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I'm feeling very guilty now. Sorry for the long post.
My ex spends Christmas eve at our house yearly (I see him twice or thrice a year) The tradition in this country (I'm in Asia) is for the whole family to eat at 12 midnight. In the evening, I told him I had fever and if he could come over at 12 am instead of the usual (evening) so I could get some rest. He arrived on time, at past 2 am, I told him he should book a ride going home (local version of uber). He asked me if I can do it for him. I told him, why can't he use his phone, then he told me that he forgot his phone with the app. This really pissed me off.
Just a bit of a background, I broke up with him because of his being irresponsible. He is a good man but he only worked for 2 yrs in his life. We were together from 2005 to 2010 and he kept on promising that he will get a job until I got fed up. He is now 46 and still jobless and living with his parents. His parents give him an allowance and he spends it on expensive audio stuff and travel. I can't have a relationship with him anymore because the way he conducts his life irritates me, little things such as being late, not making reservations for important events, forgetting stuff which to me signals his lack of responsibility.
Going back, I live in an area with no access to public transportation and the only way out is through a cab. He knows this very well but still refuses to drive here (I suspect that he does not have a driver's license anymore). He is insisting that I sign up for the ride app, but I refuse to because it was asking to upload my photo or save my credit card details which I don't want. I don't even use the app for myself, why should I install it for him? He said he would install it in his phone but it was already 3 am and he said it is linking with his Facebook to which he forgot the password I also tried calling the security to the gate in our subdivision to ask them to get a cab for him but there was no answer. My family who are all elders are still up waiting for him to go home. I told my Aunt to get some sleep already because we need to wake up early on Christmas morning. When I asked him, for the nth time, so what will we do now? He stood up and got his things, said goodbye to my family (except for me) and then said he will walk to the main road to get a cab. I told him, I will drive him to the main road but he refused. I felt bad because it was 3 am and I don't know how many cabs will be in the area.
Before going to bed, I sent him a message to inform me when he gets home. He never messaged me and I saw that it was "seen at 7:56 am" Now I feel so horrible, I don't know if he waited from 3 am to 7 am for a cab. I knew he was mad at me but is it really my responsibility on how he gets home? I don't know what else I could have done, should I have just asked him to sleep over or take my Mom's offer to accompany him until he figures out how to go home (I couldn't stay up because my head was killing me)
I don't know if I acted like a btch in this instance and if he is right to get mad at me. There is a side of me thinking, maybe we should not even be friends anymore.
..... I don't know if I acted like a btch in this instance and if he is right to get mad at me. There is a side of me thinking, maybe we should not even be friends anymore.
I don't think you acted like a btch and he has no right to get mad at you. He's a big boy now and knows the score, he should be looking after himself and his essential needs instead of depending on you to carry his load.
If he gets mad at you then he's already not your friend, he's just using you because you have been a friend to him and have been letting him push your boundaries even after you both split up. You need to stop allowing his careless dependency on you and if that means you not being his friend anymore to get the message through to him that he needs to grow up, then that's what you need to do.
I wouldn't tolerate his kind of behaviour from any ex, no matter how much I might still like the person.
I'm feeling very guilty now. Sorry for the long post.
My ex spends Christmas eve at our house yearly (I see him twice or thrice a year) The tradition in this country (I'm in Asia) is for the whole family to eat at 12 midnight. In the evening, I told him I had fever and if he could come over at 12 am instead of the usual (evening) so I could get some rest. He arrived on time, at past 2 am, I told him he should book a ride going home (local version of uber). He asked me if I can do it for him. I told him, why can't he use his phone, then he told me that he forgot his phone with the app. This really pissed me off.
Just a bit of a background, I broke up with him because of his being irresponsible. He is a good man but he only worked for 2 yrs in his life. We were together from 2005 to 2010 and he kept on promising that he will get a job until I got fed up. He is now 46 and still jobless and living with his parents. His parents give him an allowance and he spends it on expensive audio stuff and travel. I can't have a relationship with him anymore because the way he conducts his life irritates me, little things such as being late, not making reservations for important events, forgetting stuff which to me signals his lack of responsibility.
Going back, I live in an area with no access to public transportation and the only way out is through a cab. He knows this very well but still refuses to drive here (I suspect that he does not have a driver's license anymore). He is insisting that I sign up for the ride app, but I refuse to because it was asking to upload my photo or save my credit card details which I don't want. I don't even use the app for myself, why should I install it for him? He said he would install it in his phone but it was already 3 am and he said it is linking with his Facebook to which he forgot the password I also tried calling the security to the gate in our subdivision to ask them to get a cab for him but there was no answer. My family who are all elders are still up waiting for him to go home. I told my Aunt to get some sleep already because we need to wake up early on Christmas morning. When I asked him, for the nth time, so what will we do now? He stood up and got his things, said goodbye to my family (except for me) and then said he will walk to the main road to get a cab. I told him, I will drive him to the main road but he refused. I felt bad because it was 3 am and I don't know how many cabs will be in the area.
Before going to bed, I sent him a message to inform me when he gets home. He never messaged me and I saw that it was "seen at 7:56 am" Now I feel so horrible, I don't know if he waited from 3 am to 7 am for a cab. I knew he was mad at me but is it really my responsibility on how he gets home? I don't know what else I could have done, should I have just asked him to sleep over or take my Mom's offer to accompany him until he figures out how to go home (I couldn't stay up because my head was killing me)
I don't know if I acted like a btch in this instance and if he is right to get mad at me. There is a side of me thinking, maybe we should not even be friends anymore.
You did nothing wrong, and you were more than enough accommodating to this man. You have been broken up for 9 years, why do you still spend Christmas Eve with him coming to your house? I would think your new boyfriends since 2010 would not like your ex coming over for such a big holiday. Also, he is 46 years old and living with his parents, so he could easily spend holidays home with his parents.
He does sounds irresponsible, like you said. Sounds like you made the right decision breaking up with him. You are under no obligation to still remain friends with him though. Please do move on with your life. You are not responsible for this man. Do you feel obligated or guilty for breaking up with him... perhaps this is why you are still in any contact at all with him, 9 years later.
Why in the world does he spend Christmas at your house? Does he have no family of his own?
He only spends 24th evening until after the traditional midnight meal. His family does not celebrate this tradition but he spends the 25th with his family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite
I don't think you acted like a btch and he has no right to get mad at you. He's a big boy now and knows the score, he should be looking after himself and his essential needs instead of depending on you to carry his load.
This is what I've been thinking. He is 46 and he should have been responsible enough to make sure that he is able to get home without any issues. But I still feel guilty thinking of him waiting for a cab on the road at 3 am (he made that decision though to leave my house at that time)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil_fields
You did nothing wrong, and you were more than enough accommodating to this man. You have been broken up for 9 years, why do you still spend Christmas Eve with him coming to your house? I would think your new boyfriends since 2010 would not like your ex coming over for such a big holiday. Also, he is 46 years old and living with his parents, so he could easily spend holidays home with his parents.
He does sounds irresponsible, like you said. Sounds like you made the right decision breaking up with him. You are under no obligation to still remain friends with him though. Please do move on with your life. You are not responsible for this man. Do you feel obligated or guilty for breaking up with him... perhaps this is why you are still in any contact at all with him, 9 years later.
We remain in contact I guess because we are too familiar with each other, I've known him for 15 years and he is someone I can talk to and be familiar with the characters in my life. I also send a box home (here in Asia) from the US yearly and I do him a favor buying the stuff he needs (since it is cheaper in the US such as shoes and audio equipment) so we see each other when he picks it up.
From 2010 to 2019, I've only been in 2 relationships, both of which did not last long enough until xmas season
I don't know a lot of men in their 30s and 40s that are still single so I guess am settling for his company. But whenever we are together I am so impatient because the little things he does irritates me. As an example, on his birthday he invited me to celebrate it with his family. He told me to be at the restaurant by 6 pm. When I got there, the restaurant was full and he made no reservations. I was appalled that he did not make a reservation for 15 people. I made the reservation and they arrived at 7:30 pm Another instance, he owed me some money and when I asked him why he was not able to deposit, he said the line was too long at the bank and he did not want to wait Those are examples of why I am so irritated with him. It's like he really has zero sense of responsibility.
You did nothing wrong. HOWEVER, if you are going to continue to include him in your life, every time you are going to have a shared event with him, pretend he is a 4 year old child and sit down and have a think with yourself. Consider his transport, his money, his garments and any other issues regarding the event. Phone him and ask about all the details in advance. You can make a joke and say you don’t want friction like this past Christmas Eve. “Should I make reservations?” “Do you have transport there and back?” “Who is paying?” .....anything you can think of.
I don’t care what my culture would dictate, no ex of mine is coming over for dinner! This guy is hanging around for what? He is no longer a part of your family. And what are you feeling even the slightest bit of guilt over this? Can he not fend for himself at his age? He’s playing you and your family. Time to put an end to this OP.
I think you should simply cut all ties with this person.
Exactly why, in Gods name, is he even in her life at all???? It makes no sense.
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I also tried calling the security to the gate in our subdivision to ask them to get a cab for him but there was no answer. My family who are all elders are still up waiting for him to go home. I told my Aunt to get some sleep already because we need to wake up early on Christmas morning. When I asked him, for the nth time, so what will we do now? He stood up and got his things, said goodbye to my family (except for me) and then said he will walk to the main road to get a cab. I told him, I will drive him to the main road but he refused. I felt bad because it was 3 am and I don't know how many cabs will be in the area. 
Another instance, he owed me some money and when I asked him why he was not able to deposit, he said the line was too long at the bank and he did not want to wait 
