Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I recently took a lengthy vacation with a couple I've known for 14 years. I'll call them "Phil" and "Sarah." They're typically very nice people and they've been great to me over the years. The only thing is, Phil occasionally has difficulty controlling his anger. And I totally get that, however on at least three occasions he's lashed out directly at people and then acted like he had no idea why they were annoyed. That's when I get unnerved.
I haven't seen him angry very often, and it usually only comes out for things like getting cut off in traffic or when he's trying to fix something that doesn't fix easily. On many occasions, I've actually seen him hold in serious frustration very well. But on two occasions, many years ago, I saw him have a brutal temper towards other people over a minor issue. And during our trip, to my astonishment, I saw him lash out at his wife over the phone.
We were on our way to meet Sarah for a boat ride. She was trying to call him on the phone. But he was in a grumpy mood because it was so hot, and he couldn't see the phone screen due to sun glare so he couldn't answer the call. When he did reach her, she must have opened with "I tried to call you," and he responded with a nasty, "I KNOW!" followed by a rant of all the things that were going wrong (extremely minor in my opinion) and how he couldn't do all those things "AND TALK TO YOU!" Then he hung up.
The fact that they were smiling side by side on the boat a mere fifteen minutes later speaks volumes. It says that she just accepts this as part of who he is. It's amazing to me, because they've always been the happiest couple I know, and I consider him extremely lucky to have such a perfect life partner. So the idea that he couldn't find a way to tone it down over something so trivial bugged the heck out of me. I get angry too, but I lash out in private where nobody can hear me. I couldn't even imagine talking to someone I cared about like that for any reason.
When you say "brutal temper" is that rage? And is he directing this right at someone? Or is he angry at the situation, not the person?
As for the wife I'd want to know how often he does this to her, and if there is any physical abuse, or threat of physical abuse. That's a very touchy subject to ask her about so I would not unless I really thought she was being abused.
Frequent anger directed at a wife (she caused it) is emotional abuse.
The fact that they were smiling side by side on the boat a mere fifteen minutes later speaks volumes. It says that she just accepts this as part of who he is. It's amazing to me, because they've always been the happiest couple I know, and I consider him extremely lucky to have such a perfect life partner. So the idea that he couldn't find a way to tone it down over something so trivial bugged the heck out of me. I get angry too, but I lash out in private where nobody can hear me. I couldn't even imagine talking to someone I cared about like that for any reason.
Thoughts?
Several.
One: No one is a "perfect life partner." We all have strengths and weaknesses. That you think "Sarah" is a perfect life partner and that "Phil" is "extremely lucky" makes me wonder if you're too envious to view "Phil" uncritically.
Two: You don't know what "Phil's" stresses are or how much "Sarah" has contributed to them. Again, she is not perfect. Nor, of course, is he.
No one knows what goes on inside a marriage other than the two people who are in it.
One: No one is a "perfect life partner." We all have strengths and weaknesses. That you think "Sarah" is a perfect life partner and that "Phil" is "extremely lucky" makes me wonder if you're too envious to view "Phil" uncritically.
Two: You don't know what "Phil's" stresses are or how much "Sarah" has contributed to them. Again, she is not perfect. Nor, of course, is he.
No one knows what goes on inside a marriage other than the two people who are in it.
This. Plus you don’t know what Sarah actually said to Phil on the phone. Maybe she said “you bastard, I’ve been trying to call you where have you been?” And the perfect partner comment was interesting.
BTW I once lashed out at my husband on vacation in a foreign country with his brother and SIL. It was by phone and they were with him and I was alone. A lot of my frustration was fueled by some prior history of hubby’s communication style which a bystander wouldn’t have known was behind this. When I finally met up with them it was all good.
I assure you I treat my husband very well overall and vice versa.
It sounds like you were a third wheel. She is not perfect by any means by allowing her husband to speak to her in a such a manner. Her response to his anger may seem attractive to you, but people who can't control their own anger are attracted to others who can put up with that nonsense. Not me. I stop cooperating when people are angry or are known to get angry. They have to calm down first or there needs to be a better plan in place.
For example, if the guy yells at people on the road, I will make a suggestion such as letting me drive or leaving earlier for more time. If he can't read between the lines that his yelling at other drivers is unacceptable, he will be explicitly told what the problem is. If he is offended, I don't enter the car with him.
This. Plus you don’t know what Sarah actually said to Phil on the phone. Maybe she said “you bastard, I’ve been trying to call you where have you been?” And the perfect partner comment was interesting.
BTW I once lashed out at my husband on vacation in a foreign country with his brother and SIL. It was by phone and they were with him and I was alone. A lot of my frustration was fueled by some prior history of hubby’s communication style which a bystander wouldn’t have known was behind this. When I finally met up with them it was all good.
I assure you I treat my husband very well overall and vice versa.
I think a lot of people can get on fights when they are on vacation. It just happens, but I wouldn’t consider it an overall picture of a relationship. My dad always drives on vacations and my mom is a horrible navigator, so this inevitably ends up in fighting. I know one time I drove and got into a fight with her about this, and have seen my dad snap at her for the same reason. As a bystander, someone would not know about this history though. Sometimes she doesn’t even alert him as to what the plans even are.
And is he directing this right at someone? Or is he angry at the situation, not the person?
The handful of times I've seen him act like this (over 14 years), the anger stemmed from the situation and he took it out on the closest person.
Obviously, I know they aren't "perfect." But with the exception of this one incident, every time I see them they are smiling and telling stories of what's been going on in their lives. They always appear to be on the same wavelength about everything. He's described other trips they took where they were in complete agreement the entire time. I'm not sure I've ever seen her get mad or anything more than slightly frustrated. She seems to have a rosy outlook on everything. When her husband blows a gasket, she stays totally calm and tries to deflect it. And he generally doesn't stay angry for more than a minute or so, then he's back to normal.
Every man has to deal with his anger, better to see it in public every once in a while, than never. If you always hold in your anger, that’s going to be problem for everyone else.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
