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I have, over the past year, reconnected with a former co worker from 35 years ago. We were not close friends at the time, but upon reconnecting, we found we have led parallel lives. We’re the same age, have both had the same health issues, etc. so we messenger daily, and are able to share things safely from a distance.
She and her 2nd husband of 19 years, have seemed happy through our correspondence. They are 68 and 71. They recently got two very expensive puppies. I told her that was a mistake at their age, but they did it anyway. They intended to get one after their lab died, but the husband fell in love with a second one. The puppies are about 6 months old and are over the worst of it.
Now, my friend is spending the week at her sons, to babysit her teenage grandson, and will fly home on Saturday. Yesterday, the husband called her and said the dogs are causing him to be depressed, and can he get rid of them, or does she want to say goodbye? She says he has not been the man she married for about 2 years now. He went to a shrink, but lied his way through it. He won’t go to the doctor. He also has diabetes that he won’t properly take care of.
I feel sorry for her. I think what he did is deliberate cruelty to punish her for being gone. She said she is going to tell her doctor, who is in the same practice as the husband’s, to get advice. I told her I think that’s a good idea, and to get help for herself; put herself first. She really babies this guy, and this is the thanks she gets.
What would y’all tell her to help her get through this?
I have, over the past year, reconnected with a former co worker from 35 years ago. We were not close friends at the time, but upon reconnecting, we found we have led parallel lives. We’re the same age, have both had the same health issues, etc. so we messenger daily, and are able to share things safely from a distance.
She and her 2nd husband of 19 years, have seemed happy through our correspondence. They are 68 and 71. They recently got two very expensive puppies. I told her that was a mistake at their age, but they did it anyway. They intended to get one after their lab died, but the husband fell in love with a second one. The puppies are about 6 months old and are over the worst of it.
Now, my friend is spending the week at her sons, to babysit her teenage grandson, and will fly home on Saturday. Yesterday, the husband called her and said the dogs are causing him to be depressed, and can he get rid of them, or does she want to say goodbye? She says he has not been the man she married for about 2 years now. He went to a shrink, but lied his way through it. He won’t go to the doctor. He also has diabetes that he won’t properly take care of.
I feel sorry for her. I think what he did is deliberate cruelty to punish her for being gone. She said she is going to tell her doctor, who is in the same practice as the husband’s, to get advice. I told her I think that’s a good idea, and to get help for herself; put herself first. She really babies this guy, and this is the thanks she gets.
What would y’all tell her to help her get through this?
Offer to be there for her - to listen and commiserate (but don't denigrate him because she'll likely stay with him and that could affect your relationship with her) but only offer advice if it's asked for. Really, that's the only thing anyone can do.
If she asks for advice, I would tell her to speak to her husband's doctor directly. The doctor can't reveal anything he knows without hubby's permission, but he can listen to her concerns regarding her husband's depression, and he can let that inform his care of the husband.
I'm 60 and my DH is 65, he has some ongoing serious health issues and so I go to his Dr. appts with him many times. I have a better grasp of medical issues than he does, and he tends to over-react to things he doesn't understand. I actually sit in the exam room with them so that I can ask questions and remember all the things the doctor says. It's fairly common with older folks to do this. I did it with my mom and my MIL because they could not repeat to me what the doctor told them about their conditions or what their meds were for, etc. We have the same primary care doc, and we talk freely about each others care with the doctor since she knows that I sometimes sit in.
If this was my situation I would immediately call my vet and arrange to board the 2 pups. Then I’d phone my DH and tell him to go ahead and take the dogs to the vet for boarding right now. I would apologize to him for us not really thinking through how hard it would be for him to handle 2 puppies while I was away. And I would promise we would board the dogs in the future rather than burdening him with handling them both alone.
Now TBH, inside I would be seething. But there’s no value with arguing or begging. This man cannot, obviously, deal with caring for young, high energy dogs on his own. In my case, I would totally not mention my DH’s statements about giving up the dogs. He obviously needs immediate relief and I would just take his claims to surrender the dogs as drama.
I believe the husband would not be likely to let my friend go to the doctor with him. I hope that, her doctor will suggest she voice her concerns to his doctor privately.
I’ll ask her if she thinks he should board the dogs in her absence.
I don't recommend boarding two 6 month old puppies (it could cause them to regress on housetraining, etc.).
She can boost him up by saying she'll be home in less than three days. Just hold on a little longer. Then when she gets home, they figure out what to do.
I don't recommend boarding two 6 month old puppies (it could cause them to regress on housetraining, etc.).
She can boost him up by saying she'll be home in less than three days. Just hold on a little longer. Then when she gets home, they figure out what to do.
Having been an active part of the canine rescue community for 15 years I can assure you the puppies and the man May have much more serious issues if she doesn’t take action immediately. People beat dogs, make them stay outside, corner them in laundry/garages and give them away to the local shelter when they are overwhelmed. And they do so in the waves of negative emotions they may regret later. The vet, if boarding them, will take them out and even if they have a few accidents at the vet, they will remember training when back home.
I think if my husband did something like that, I would tell him if he goes through with it he can expect to sleep alone for the rest of the marriage, or some such.
Knowing my mental make up, I'm going to tell him there will be hell to pay if he does such a thing.
Tell her to go home and stay with her husband. Let her kids make other arrangements for baby sitting. The husband feels abandoned because he has been. It sounds like he was overwhelmed with taking care of the dogs and being on his own. If she wants to keep the dogs, let her take care of them. If not, give them up. If her husband is depressed there's not much she can do about it. It's up to him.
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