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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
35,633 posts, read 17,968,125 times
Reputation: 50655
Michael, have you ever been in a long term relationship?
I see Phil's behavior as being a little immature, but not abusive. His wife understands he just needs to vent a little - this didn't sound at ALL like an "abusive" conversation, rather he was peeved and very annoyed and needed to communicate that.
It's not like she has heavy makeup to cover a black eye. He expressed annoyance, and all's good.
I was thinking you might have been with my brother and his wife when I read this.
I was shocked when I heard how angry my brother got at his wife when we were all staying together over the holidays one year. I was lying in bed, about to fall asleep, and his outburst in another bedroom was so loud, it jolted me up to a sitting position. It shocked me.
I knew my brother was prone to road rage, and had an anger problem when we were kids, but that night I was truly shocked at the level of anger he expressed. I don't spend time with them or live anywhere near them, so I have no idea if it was a one off or a pattern.
I see Phil's behavior as being a little immature, but not abusive. His wife understands he just needs to vent a little - this didn't sound at ALL like an "abusive" conversation, rather he was peeved and very annoyed and needed to communicate that.
I never used the word "abusive." A few people who responded to my post made that insinuation, but I did not because the situation is exactly as you describe. A friend got angry and lashed out -- it just caught me by total surprise that he did so in that way with that person, maybe because I couldn't see myself doing the same. I only lash out in anger when nobody's watching, because I don't want to be seen as the kind of person who acts that way.
I was going to start out with a sentence that said, "Trust me...." and then I thought better of it.
You can believe me or not. But, in the event you do want to believe me - I grew up with many dysfunctional family members from all sides and levels of relation.
In my opinion, it's helpful to understand that what you probably witnessed was basically a tiny "leakage," if you will.
In other words, the real situation/relationship is probably much worse, and is exactly what you thought - and probably worse.
The truth of the situation/relationship is probably not just what you saw and your worst assumptions, but much, much worse behind closed doors.
But, I will also say that in today's world in America, she does have a choice to leave him (your relative). it would be hard, and maybe she doesn't have the strength to do that.
But, you certainly don't have to approve of his behavior by sitting there watching the show.
So, even if she can't divorce him because she isn't a strong-willed independent person, you can tell her you hope someday she will, and when she comes to that decision, to call you. But, in the meantime, you can't hang around and watch the abuse.
She may or may not ever call you. But, then it's not your battle anymore. Go forward and enjoy your life. You can't control other people who don''t really want your help. And remember to listen to their actions more than their words. Sometimes people want you to participate in drama, but they don't really want to change the status quo.
Only a matter of time before you're his next target. He's gotta go, period. And I would do it asap because you and him are both men and if it comes down to it, you may find yourself duking it out. Which may lead to jail. Be smart and protect yourself.
I recently took a lengthy vacation with a couple I've known for 14 years. I'll call them "Phil" and "Sarah." They're typically very nice people and they've been great to me over the years.
The fact that they were smiling side by side on the boat a mere fifteen minutes later speaks volumes. It says that she just accepts this as part of who he is. It's amazing to me, because they've always been the happiest couple I know, and I consider him extremely lucky to have such a perfect life partner. So the idea that he couldn't find a way to tone it down over something so trivial bugged the heck out of me. I get angry too, but I lash out in private where nobody can hear me. I couldn't even imagine talking to someone I cared about like that for any reason.
Thoughts?
People get angry. Sometimes in private, sometimes in public. It wasn't directed toward you. I am not sure why his behavior bothers you so much. He is your friend, can't you be more accepting of his rare, non perfect behavior?
As others have said, you do seem to be the third wheel, and you seem very concerned about how Sarah is being treated (in that YOU would never treat her this way). Which does seem a bit odd. Is there a crush going on?
If you don't like how he acts sometimes, you don't have to hang around with them. Are they like parental figures for you? Just wondering what the dynamic is of this - 14 year, single person with a couple - friendship is about.
I was going to start out with a sentence that said, "Trust me...." and then I thought better of it.
You can believe me or not. But, in the event you do want to believe me - I grew up with many dysfunctional family members from all sides and levels of relation.
In my opinion, it's helpful to understand that what you probably witnessed was basically a tiny "leakage," if you will.
In other words, the real situation/relationship is probably much worse, and is exactly what you thought - and probably worse.
The truth of the situation/relationship is probably not just what you saw and your worst assumptions, but much, much worse behind closed doors.
But, I will also say that in today's world in America, she does have a choice to leave him (your relative). it would be hard, and maybe she doesn't have the strength to do that.
But, you certainly don't have to approve of his behavior by sitting there watching the show.
So, even if she can't divorce him because she isn't a strong-willed independent person, you can tell her you hope someday she will, and when she comes to that decision, to call you. But, in the meantime, you can't hang around and watch the abuse.
She may or may not ever call you. But, then it's not your battle anymore. Go forward and enjoy your life. You can't control other people who don''t really want your help. And remember to listen to their actions more than their words. Sometimes people want you to participate in drama, but they don't really want to change the status quo.
Or he had a momentary lapse in patience and took it out on his wife. And while its not nice, its hardly an abusive relationship. He was probably very stressed and the fact that the OP was there witnessing his stress made it worse.
OP DO NOT tell this woman to leave her husband and to "call you". 1) it was a single incident of shouting, which did not even affect the day. 2) saying that would be way out of line 3) it would look like you want Sarah which would affect both your relationships with Phil 4) it seems like you are interested in Sarah in which case you should back off
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