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I have been friends with this woman for about 5 years. As I've come to know her, I'm seeing I don't want to continue the friendship. I don't understand, or respect many of her decisions. We had a falling out about 10 months ago. We each said our piece and tried to move on. We even revisited this issue a couple of months ago, but I just don't have the interest.
The fact is, I don't really enjoy her company. I value being able to talk freely about our lives, not just surface stuff. She is full of questions for me, but is very uncomfortable communicating. If I ask her a question, she can't just answer; she pauses and fashions an answer. She mostly just asks me questions. She collects lot's of friends, but doesn't have any close friends but me. If I've been slow to respond to her texts, she'll say 'are you ok?'. I know some of the things that bother me about her, are things that I see in myself that I don't like. I find myself trying to avoid being around her.
I live alone, no kids, family not very close. So, I need my friends. Even so, I don't want to be a close friend. She says our friendships is forever, because, in the past I have said I fear being alone in my old age. During COVID, and my not being at work since the end of October (surgery and recovery) I'm making a life for myself; and want to be around people who I can talk WITH.
Anyway, it might be cowardly, but I think I'll continue to not answer her texts. I feel quilty about it, but I just don't want to continue a daily check-in type relationship.
It is cowardly of you not to answer. You give her one answer- you choose- e-mail, phone or text, and you tell her what you're telling us. You tell her this is your final text and that you expect no answer from this. Block contact if you must.
You need to close this. Otherwise, 5 years of friendship gives her valid reasons for her to keep communicating with you because you are inappropriately hiding in your shell and not being honest with her.
You need thank her for the time for your friendship, but that it's no longer working because her being able to communicate openly with you has become more important for you and it just isn't there.
She sounds like she can be a good close friend to have if you want to make it work. Part of being a close friend with anyone and just being a good human being is to be honest when you need to be. This is one of those times where you need to be VERY honest. You don't back away from 5 years of friendship without an explanation, even if it's a poor, Sh**** one. Also, you don't complain to her about having no friends because you are the one making this choice. You'll just have to find others you gel with more. If she mentions this, just say this is a problem you have to figure out yourself.
I think you should stop answering her questions, since she doesn't reciprocate with self-disclosure! She could use your personal info against you in the future. This is not a good sign, that the exchange of personal info is so one-sided. This, to me, is a red flag, possibly indicative of a manipulative personality. She's pumping you for info, while being cagey and guarded about her own. Wow! IMO you need to back off, at the very least, if not end the "friendship" altogether. You've been open and vulnerable with her, while she hasn't done the same. That's a risky position for you to be in.
I'm not sure I would give her a straight reason for ending the friendship; she could try to argue with that. You could say, you've recently gotten busy with some new projects through online groups or something, and don't have time for visiting. Or you're helping a relative with health issues. Anything.
Those are my initial thoughts. Being forthright can work with some people, but others use that as a basis to argue back and manipulate you into acquiescing. You'll have to make that call yourself, OP.
You say "she pauses and fashions an answer". Some people like to think about what they want to say, before verbalizing. Some people talk off the top of their heads, and don't pause at all.
I think you should stop answering her questions, since she doesn't reciprocate with self-disclosure! She could use your personal info against you in the future. This is not a good sign, that the exchange of personal info is so one-sided. This, to me, is a red flag, possibly indicative of a manipulative personality. She's pumping you for info, while being cagey and guarded about her own. Wow! IMO you need to back off, at the very least, if not end the "friendship" altogether. You've been open and vulnerable with her, while she hasn't done the same. That's a risky position for you to be in.
I'm not sure I would give her a straight reason for ending the friendship; she could try to argue with that. You could say, you've recently gotten busy with some new projects through online groups or something, and don't have time for visiting. Or you're helping a relative with health issues. Anything.
Those are my initial thoughts. Being forthright can work with some people, but others use that as a basis to argue back and manipulate you into acquiescing. You'll have to make that call yourself, OP.
I disagree that it is a red flag. I had a friendship similar to the one the OP mentioned, except I was the other party. I did not disclose stuff to that friend because he was often not fully truthful and was also super judgmental. There is sometimes a good reason why a person is guarded. That said, I told this friend about my misgivings on multiple occasions throughout the friendship (7 years in our case). I am not sure it ever improved. There were times when he had some somewhat TMI sharing, but it was not like I solicited that info. On other occasions, he hid pretty critical information or altered the truth. We agreed to part ways last year. It has mostly been a relief.
You say "she pauses and fashions an answer". Some people like to think about what they want to say, before verbalizing. Some people talk off the top of their heads, and don't pause at all.
I guess there can be extremes to both.
I also saw that as a potential red flag, taken in the context of the OP's overall description. While you're right; there could be a legitimate reason for her to take her time crafting an answer to personal questions, I'm wondering if it's a sign, that the friend needs time to self-edit her stories, to keep as much information private as possible.
I'm a sassy person. A lot of times, the first thought that pops in my head is often something sassy, or smart-aleck. Of course, responding in such a way isn't always conducive to daily interactions, and I know this. Therefore, for ME I often have a smart ass comment pop up, and then have to think of a more...hmmm...sedate answer.
There are a handful of people I can be my true sassy self with...but a lot of people, where I cannot.
...... Anyway, it might be cowardly, but I think I'll continue to not answer her texts. I feel quilty about it, but I just don't want to continue a daily check-in type relationship.
Thank you so much for reading, what do you think?
Yes, it is cowardly - and being very thoughtless of the potential consequences - to not let her know that you are discontinuing the association. If she is the type of emotionally insecure person that needs daily check-ins with friends then that means she is clingy and dependent, so she could work herself up into a really sick tizzy worrying that something terrible has happened to you if she doesn't hear from you. She might call the police to do a wellness check on you, or come by your home herself to shout and pound on your door and make a public scene in order to make sure you aren't lying dead on the floor.
So since you are the one who allowed the relationship to progress to this point it's your responsibility to confront your own cowardice, put a proper end to the situation and put her out of her misery, do not leave her hanging wondering if you're alive or dead. If you are leaving her hanging then that is cruelty, you are punishing her. Is that your intention? Probably not.
Just send her a final communication and tell her that you've decided that the relationship is no longer working for you, it's time that you each go your separate ways and you will no longer be having any communication with her after this final notification. Period. That's all you have to say, no other explanations are required. And then you follow through on that declaration.
It will likely hurt her feelings for awhile, wondering what went wrong, but at least she will know the lack of communication on your part is intentional and not because you're lying dead somewhere.
Thank you for your input; I do value your perspectives. It's not that I dislike her; I just don't want to continue the relationship. She's nice, but I'm pretty sure she has some mental health issues. I don't worry about her collecting info from me to use it in any way; it's more that it seems to me a one-sided friendship. She can't just be open; there's a facade there. I'd be fine just being acquaintances. She would not come over or call the police, she would not be worried sick, just concerned and curious about my backing away. I admit, I have let this go on too long.
You know better than any of us if this facade is purely her being socially anxious and overly paranoid, or if it's creating a weapon in case something bad happens, or a bit of both. It could be either. Based on your posts, I'd say it's the first. If it's the first, it's not an intentional facade, but rather a product of her past experiences or behavior.
Definitely don't fault her. It sounds like you know she won't let go, so you have to give her a final explanation and close off all contact.
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