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Let's be frank: If the OP were a wealthy divorcee, the Indian in-laws would be fawning all over her. None of this nose-high sniffing about there being a divorced woman in the room. And THEY would be coming to visit HER, no doubt planning to stay as long as possible.
Instead, she is an older woman of modest means. Her status is practically nil. The OP has little to leave their children, and no possessions or status symbols they can boast about to their friends.
OP, you did exactly the right thing in refusing to meet with that woman. She would have patronized you at best.
you've got a point. i had not thought about it in those terms, however you are correct.
when i went up for the USA wedding reception, it was a dress up event (dinner and dancing) and the daughter in law asked me at one point if I had everything that I needed or if there was anything that she could loan me. I thought that was very nice. As it happens in my packing i had forgotten to put in the small box that had my simple jewelry (necklace, bracelets). So I told her i forgot to pack these and could i borrow a simple necklace? There was a long pause and she said, "No. My jewelry is too fancy for the dress you are wearing. It is not your style, " and she turned and walked away. I thought maybe she had gone to ask one of the cousins (there were 4 female cousins in the house all getting dressed and ready) for something but no. That was it.
Idk...I wouldn't stay at my kids' house all week watching tv or doing art, while they're at work. That would be aggravating to a family with young kids or anyone actually IMO.
Nope.
if no one is at home ....because they are at work.....how can it be aggravating?
and I don't watch TV.
am i missing something here?
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 08-24-2018 at 10:28 AM..
You are not retired but you're at a good age to start taking non-family vacations to do as you want. Your children and their families sounds like a lot of work to visit and spend time with; if there are places you would like to go, or things you've been wanting to do, then DO THEM! I assume your health is good but that could change and you don't want to lose the opportunity to enjoy the world.
this is excellent advice. several times i have picked up and moved to places that I wanted to live, because once the kids left home it was the first time in my life I could actually live where I wanted to live without having someone else tell me where we were going to live. It felt and feels wonderful. I've saved up my leave time and my funds and live very modestly so that I have been able to travel overseas and take trips and have wonderful adventures.
up until now that has also included visits to see my adult children. occasional visits to see the adult children of once a year. and those visits were of a short duration like 4-5 days, which the adult children did not take off from work so basically we're talking a weekend and a few evenings. it just never had the drama or turmoil it has until now. Nor has it had the humiliation and lack of dignity.
the money is an issue and I am aware of it. their father and his side of the family is rolling in money. he (and his parents when they were still living) for every vacation they wanted to see all the family, would pay to fly everyone kids, girlfriends, all the cousins, to Hawaii or an Alaskan cruise. And it was not an option to say no, they were required to go. It was one of the reasons i left that marriage, money was used to buy people. So I got used to not seeing my kids on any holiday whatsoever. and that is EVER since they were about 10 years old. when they were older and at university and actually indicated an interest in seeing me their mom on a holiday or college break, they were told dad and grandparents were paying for college so no they would not be seeing their mother they would go wherever dad and grandparents said they would go. no discussion. end of conversation. that has been the pattern forever in the family and as i said that is one of the reasons i got out of that marriage.
i can't do that. i can't compete with flying everyone to Hawaii or taking them all on a cruise. i can help pay for an air bnb at wherever they choose. and i can take them out for one fancy dinner when we get together. that's it. i am well aware that is nothing in comparison to the lavish offerings of their dad's family, and now two sets of inlaws. a month in India touring and seeing places like the Taj Mahal. A month in Venezuela, well, under armed guard basically but still seeing beaches and forests. A month in Spain on a whim. A month touring Europe including Venice.
if mom is boring compared to that then so be it. it is what it is.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 08-24-2018 at 10:37 AM..
this is excellent advice. several times i have picked up and moved to places that I wanted to live, because once the kids left home it was the first time in my life I could actually live where I wanted to live without having someone else tell me where we were going to live. It felt and feels wonderful. I've saved up my leave time and my funds and live very modestly so that I have been able to travel overseas and take trips and have wonderful adventures.
up until now that has also included visits to see my adult children. occasional visits to see the adult children of once a year. and those visits were of a short duration like 4-5 days, which the adult children did not take off from work so basically we're talking a weekend and a few evenings. it just never had the drama or turmoil it has until now. Nor has it had the humiliation and lack of dignity.
the money is an issue and I am aware of it. their father and his side of the family is rolling in money. he (and his parents when they were still living) for every vacation they wanted to see all the family, would pay to fly everyone kids, girlfriends, all the cousins, to Hawaii or an Alaskan cruise. And it was not an option to say no, they were required to go. It was one of the reasons i left that marriage, money was used to buy people. So I got used to not seeing my kids on any holiday whatsoever. and that is EVER since they were about 10 years old. when they were older and at university and actually indicated an interest in seeing me their mom on a holiday or college break, they were told dad and grandparents were paying for college so no they would not be seeing their mother they would go wherever dad and grandparents said they would go. no discussion. end of conversation. that has been the pattern forever in the family and as i said that is one of the reasons i got out of that marriage.
i can't do that. i can't compete with flying everyone to Hawaii or taking them all on a cruise. i can help pay for an air bnb at wherever they choose. and i can take them out for one fancy dinner when we get together. that's it. i am well aware that is nothing in comparison to the lavish offerings of their dad's family, and now two sets of inlaws. a month in India touring and seeing places like the Taj Mahal. A month in Venezuela, well, under armed guard basically but still seeing beaches. A month in Spain on a whim. A month touring Europe including Venice.
if mom is boring compared to that then so be it. it is what it is.
Seems to me there is a history of undermining you as a mother, and the pattern has continued with the sons who see nothing wrong with the way their wives treat you.
You know what I say, go live your life to the fullest, have a blast, get some new experiences under your wings, take a few weekend trips or fun holidays and send them postcards. You may not go to the Taj Mahal but you can still live a life of adventure and joy wherever you live.
Let's be frank: If the OP were a wealthy divorcee, the Indian in-laws would be fawning all over her. None of this nose-high sniffing about there being a divorced woman in the room. And THEY would be coming to visit HER, no doubt planning to stay as long as possible.
Instead, she is an older woman of modest means. Her status is practically nil. The OP has little to leave their children, and no possessions or status symbols they can boast about to their friends.
OP, you did exactly the right thing in refusing to meet with that woman. She would have patronized you at best.
Seems to me there is a history of undermining you as a mother, and the pattern has continued with the sons who see nothing wrong with the way their wives treat you.
You know what I say, go live your life to the fullest, have a blast, get some new experiences under your wings, take a few weekend trips or fun holidays and send them postcards. You may not go to the Taj Mahal but you can still live a life of adventure and joy wherever you live.
yes absolutely. this is simple true profound good advice.
if i tell my sons enjoy life and do the things that bring you joy and happiness,
then it applies to me as well, and I too get to do those same things. thank you.
yes absolutely. this is simple true profound good advice.
if i tell my sons enjoy life and do the things that bring you joy and happiness,
then it applies to me as well, and I too get to do those same things. thank you.
you've got a point. i had not thought about it in those terms, however you are correct.
when i went up for the USA wedding reception, it was a dress up event (dinner and dancing) and the daughter in law asked me at one point if I had everything that I needed or if there was anything that she could loan me. I thought that was very nice. As it happens in my packing i had forgotten to put in the small box that had my simple jewelry (necklace, bracelets). So I told her i forgot to pack these and could i borrow a simple necklace? There was a long pause and she said, "No. My jewelry is too fancy for the dress you are wearing. It is not your style, " and she turned and walked away. I thought maybe she had gone to ask one of the cousins (there were 4 female cousins in the house all getting dressed and ready) for something but no. That was it.
Indian women of means tend to favor solid 22k and 24k gold jewelry wrought in very elaborate designs. It’s considered portable wealth. It’s also a way for those who operate in India’s cash economy to avoid paying taxes.
There might have been a sliver of truth in what she said about it being too fancy, but perhaps only a sliver.
you've got a point. i had not thought about it in those terms, however you are correct.
when i went up for the USA wedding reception, it was a dress up event (dinner and dancing) and the daughter in law asked me at one point if I had everything that I needed or if there was anything that she could loan me. I thought that was very nice. As it happens in my packing i had forgotten to put in the small box that had my simple jewelry (necklace, bracelets). So I told her i forgot to pack these and could i borrow a simple necklace? There was a long pause and she said, "No. My jewelry is too fancy for the dress you are wearing. It is not your style, " and she turned and walked away. I thought maybe she had gone to ask one of the cousins (there were 4 female cousins in the house all getting dressed and ready) for something but no. That was it.
I think you showed incredible restraint by not grabbing her and flushing her head in the toilet. What a witch.
A good point has been made, if you were wealthy they would be all over you. I bet if you invented some distant relative that has left you a huge fortune, you would suddenly see the dynamic of your treatment change by everyone especially the witch.
Let's be frank: If the OP were a wealthy divorcee, the Indian in-laws would be fawning all over her. None of this nose-high sniffing about there being a divorced woman in the room. And THEY would be coming to visit HER, no doubt planning to stay as long as possible.
Instead, she is an older woman of modest means. Her status is practically nil. The OP has little to leave their children, and no possessions or status symbols they can boast about to their friends.
OP, you did exactly the right thing in refusing to meet with that woman. She would have patronized you at best.
thanks fluffy you nailed it exactly.
after they had been dating for about 2 years, my son called and said they were getting serious and he was considering proposing marriage, which was exciting and I congratulated him. He said her parents were flying over from India to meet him for the first time. And he said he wanted me to meet them and he asked me to fly up and meet them, so i did. We met in a little coffee shop during the day, at one table sat my son and his girlfriend, and at the neighboring table, we sat, her parents and me.
I was of course delighted to meet them all smiles and greetings. I mentioned to the father (he is a medical doctor) as an icebreaker and common ground, that we work in the same profession (i have worked in healthcare for over 15 years at either a hospital or medical center). He looked aghast and there was dead silence. no sharing of what specialty, no asking about what client base served, none of the ordinary conversation about working in the same field, not even the most basic "oh what do you do."
the other bizarre aspect of this visit for her parents coming from India to meet him, was that she had lied to her parents for two years about dating him. Because he was not their religion. And they disapproved. And they were sleeping together. She hid all the photos of them together as a boyfriend and girlfriend, particularly those photos of them on vacation travelling together. She told him what he could say and not say when he met them. she was over 30 years old at the time. throughout this two years her mom kept sending boys to meet her as an arranged marriage, which she went along and met once and then dismissed.
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