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Something is very wrong. My best friend from college went "off the grid" communication-wise for a few years. She resurfaced after the miserable divorce from the miserable controlling abusive spouse.
Some people, when they get very bad medical news, go off the grid too. Too painful to relate it all to their friends.
My wife is ill, and a few years ago we had a short period during which we got several pieces of very unwelcome news in a relatively short period of time. It caused us to completely reconsider every plan we'd made for the future, re-evaluate our options, and get used to having to make a whole new set of plans that reflected a reality that we'd never even imagined before. For a period of about a year and a half, maybe closer to two years, I basically dropped off the face of the Earth to everyone I knew.
I would get phone messages, texts, facebook messages, the whole works, and never replied to any of them. I just didn't know what to say to anyone, about anything at all - I had no firm grasp of what was happening in my life, no sense that I knew what I thought about anything... most of the things people wanted to talk about just didn't register at all, because my mind was totally focused on the disruption in our lives. And I didn't even know how to tell anyone that, because my mind just wasn't there, so I didn't even bother trying. I still went to work every day, still chatted with the cashiers in stores, still sent out christmas cards and birthday cards, but was unable to really connect with anyone on anything but a very superficial level. It felt as though every single thing I'd always thought I knew, I didn't really feel confident that I actually knew it anymore.
About a year ago, I started feeling better about where our life is going, and began to reconnect with old friends. They all understood, and most of them are fine again now, but some never really got back to where we had once been. And I doubt we ever will. And that's fine; I get it. Relationships that are left in storage are often pretty hard to fully breathe life back into. No hard feelings.
And, some of the old friends - well, they're just gone. Oh, it's nice to hear you're OK after all, take care. And, i get that too.
I'm not saying that's what happened with your friend, because how could I know? But it might be that, or some similar major life thing. And if it is, all you can do is wait and see if he comes out of it and tries to reconnect someday. You might want to drop him a line and say something like, "I always valued your friendship, and hope we can someday be back in touch - but I understand that for whatever reasons, it doesn't seem to be something that fits your life at the moment. I want you to know that I'm sure you have your reasons, and there are no hard feelings, but if the time ever comes that you'd like to reconnect, I'd love to hear from you. I hope you and your family are well, and I'll be thinking of you - and if there's anything you need that I can do, I'm here for you. Best wishes... "
And that's it. It's all you can do. If you keep throwing messages at a brick wall, all you're going to get is tennis elbow. Just move on and hope you hear back someday. Maybe a christmas card every year, just to let him know you're still there.
One of my best friends was originally a coworker where I lived at the time in Indianapolis. At that point, we obviously saw each other every day. We worked together for about two years, then I found another job, and about six months after that, left that city to go back to my hometown. This was back between 2014-2016. He seemed a little ticked when I left the job and then left a town in a hurry, but I was likely to be fired and financially up against it. I didn't have much time or money. At that point, we were close enough to have keys to each other's house. He had me get a nearly $10,000 engagement ring from a jeweler before he proposed so his fiance wouldn't find it. Close stuff.
I went back to Indianapolis from Tennessee (420 miles) probably four to five times a year the first two years I was back here. I did a long weekend for his wedding back in 2017. I think I did my best coming up there to try and keep the friendship going. Nothing seemed "off" until back in 2019.
Keep in mind this is a guy that was on Facebook often and you could almost always hit him up on Messenger. His last Facebook post that he posted was a picture of him and his late father back in August. His wife and a few other people tagged him in a few things here or there.
I normally come up for a few Colts or Pacers games. No response on Messenger. The messages are delivered but never read. I've called - straight to VM. Texted - iMessages shows as delivered, but never a reply. Wife never responded.
A mutual friend and former colleague of ours was wanting to host a get-together at his farm south of Indy in a few weeks and tonight asked if I heard from Matt because he couldn't get a hold of him. That's what brought it back in my mind. I haven't and none of our mutual friends have.
I'm just befuddled. He's gone from daily Facebook posts a few years to tapering off to nothing. No kids that I know of. Wife has a big job, but no one ever responds.
I think the only question I have is why don't you just get on with your life.
Usually the problems are marital or illness. I have had a number of friends (not close friends) stop communicating due to those reasons. Mostly they reappeared down the line but indicated their lives were just too painful at the time.
One friend was out of communication with everyone for over a year after the death of her child. Just did not have the energy to cope with anything besides existing one day at a time.
The other issue is money but it doesn’t sound like this case. The fact that he is not communicating with any friends seems really weird. Strange that nobody is in contact or knows anything about the situation.
I once had a co-worker that I was really close to. I left that job, moved away out of state, and tried to maintain the friendship. As time went on, the person I used to see daily and chat with over messenger became a stranger. When I'd visit his city and try to get together, he and his wife were distant to us. Eventually, it got to the point where while visiting his city one day, his response to me asking if he wanted to get together was "no, I'm busy."
We never talked again.
Sure, it hurt but it is what it is. Some friendships last a lifetime and others last a season.
Just let it go and move on. It's hard and it hurts but it's the universe trying to tell you to move on.
Some people, when they get very bad medical news, go off the grid too. Too painful to relate it all to their friends.
I always figured that must have been what happened with one of the teachers from the preschool/daycare center which my daughter attended. It's been a few years though, so I just remember that "Teacher Lois" apparently sent out a text asking people not to call/text/stop by her house, and not to ask questions, that she would let people know what was going on when she was ready.
I don't know if "Teacher Lois" ever did eventually let people know what was going on.....at least, I never heard about it.
You've gotten a lot of good feedback here. I speculate the death of his father has made him withdraw. Will his withdrawal be permanent? No one can say.
A longtime friend of mine lost one of her parents last year. We're both married with kids so we cannot meet the way we did when we were kids, but we always kept in touch (birthdays, holidays, etc). With that tragic event, it's nearly impossible to get a hold of her even if it's to say Merry Christmas. I decided to back off and give her all the space and time she needs.
Some posters are saying his wife is behind your friend's silence and absence. It may be true. I have a friend (let's call him "G") whom I once thought as somebody I'd be hanging out with into old age. We go way, WAY back. But "G" began to gradually pull away after his wedding, which was a little over 9 years ago. The first "alert" was when he texted me and asked me never to call him on his landline at home on weekdays/weeknights unless it was important. The last time we hung out alone, EVER, was in 2012: I took him out for my birthday and "G" took me out for his. That was also his first year as a dad.
After then, "G" and I never again met one-on-one.
I've spent a lot of energy thinking and wondering why he vanished. "G" does not live terribly far away; we could easily meet if we both wanted to. And there's the catch: "If we both." In any social relationship, if both parties are not intentional, the relationship's days will be numbered.
He did attend my wedding (with his wife) and I was very grateful they came. A few months after, I emailed many of the men who came to my wedding for a guys' get-together. Half of the men attended, which included several married men with children. "G" was the only man who did not RSVP to the event. And not too long after, I tried one final time to touch base with him. We had one phone call which lasted nearly 1 hour. We made plans to meet. "G" did not follow through.
I gave up.
"G" had always been lacking in proactivity and initiative; his wife was the opposite, and I have long suspected she runs the household and possibly limits his social time. I speculate "G's" wife kicked his ass into not being lazy. Now, many years later, with them having children, I understand "G" will be tired and have limited time. But I have married friends with kids with whom my friendships did not change even after they married and became fathers.
It's what I said above: "if we both" want it. If one doesn't, the other will have no choice but to walk away.
None of the other guy friends I have, many of whom are friendships I made within the past 10 to 15 years, were ever this difficult to get a hold of. It got to a point after that those 2 dinners in 2012 that I had to text him to ask "G" if he had time for a phone call. I then realized the situation was ludicrous - I didn't need to beg for anybody's friendship.
I have no idea is "M" is being like "G," but if "M" simply will not respond, you too may have no other choice but to walk away.
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Don't listen to ramenaddict
Depression? Off balance?
