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I’m 41 years old and I have a lot less friends than I once did. It feels like I’ve grown apart with people and haven’t made the effort to keep in touch with others. I’ve been married since 2013, I had two kids quickly and I work full time. Life is just busy. I live in the Boston area and it’s not easy to get around to meet people after work or even on the weekends. Traffic here has become insane. In my free time I can’t say I want to commute an hour to see someone and spend the money for lunch to leave and say ok see you in a few months. For these reasons my friendships have dwindled. I do have a few friends who I wondered why I even became friends with in the first place and maybe they feel the same. One girl turned into a complete basket case and I couldn’t bear talking to her anymore.
I also get really irritated with certain family members. I can’t stand my husbands brothers and brother’s wife. The long and short of that is the sister in law is selfish, uptight, accepted expensive gifts from my husband for her kids and got our kids blatantly cheap stuff. They make plenty money too but it’s made obvious none will be spent on our kids even though my DH went above and beyond for hers. He got the picture and has cut back but they have left a bad taste in my mouth.
My own brother gets under my skin. He’s 37 and has done nothing with his life. He’s been engaged twice, had to go to drug rehab, has never found a career and thinks he’s the bomb. He has never had to be responsible for anything. My parents have done so much for him and continue to bail him out. I don’t even want to be around him because he contributes nothing. My husbands brother is very similar to my own brother. Only difference is he’s very overweight and has no drive to do anything. I mean anything. He doesn’t even have a license.
I could go on but I feel like there are many people in my family I just don’t want to be around. I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend but again finding time to hang out is the issue at this point. I feel like I’m unkind. At work there are a lot of people that I like but I mostly interact with them and then go home. I’ve always been pretty introverted and I guess I’ve accepted that about myself. I am not lonely but I worry that maybe when my kids are older I will be. But then again maybe not. I didn’t get married until I was 35. I learned to do a lot alone as many of my friends were in relationships and had no time for me. I do feel that I’ve been hurt in the past by people and perhaps I’m also jaded to that. I enjoy doing things alone.
My husband and mother think I’m weird that I have no friends. It is what it is. The only time I ever had a big group of girlfriends was in college. I see people putting up pictures of girls nights who are my age or older and I feel like maybe I’m missing out. I just don’t like to go out. Is this so bad?
I struggle with many of the same issues that you do; however I find it helpful to be mindful. What do I mean about being mindful?
Instead of being frustrated with the exchange of cheap be expensive gifts think of it that the kids are who you’re gifting too not your SIL. I’m sure you’ll feel better that you want to give the nieces / nephews something nice which should intrinsically bring you joy. If they give your kids cheap gifts well that is one them.
Seeing what your brother has been through be thankful that he is alive and out of jail. You can feel disappointed in his life choices but they are his and not yours to live with. Maybe try internalizing others less and make the best of yourself instead.
We’re not talking about Romantic Relationships, so maybe this will get moved. I wanted to point a couple of things out though. The expensive gift frustration you mentioned stuck out to me. You have to be able to give freely to actually enjoy giving! Letting your act of kindness be ruined by what you received in return monetarily is not the spirit that will make you feel fulfilled.
The same can be said of making friends. If you’re not open to revealing yourself, or being vulnerable, it’s hard to make anything more than superficial friends at work. I recently developed an “out of work” friendship with a coworker, because I confessed to feeling really stressed lately, I’ve been under a microscope, not getting any of the positive feedback that I’m used to. She seemed relieved that she wasn’t the only one! We gave examples of why we felt like that, ended up exchanging numbers and now have conversations about our lives outside of work as well.
When I had a child at home, we were isolated out in the country, no neighborhood. We both needed more social activities, so I made friends with a mother from work and invited her and her children over for dinner and a movie. It was a great learning experience. We then started doing that more often. There were some things her children did that I could have easily had a negative reaction to, but that’s all part of the “friend” experience, learning to appreciate the good things.
Your tone comes across as a little “judgy” OP. If you don’t really enjoy being around other people, then find solitary activities and accept that you’re not social. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Once your kids are school age you'll have more opportunity to make friends for the simplest easiest reasons. Can be basically just doing the same things as every other parent. Just waving and joking a little in line, at school drop off and pick up, at the same stores picking up the things the kids need for their next event or class project, at the periodic school meetings, cheering on the kids on the sports field, in the gym, making the obligatory pass thru to see their artwork or help out at a grade party. Then there will be the parent meetups where you see many of the same people again...planning for school, jogging/whatever to exercise and relax. You talk with each other whether male or female and get going with life in a family setting.
. I’ve always been pretty introverted and I guess I’ve accepted that about myself. I am not lonely but I worry that maybe when my kids are older I will be. But then again maybe not. I didn’t get married until I was 35. I learned to do a lot alone as many of my friends were in relationships and had no time for me. I do feel that I’ve been hurt in the past by people and perhaps I’m also jaded to that. I enjoy doing things alone.
My husband and mother think I’m weird that I have no friends. It is what it is. The only time I ever had a big group of girlfriends was in college. I see people putting up pictures of girls nights who are my age or older and I feel like maybe I’m missing out. I just don’t like to go out. Is this so bad?
Before we moved to our new state 2 years ago I had a large solid circle of friends and very active social life. I miss them but I just don’t feel compelled to find friends. Hasn’t got anything to do with me feel irritated with anyone. Everyone that knows me is shocked because I’ve always made friends easily BUT I am not lonely and am enjoying a different more quiet time.
If you are happy , don’t feel lonely, and enjoy solitude then no it is not bad.
I was once you. Then the kids grew up and life got much less hectic. Slowly, I found space in my world where friendships just crept in because I was able to spend more time on me. I had time to join an exercise group; my career made me decide to join Toastmasters; I started participating in 10K’s. I joined a dog rescue group... and new people that shared interests with me just folded in..... to everything, there is a season! At this time in your life, do you as you need to be.
However, figure out why you are feeling irritable and some ways to address it. You don’t want your family living with a grouch and you want to be happy!
Oh my god, you're working and you have two kids around 4 and 2 years old, and a spouse, right? First of all, you really don't have time for anything else right now, really. And, if you're happy with your kids and your spouse and your job, you're blessed.
My guess is you've just grown up, basically. Your priorities have changed and you've matured to where you're no longer willing to put up with behavior that's not worth your time or effort. And you're no longer willing to put up with bad behavior or situations that aren't reasonable.
It's a transition period when someone starts to write their own rules for what's acceptable to them - or rather what has become unacceptable to them, and they become ready to enforce some new boundaries.
I hope that is making sense, but I think that might be what's going on with you. It happened to me over time with my family and I ended up cutting them out of my life. I'm not saying you need to go to that extreme, but it's okay to even do that. I think it's okay to give them a chance, though, to respect new boundaries and try to work those out, first.
As to watching girls having girls night out - I will even still have a tiny twinge of jealousy when I know some friends have gone off to a male stripper show or to Las Vegas for a major gambling weekend. But, then I remember that I would have said no if I was asked and would have really hated to go lol.
I think you're just out of that phase, which for me anyway I'm glad to be over.
So, unless you're unhappy at home with your relationship with your spouse, which you didn't mention, I wouldn't worry about the other stuff. I think you're a tired mom who is also reevaluating your priorities and boundaries as you have moved into a new phase of building your own family - and I think that's a-ok.
For people who annoy me, my conversation as well as any activity I do with them is highly structured. For people I get along with, there is still structure but the transitions from one part to another is not so clear cut. Like you, my family comes first but sometimes parents feel most at home in an environment where they are most needed. Therefore, going out with friends where nothing concrete is really accomplished may seem like a waste of time.
You sound extremely miserable. Hope you can fix it.
Well thanks. That was useful advice.
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