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I think he feels like he owns me because I have had many opportunities to grow my career due to being in this environment. I cannot lie, he has helped me in many ways, but I always felt like it was for bad reasons. Like it was a long-term investment that could benefit him. He’s said stuff like “I know you’ll make it before me” in the past. Nowadays I feel like he only gets close to me when he needs something, and then fades away in his own world. He is so good that I get caught up in his games every time. He uses kind people because he knows they don’t have the balls to refuse because they feel like they owe him something. Kind of holding people through guilt.
He is such a good manipulator that I still can’t fully refuse helping him even knowing all of this. I understand his strategy is good for “success” as I see many successful individuals with the same strategy. It is simply not how I envision achieving success. I think it’s fake and will only bring you in a lonely, miserable place. At this point, I believe it is part of his personality and there is nothing I can do, because he has always gotten what he wanted through his selfish actions.
If you recognize the problems, there's really nothing preventing you from not allowing yourself to be manipulated. Limit your exposure and interaction, and don't help him or rely on him for help with anything. You can't control him, but you can control your behaviors.
OP, you say you love the other roommates. What if a couple of you got your own apartment? You could then still hang out with the others at their place, but you could limit the time, and you'd still have a friend or two at your own place.
Oh lord, just move. No need for all of the armchair psychoanalysis. Seems that the main struggle is that he does things for you and you like the space. Weigh the pros and cons and go from there.
In my young days, I had roommates several times. I once calculated how much money I saved by having roommates, and it was zero. Because I ended up having to move more often than if I'd lived alone. But I was able to live in a nicer place and a better area by having roommates. So I see why you want to stay.
V couldn't change, even if he wanted to, if his behavior is that bad to you and others. He is the way he is for a reason. He could, at most, change a superficial thing now and then. His basic character won't change, though.
If you dislike him now, you will likely always dislike him. And maybe vice versa?
If I were you, I'd consider moving. But since you want to try staying longer, I'd avoid him to the extent possible. And without it being so obvious that it makes him angry or hurt, which would make things worse. Do you spend a lot of time in a common area, or do you spend most of your time in your bedroom?
What things exactly is he making other people do for him? I don't understand that part. You mean like clean up his mess in the kitchen? Give him a ride to work? What, exactly? Depending on what it is, whether you do his part of the work is all up to you. Why would you do his work for him? You have to agree to do things for him. He's not "making" you.
He may feel like you & the others are ganging up on him, or are talking about him behind his back (which you are). Is it possible that that could be the reason for his anti-social behavior with you guys?
It bears repeating: avoid him or spend less time around him. Spending too much time with someone isn't a good thing, anyway. They start to irritate each other.
I actually feel kind of sorry for him because he has personality issues and probably isn't well liked by most people he knows.
One thing I've learned over the years is that being kind is almost never a mistake, and something that few people regret when looking back on their lives. This guy will not be in your life forever. You are passing ships in the night. Try to be kind to him, while still having a spine & not agreeing to be pushed around. No need to be ugly to him about it. Just say no, not this time, mate. Or...yes, I'll do that, if you do this for me.
Kindness is not the same thing as weakness. Don't confuse the two. In fact, being kind is a form of strength. Someone in a power position exhibits kindness when he's nice, compassionate, or understanding of someone else, when he doesn't have to be. Weakness is being submissive, doing things to curry favor, and saying what someone wants to hear, because he feels he has no choice.
It sounds to me like the main problem is that you are easy to take advantage of. Insecure. Unable to say no. Weak? That's not his problem. That's your problem. And something you need to correct, if you want to stop feeling like people are taking advantage of you.
I don't know why you'd think "I know you'll make it before me" is some sort of implication that that will benefit him. ??? That kind of thinking makes no sense. His statement sounds, to me, like something a guy says to save face. Since you both know you're doing better, the only manly thing he's got is to say he's smart enough to know that. What did you say when he said that? Hint: the thing to say is "That's not true. We'll BOTH make it. You could be first just as easily as I could." He could've been fishing for reassurance.
Don't continually try to psychoanalyze him or try to figure out some ulterior motive in what he says or does. Even psychiatrists have trouble doing that. It doesn't matter, anyway. All that matters as far as you're concerned is behavior.
Imagine how you'd like things to be. Visualize it. Do you see yourself saying no in a clear way but w/o getting people all angry at you? Coming in after work and going to your room, saying hi cheerfully to everyone as you pass? Whatever it is, visualize it. Then behave that way. It's amazing how our own behavior can change the behavior of others.
Don't let people get to you this much. Try to let things roll off your back. If you let people get to you, that gives them power over you. At the end of the day, it shouldn't matter that much how other people are (unless it's your boss). OTOH, if you are convinced the guy is evil and possibly a psychopath, you have to move, since he might kill you.
It’s easy to say, but he sees the weakness in those people. He sees their lack of identity and creates one for them, making them dependent of him. Then he uses this to his advantage. It’s hard for an individual with little life experience to get the introspection needed to break out of this cycle.
Anything worth doing is usually done with skill, so these people are lacking interpersonal skills, intrapersonal skills, and critical thinking skills. When a person lacks these critical skills, they don't realize that is what is needed and it is very difficult to teach people these skills. One reason they don't realize these skills exist is because they have not been modeled to your roomates by somebody competent. That makes it difficult to teach them.
In my young days, I had roommates several times. I once calculated how much money I saved by having roommates, and it was zero. Because I ended up having to move more often than if I'd lived alone. But I was able to live in a nicer place and a better area by having roommates. So I see why you want to stay.
V couldn't change, even if he wanted to, if his behavior is that bad to you and others. He is the way he is for a reason. He could, at most, change a superficial thing now and then. His basic character won't change, though.
If you dislike him now, you will likely always dislike him. And maybe vice versa?
If I were you, I'd consider moving. But since you want to try staying longer, I'd avoid him to the extent possible. And without it being so obvious that it makes him angry or hurt, which would make things worse. Do you spend a lot of time in a common area, or do you spend most of your time in your bedroom?
What things exactly is he making other people do for him? I don't understand that part. You mean like clean up his mess in the kitchen? Give him a ride to work? What, exactly? Depending on what it is, whether you do his part of the work is all up to you. Why would you do his work for him? You have to agree to do things for him. He's not "making" you.
He may feel like you & the others are ganging up on him, or are talking about him behind his back (which you are). Is it possible that that could be the reason for his anti-social behavior with you guys?
It bears repeating: avoid him or spend less time around him. Spending too much time with someone isn't a good thing, anyway. They start to irritate each other.
I actually feel kind of sorry for him because he has personality issues and probably isn't well liked by most people he knows.
One thing I've learned over the years is that being kind is almost never a mistake, and something that few people regret when looking back on their lives. This guy will not be in your life forever. You are passing ships in the night. Try to be kind to him, while still having a spine & not agreeing to be pushed around. No need to be ugly to him about it. Just say no, not this time, mate. Or...yes, I'll do that, if you do this for me.
Kindness is not the same thing as weakness. Don't confuse the two. In fact, being kind is a form of strength. Someone in a power position exhibits kindness when he's nice, compassionate, or understanding of someone else, when he doesn't have to be. Weakness is being submissive, doing things to curry favor, and saying what someone wants to hear, because he feels he has no choice.
It sounds to me like the main problem is that you are easy to take advantage of. Insecure. Unable to say no. Weak? That's not his problem. That's your problem. And something you need to correct, if you want to stop feeling like people are taking advantage of you.
I don't know why you'd think "I know you'll make it before me" is some sort of implication that that will benefit him. ??? That kind of thinking makes no sense. His statement sounds, to me, like something a guy says to save face. Since you both know you're doing better, the only manly thing he's got is to say he's smart enough to know that. What did you say when he said that? Hint: the thing to say is "That's not true. We'll BOTH make it. You could be first just as easily as I could." He could've been fishing for reassurance.
Don't continually try to psychoanalyze him or try to figure out some ulterior motive in what he says or does. Even psychiatrists have trouble doing that. It doesn't matter, anyway. All that matters as far as you're concerned is behavior.
Imagine how you'd like things to be. Visualize it. Do you see yourself saying no in a clear way but w/o getting people all angry at you? Coming in after work and going to your room, saying hi cheerfully to everyone as you pass? Whatever it is, visualize it. Then behave that way. It's amazing how our own behavior can change the behavior of others.
Don't let people get to you this much. Try to let things roll off your back. If you let people get to you, that gives them power over you. At the end of the day, it shouldn't matter that much how other people are (unless it's your boss). OTOH, if you are convinced the guy is evil and possibly a psychopath, you have to move, since he might kill you.
Why do you have 4 roommates? That seems excessive. Is the cost of rent that high where you live? I wouldn't recommend having 4 roommates much past college days.
Why do you have 4 roommates? That seems excessive. Is the cost of rent that high where you live? I wouldn't recommend having 4 roommates much past college days.
Because that's what it takes in most of this country to live, for most people. That is, however a completely different tangent.
The way I see it; either tell the dude you're done with bis b/s or use him as he uses the rest of you fools. You can ignore his desires, or slave away for your own self-benefit, as you already said. Perhaps not all the others are as clueless, maybe somebody(ies) nust keeping the peace as one wod with room mates or nieghbors. Could be the one that left had the self-respect to do so, or by said room mates planning. Either way; control what little you have of your own damn life.
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