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Oh I'm sure she knows. Her way of getting attention, she gets out of doing things, etc.
You can only do so much. Use "I" statements so that she doesn't feel attacked. Such as - "I can't help you because the plans got changed last minute." "I wanted to be there for you, but I was not informed that it was now a different way. Sorry, I'm now not available to help you with that."
This is probably the only way she will start to realize that her actions have negative consequences.
With unreliable people, you can't wait until they decide to drop the ball on you. Following up with them is necessary even with the occasional side bar conversations.
That's a good start. I'm thinking along the lines of the assertiveness model, something like "when you don't tell me about major changes in plans until afterward it causes me huge problems"
But even that seems too nice.
What if you just go on the assumption that this person isn't even a factor. Like this person doesn't exist. Don't count this person in plans, don't make accomodations, etc. If and when this person wants to know why this is happening, tell him/her you're tired of being disappointed by this person, and it's easier to go about life not counting on him/her.
What if you just go on the assumption that this person isn't even a factor. Like this person doesn't exist. Don't count this person in plans, don't make accomodations, etc. If and when this person wants to know why this is happening, tell him/her you're tired of being disappointed by this person, and it's easier to go about life not counting on him/her.
That's certainly possible. I don't need this person in my life, so I could simply walk away. But they have something I want, that isn't easily replaceable. I'm just not sure I want it badly enough to put up with their unpredictability/unreliability/inability to keep me informed of important changes that affect my life. Right now I just don't see a way of going forward with them. Trust has been broken and I'm not sure it can be repaired.
I generally don't tell them, I show them. You get one warning, and that's it.
I'm an extremely loyal and courteous friend, I expect the same in return. When you show me you're a flake, or I can't take you at your word- you get demoted from my inner circle and I'll deal with you if and only when I feel like it, or have to.
When a person does not value the significance of their own word, your words will seem just as meaningless to them.
People are playing it of their own volition. I can't stop it. I don't go into specific details on the internet. I will only say that they are a principle player in a very desirable housing situation.
LOL I mean there are only so many choices here. It would make it easier to discuss just saying which.
LOL I mean there are only so many choices here. It would make it easier to discuss just saying which.
Easier for who? This is quite easy for me, and this is about me.
And I don't mean to seem rude about it. Its just that when discussing personal problems online my policy is to not be too specific. I give enough information to get useful feedback, and I've received a lot of useful feedback on this thread.
Last edited by Deserterer; 02-03-2020 at 11:13 AM..
It is
How about, 'I can't trust you because you either provide me with misinformation, change your mind at the last minute, or aren't completely honest about what your plans are.'
something like "when you don't tell me about major changes in plans until afterward it causes me huge problems"
But even that seems too nice.
OP, you asked for non-offensive suggestions. This is non-offensive and quite frankly, you just gave yourself the best suggestion.
You don't want to accuse them like what other replies are saying with suggesting "I can't trust you" and "I can't rely on you." This is very offensive and judgmental and the unreliable person will only get angry and defend themselves.
Do you think you should have told me ahead of time about these last minute changes ? If they say no, ask why.
Do you think your last minute changes don't have an impact on me ? If they say no, ask why.
This is putting them on the spot and offensive.
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