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Ok so let me explain, this might not be as clear as it should be.
So I'm 24 and my younger sister is 22. We have a weird family, especially a weird mother.
She's always been very resentful towards me because I've never been what she wanted me to be, and what she wants me to be is "thin" (as she sees it). We've always been in a continual feud since I was about 6 on that subject. She would tell me that no one would ever love me, that people at school must be making fun of me all the time and that I should change so I could be peaceful.
I realise I do not make her sound too good. However, I learned as I grew up that she had self-confidence issues of her own and that was her way to try and get me out of that kind of trouble (didn't work very well as you might have guessed).
Anyway, so when I was about 21 years old, after years and years of emotional abuse from my mum, I entered into a depressive episode that lasted about 2 years (mostly due to my lack of self confidence, thanks to my mum, partially).
At first, I was sad, angry, I would isolate myself even though I used to have a garnished social life and quite a few good friends. All of that led to almost two years of self harm (cutting mostly, but also hitting myself, pulling my hair etc.) For those who've been through that, you'll understand how it feels like a drug, you need it, you even crave it.
My behaviour started to show on my arms, legs, wrists, shoulders etc. All of my closest friends noticed about 2 days after I began. To this day, my parents still haven't noticed (I have stopped that now).
So, the context being said, let's come back to today:
About 6 months ago, my younger sister also fell into depression following a break-up. She started isolating herself, smoking weed all day, she would sleep all the time and stay in her room for days on end. She ended up dropping out of Nurse school.
A week after she started behaving like that, my parents started worrying for her, talking about how sad she was, how she was depressed and needed help and how we (my older sister and I) should be especially kind to her since she was going through a tough period.
I am extremely saddened by the fact that she is going through that, since I know what it is, but I can't help myself being a little jealous about all the attention she gets from my parents, when they would be very mad at me when I was sad / tired / angry due to my depressed state.
I feel so guilty about that but can't do anything about this feeling.
Has anyone ever been through something similar ? Does any of you have advice ? Opinion ?
TL;DR: when I was going through depression, no one in my family cared but now my sister is going through the same thing (kinda) they're all over the place to help her and worry a LOT and I feel jealous about that and guilty about being jealous.
Last edited by lalasagna; 01-23-2020 at 12:45 PM..
Your mom may have narcissistic tendencies, and narcissistic parents do usually have a "favorite." This could explain the "jealousy" you feel, because honestly a child never stops wanting its parent's love and approval.
This woman is an expert on this topic. See if anything she writes sounds familiar to you.
I am very sorry you are going through this. It must be very hurtful. I have no advice for you, but I understand what you are feeling and have great empathy. *hugs.
If you wanted, you could say to your parents, "It's too bad about her break-up, but it's odd that you're so attentive to her unhappiness when you seemed indifferent to mine."
If you wanted, you could say to your parents, "It's too bad about her break-up, but it's odd that you're so attentive to her unhappiness when you seemed indifferent to mine."
I see what you're suggesting but I doubt it would make any difference. It would just raise their hackles. People who behave badly or favor one child over another always feel justified.
The younger girl is the Golden Child and the OP is the Scapegoat. Once you're cast in a role like that, it's futile to get parents to see you differently.
If the OP hasn't moved out yet at 24, she should make that priority #1. And forget about getting any emotional support from her parents.
I see what you're suggesting but I doubt it would make any difference. It would just raise their hackles. People who behave badly or favor one child over another always feel justified.
The younger girl is the Golden Child and the OP is the Scapegoat. Once you're cast in a role like that, it's futile to get parents to see you differently.
If the OP hasn't moved out yet at 24, she should make that priority #1. And forget about getting any emotional support from her parents.
I feel for you. That is a very hard thing to go through. I definitely am hoping you can continue to pull through. The worst part is that this is way too common especially with narcissistic parents as mentioned in the thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
a child never stops wanting its parent's love and approval.
This child did. He severed all ties and has completely started over.
Hope this real life story will inspire you to be strong and get you out of depression. I know two brothers also two years apart in age. The father verbally and physically abused the older one and pampered the younger one when they were kids on a daily basis. He even compared the few hundred dollars difference when the brothers both won scholarships to colleges. Fast forward 10 years later, he would boast to everyone how smart his younger one was and a Director in a company of less than 10 employees including the owner. He never once asked the older son how he was doing, and would make unannounced visits, arriving the same day phoning the latter to pick him up at the airport, etc. On his last unannounced visit, he could not reach the older son by phone, so he phoned his company line. And he was told there were three of them with the same first and last names in three different departments. He promptly told the operator, he wanted to contact the one who was not a manager. That was the first time he learned that the older son was an Engineering Manager with a couple hundred engineers and several thousand technical officers under him.
Moral of the story: be strong, work hard and stop harming yourself. And take care of your diet, eat well.
Yes I understand the jealousy as I have had the same situation in my family.
I try to recognize my feelings and respect them. I've also gone to therapy to talk and get things out. You are probably the daughter that is pretty independent and seems to be able to take care of yourself and your little sister may seem more fragile in your parents eyes. So they see you as stronger and the little sister as weaker. It's almost a compliment but in reality you needed your family too when you were going through things.
Not sure if this helped but I hope you can work everything out in your mind. You are not alone in your feelings.
It's also possible that your parents didn't recognize or understand depression when you were going through it. Maybe they thought it was regular rebellion or something, or even if they did recognize that something was wrong, maybe they didn't know how to respond.
I think your hurt is justified.
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