because I want the children to get fed, but this time I said no because she has a man now who work and support her. I told her if she didn't go to salon to do her hair that cost $300, she will have that money to feed her kids. She finally moved to the city with him and she became more happier. She started an online business and I helped with the ideas and contents. I was her first customer. I noticed that she stated to change when she got better. She demanded me to buy her son a toy which cost $200 on his birthday as my gift to him, I told her no. I don't even splurge that much on myself, why would I do for him. Asked her why don't she buy, she got a business now, "business money is for business". She called me cheap. I'm on a fixed income of only $900 a month. Heck my medicine is expensive!
Finally, on Christmas I saw that toy on sale for $50 and sent over to him. I noticed we didn't talk much during that December and when she got the toy she sent pic of him holding it with thank you note. I reply "ok" back I want to see if she was saying anything else. Nothing. On new year, she texted back "we should end this", I said "Ok." She texted more, "I don't feel the connection anymore, any money I owe you I will pay back, I don't want anyone to talk **** about me" I read and go wow, and deleted her number instantly. I was laughing inside, how can she said that, don't want anyone to talk **** about her when she was the one who asked me to be her sis, borrowed my money, and having dramas before she met her 3rd man. So I say to myself ok let see if she going to pay up which I think never. Oh well, I was hurt, and vent to my friends. I don't need a lot of explanation from people, if they want to end, I end too and instantly. In March I got a text from unknown number, it was her because she mention about the foods she was cooking and it reminded her of me. When I was there I loved her cooking. I didn't reply back because she said so herself that we should end this and I did as she wish. I don't turn back. My sister said I'm too bold. I told her I don't need that kind of person in my life again. True colors showed me already when they get better they are arrogant. She started this, she ended this. I don't want flip flop people. Besides, I never asked any favors from her.
My friend called me one day at work, and a family member of hers was seriously (and suddenly) ill. I went to her house immediately, waited with her as she tried to find out more and couldn't reach another family member. She began to panic & was walking in a tight little circle, and I put my hands out to reach her shoulders, and told her to go pack a bag, and that I would take care of her pets while she was gone. She agreed, packed up, and left. The family member passed away, and I offered her my sympathy verbally, left a card, sent a donation to a charity in her loved-one's name. Weeks later--heck, MONTHS later--she suddenly accused me of being cruel to her on that day, saying when I put my hands out to place them on her shoulders, I was using body language to tell her to shut up and that I didn't think her situation or feelings were important. I was utterly shocked. I have no idea what could ever make her believe that. I was unbelievably hurt. I gave it a few days, then went to talk to her, to tell her how incredibly sorry I was for her loss, and that if there was anything I did that she interpreted as "cruel," I was sincere in my desire to offer help and sympathy, that I never, ever felt what she was ascribing to me, and that it was all a misunderstanding, one I was willing to let go if she could. She declined what she called my "non-apology." To this day, she is cold toward me. I will never know what it was that she thought I did, and it still hurts me. But, I can't make her see that, and she won't accept that I didn't feel the way she says I did.
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