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Having two boys - both of them married - I realize best way is to accept that you will never have a close family relationship that you once had.
Both our DILs respect us and cordial but the affection is not there. I go out of my way to get involved in their interests but it is not the same as having your own daughters.
I envy all moms with daughters.
What I have learned is keep smiling and accept everything even if they are wrong including in-laws so you can maintain a relationship with your adult sons.
But if you are a daughter's parents - you can just throw out your opinions even if it is silly/wrong/hurtful - always justification is - oh they don't know any better.
At some point i get to say i am grown up and if this doesn't feel good, i walk away and decline to participate. Peace is a priority. I will not do the drama.
^^^^^ This is the right path. Let peace be your umpire. The stress will only make you ill. Just like it has in the past. That is what it did to me.
I feel very bad for those of you who are estranged or partially estranged from your children. I imagine it must be heartbreaking. Hugs.
I would say to continue interacting with your children in the most positive manner possible. Hopefully, your children will respond in-kind at some point.
To the OP, it is truly reprehensible the treatment you have received at the hands of you DIL and her mother. I hope your son wakes up one day and realizes what is occurring before it is too late.
Having two boys - both of them married - I realize best way is to accept that you will never have a close family relationship that you once had.
Both our DILs respect us and cordial but the affection is not there. I go out of my way to get involved in their interests but it is not the same as having your own daughters.
I envy all moms with daughters.
What I have learned is keep smiling and accept everything even if they are wrong including in-laws so you can maintain a relationship with your adult sons.
But if you are a daughter's parents - you can just throw out your opinions even if it is silly/wrong/hurtful - always justification is - oh they don't know any better.
Not always true. There are a lot of controlling men out there who seek to isolate their wives. I have seen it happen quite a few times where the woman avoids contact with close family and friends to appease her husband.
OP, I don’t want to infer that your kids feel the same way but just to offer my perspective. I never liked my mother. It sounds horrible and it took me long time to come to terms with it. She has been a good mother but I just don’t like her as a person. And as an adult, I just really don’t want to be around her at all.
I do invite my parents to visit once a year (they live abroad) but it’s mostly to see my dad and for the kid to see his grandparents. If anything happens to my dad and my mom is left alone I’m not going to just stick her in a nursing home. But this is because I feel a moral obligation rather than genuine affection.
When my kid grows up, I do not expect to play a large part in his life anymore. It’s just how it is. The kids grow up and have their own lives.
Just enjoy your life and do what you like. That’s all we can do, I think.
I'm only on page 4 so maybe this has been discussed already. Are these people of the Hindu religion? That can be a very significant clash in many ways. One thing is that they are vegetarians, and meat eating may offend them. India also has a very rigid caste system which may play a part also. Not that you are an untouchable. Just that other cultures have a hugely different belief system, and way of doing things than we do here in the west. It's hard enough for people of the same culture to get along much less cultures that are polar opposites.
I also read an article about arranged marriages in India, and how astrology plays a big part in choosing mates for Indians. If it isn't in the stars then it's a no go for them. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with anything. I'm just throwing it out there to try to make sense of that families rudeness.
If they are the ones that will live F/T with your son, and his family when they are aged then visits will truly be a nightmare for you. Can you imagine having them there every time you turn around, and no escape except the bathroom, sigh.
I have 4 grown sons, 3 of which are married and the daughter in laws family always take first place. It's not because I'm hard to get along with, it's just because that is the way it is with this newer generation. I try to stay in touch with the grandchildren, have phone calls with my sons, be thoughtful of the daughter in laws. Recently, I moved 2200 miles away from them all because of my husband's job relocation. So, they or I never have to figure out how to squeeze me in for holidays anymore! Two of the sons have one son of their own...we will see how that works out someday when they get married.
I don't know if it's the newer generation thing. The saying: “A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life.” has been around for quite awhile.
I see this same setup with DH's real brother. With my BIL, his wife runs the show and as such, her family has always been the top priority. It is so bad that when we had kids, the BIL didn't even bother show interest or even "congratulations". Despite the fact that my DH tried as much as he could to be involved with BIL's boys. BIL met our oldest a handful of times, the younger 2 none at all. His wife avoids us at all cost. It should be interesting now that their 2 boys are becoming adults. If they follow the family model they grew up with, I know the BIL and his wife will be beyond devastated. That's actually what my MIL is hoping for... My MIL got mad at me when I said probably not (BIL is rolling in money).
the India daughter in law is fine staying in USA, her brother has moved to the same town and they have many cousins who have settled in USA. She said of the 100+ cousins (both parents come from familes of 12+ kids) about half come to America to live, and about half stay in India.
the Venezuela daughter in law talks all the time about leaving America and going back to her family in Venezuela, she has been saying this for the last 12 years since they met in high school (her family sent her to USA to live with an aunt for high school and college). she is outright and out spokenly anti American. at one point her boyfriend (my son) told her she needed to get a job, so everyone was trying to help her with job search and employment, and someone mentioned the USA jobs website which has many entry level jobs, including bilingual which she has skills in, she went into her anti American tirade about how she would never work for the American government. Several people in the family work for the government, or contractors for the government or universities which receive funding by the federal government.
even her own parents are telling her not to move back to Caracas, to buy a house in America (which they have offered to buy for the newlyweds). which she declines to do. what newlywed in their right mind declines a gift of a house? I don't get it.
both the daughters in law come from family money, so at least they are not marrying the boys for their money, i sort of worried about that when they were growing up.
^ All this "stuff"--let it go and all the other stuff, the wedding, receptions and such---Let It Go. I feel while reading your posts you are too involved in their life, thinking how it should be and shouldn't be. My MIL had all kinds of opinions about our life, so did the SIL. It taught how I don't want to be with my sons. Do you think I made time with my MIL and SIL? No, I wasn't going in the lion's den. My husband didn't like it either. In our 37 years in our house, I think they have been here three times. Just focus on regular everyday stuff with your son. If you want a happy life with your son, don't give your opinions about his family and his in-laws. Nothing ever good comes of that. I decided a long time ago if my sons married someone I didn't care for I would suck it up and keep it to myself. I decided long ago I would never make my sons have to take sides--for when they are married, they made a vow to their wife--and that is the side they should be on. Maybe your sons shouldn't be sharing all that information with you. "Who ever said a Mother's love was soft and gentle has never seen a Mother Cat protect their young." Of course you are going to get your fur in a knot when you hear such things. It gets tougher when you have adult kids, we don't get to tell them what to do anymore. You can't control the in-laws. Just Let It Go--live your life, support your sons emotionally and go on with your life. Sons especially need the approval of their Mothers. You don't have to agree with their lives, just accept/tolerate it and move on.
I read in the NY Times that it's the wife who sets the family's social calendar and activities, so the family will almost always be close to the wife's family but not the husband's. That applies in most situations and it has nothing to do with how wonderful the husband's mother or rest of his family is.
Visits in my family are just few and far between, and they are kept short. Better that than no visit. It's also just tough to visit people who aren't on vacation themselves, so perhaps schedule weekends where everyone goes somewhere together.
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