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I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner at a neighbor's house and I accepted.
I was then invited to another neighbor's Thanksgiving dinner, and that invitation I obviously declined citing the previous obligation.
According to etiquette authority, Miss Manners, the only time you can break an engagement for a later invitation is when it is to dine with the President.
At this point, I won't change anything because everyone has been given his RSVPs, but I want your opinions on the situation because there is more to it.
The possible conundrum arises because the person who offered the 2nd invitation is seriously ill, and this might be her last Thanksgiving. In fact in a slightly earlier conversation, we had discussed a Christmas event, but there was concern that might not be possible due to a decline in health (either from treatment or untreatability; the specifics were left unsaid). So while I know the health situation is serious, I do not know for certain that she is nearing the end, be it 3, 6 or 9 months, or several years if things turn out well. Alternatively, it could be that the Thanksgiving event versus Christmas is being driven by a suddenly worsening health situation. I just don't know, and it would be rude to pry.
In your views, would reversing my acceptance of the previously given invitation have been acceptable given the situation? Would knowing for certain have made it acceptable?
I don't think this has an absolute answer, but still, what do you all think?
What's acceptable is what YOU decide is acceptable. Who gives a crap about what a stranger calls "manners?" If you really want to be with you ill friend, then go there. You aren't under any obligation to the first RSVP. Tell them you can't make it. Life will go on.
If I was the person who first invited you, and you explained to me what you just posted, I would absolutely not mind if you changed your plans. I would probably encourage you to visit with your ailing friend.
Nor would I. In fact, I'd feel bad if I found out afterward that a person had skipped Thanksgiving with a seriously-ill friend because they were afraid to tell me they wanted to back out of mine. Under most circumstances I would say do not cancel if you get a "better" offer, but sometimes opportunities come up that will not occur again, like ill friends or a chance to see family or friends you would not have otherwise, or whatever, and "this may be the person's last Thanksgiving" is one of the best reasons I can think of to change plans. I can't think of anything you would seriously mess up by not going-- so they have a few extra leftovers, so they have to change the seating chart slightly, whatever; it's a way smaller problem to not have someone you did plan for than to suddenly have someone you didn't.
"See each other another day" may not be the solution because some people put very big store in Thanksgiving and getting a bunch of people together and it really means something to them to have people gathered, so "doing lunch" later won't be nearly the same. You invite someone to a party because you want to see them at an other-than-everyday/commonplace event.
"Unfortunately, I already have plans for Thanksgiving dinner, but could I come by later in the evening with a pumpkin pie? I'd love to spend some time with you."
I would probably try to sniff out if the first invitation has many people also invited or If it’s just a small group
If I was one of many I would definitely ask to be released from my obligation
Would it not be better to treat the second neighbor normally, rather than treat her as if she is dying? And why hasn’t someone invited HER, if she’s so sick?
And some of you have added twists that I did not think of.
For example, for various reasons of accessibility, choice and location doing lunch isn't really an option, but another reason as some of you explained is "putting store in doing Thanksgiving right" with a convivial group. I hadn't thought of that, and it's important to both hosts.
Gentlearts I'm of the same mind as you. I don't know if that's the absolutely best thing to do, but it's what I would want.
VTsnowbird and K12144, I agree that Host #1 would gladly forgive my declining after I had accepted, but something in me says I still shouldn't renege unless I am certain about the situation with Host #2.
But regardless, even though Host #2's Christmas plans aren't firmed up, I'll keep Christmas open just in case, and treat Host #2's Christmas plans as a firm invitation.
Would it not be better to treat the second neighbor normally, rather than treat her as if she is dying? And why hasn’t someone invited HER, if she’s so sick?
Because perhaps she is hosting her family/friends at her house? Because perhaps this friend isn't friends with the other one whose home OP is going to?
Because perhaps she is hosting her family/friends at her house? Because perhaps this friend isn't friends with the other one whose home OP is going to?
Good observation. These to neighborhood friends of mine don't know each other.
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