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It's not that you owe your parents forgiveness - you don't - but you sound abusive toward your wife and child, not to mention totally disrespectful toward your wife ("I wasn't capable of love until my daughter"). What do you want to model for your child? Right now, you are modeling a kind of resentful, scared, hateful point of view that is likely to result in issues later on. You have the trappings of adulthood, the family, the house, the job, but you come across like a teenager.
Yeah, I caught the same thing. A few have commented re: OP’s ‘right’ to be full of rage, but the bottom line is he does not have a right to treat his wife or parents (and their new spouses) abusively; that said, he certainly has the right to stop contact with anyone he so chooses. If this is how he comes across, he may find others want to cut contact with him anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by letsgobrandon84
But as a son of my mother and father, I get full of rage at even the thought of accepting this new person into my life.
Why do you think it necessary (or that they would care if) their relationship has your stamp of approval? It appears as though it’s a narcissistic tactic of control and manipulation in order to get attention. In other words, if you don’t like the guy your mom is marrying, what difference does it make? You don’t control your parents’ lives; you need to focus on controlling your own - particularly if you have a kid on the way.
Yes I can see you were very badly affected by your childhood with warring parents.
They have moved on with their lives and expect you have too but you haven't because you don't know how to let go of it. That seething anger you have is going to come out when you don't want it to. Giving it any more time unresolved and you will destroy your little girl and your nice little innocent family too. For your love of those precious lives you are responsible to protect, commit to therapy and work very very hard at it. Only you can change your future. You need not hand down this generational dysfunction to your children and visit it upon your wife.
I too am bitter about my parents. I can empathize.
If you haven't made peace with your parents by the time they die, you'll never forgive yourself. This is true no matter what other conditions might prevail.
Now, under the condition that your parents' new significant others are positive influences upon them, be thankful they fill emptiness in their lives so that you don't have to. This way you don't have to feel guilty over not spending enough time with them yourself.
I'm not gonna preach, but if you've already estranged yourself over this, then you have nothing to lose by making peace with all involved, and then just staying away....net result is the same except you won't look like the bad guy.
You don't have to kiss anyone's fanny, but you don't have to be a jerk either.
I don’t get it, does this mean you want to keep your parents in your life? You said you were mad and didn’t want to deal with them, but feel guilt. Then you go on about your kid and its gonna be the 3 of you only in life henceforth.
Sounds a lot like an enmeshed bubble where there are strange ideas about “ loyalty” the outside world as dangerous, untrustworthy. No freakin’. Outsiders. A lot of immigrants raise their kids like this. It’s a little world where you speak your own language, watch your shows, only accept members of the tribe that were vetted. Outsiders will be the ruination.
It’s like the family told you to stay loyal no matter what violence they committed. It is unrealistic to be in abuse for 25 years and not be in ptsd, which it seems he has, he is vigilant, checking doors and windows, fearful of outsiders. Op you need to get some help, even join some groups dealing with dysfunctional families, just try to heal from this. Maybe you need a diagnosis to shed some light on your state of mind.
You are an adult. You don't owe your mom or dad anything after what they put you through. I believe you are rightly angry at them but buried it to continue having parents.
Why should you let bygones be bygones right this minute. Maybe later when you have regained a sense of self and comfort in the world. You have your own family to focus on, this is the time. But you aren't well. Youre like a veteran coming back from war, people cannot just gloss over. Carpet over and act like eveything is now great?
Even the body hasn't forgotten trauma.
You picked your wife because your parents said to? More loyalty to the group manipulation. I hope you truly have grown to respect and love her.
Quote:
If you grew up in an enmeshed family, these common signs of enmeshment will be familiar to you.
Theres a lack of emotional and physical boundaries.
You don't think about what’s best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others.
You feel responsible for other people’s happiness and wellbeing. Youre guilted or shamed if you want less contact (don’t talk to your mother every week or want to spend a holiday without your parents)or you make a choice thats good for you (such as move across the country for a great job opportunity).
Your parents self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments.
Your parents want to know everything about your life.
Your parents lives center around yours.
Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas about what you should be doing.
Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, confused roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information.
You feel like you have to meet your parents expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve.
You try to avoid conflicts and don't know how to say no.
You don't have a strong sense of who you are.
You absorb other peoples feelings feel like you need to fix other people’s problems.
What causes enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a dysfunctional family dynamic that is passed through the generations.We tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they're familiar. Enmeshment usually originates due to some sort of trauma or illness (addiction, mental illness, a seriously ill child who is overprotected).
Children need to individuate from their parents
In order to become a mature and emotionally healthy adult, you have to individuate and become independent from your parents. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. Individuation is the process of becoming an individual, not just an extension of your parents.
The process of normal individuation is obvious in adolescents. This is the time when we typically start spending more time with friends. We experiment with our own style and appearance. We recognize that we don't have to believe the same things our parents believe. We gain clarity about our values, beliefs, and interests and are able to express them and act on them. We make more decisions for ourselves. In other words, we start to figure out who we are as unique individuals and look to the outside world for greater opportunities.
In enmeshed families, individuation is limited. You're likely to get stuck in an emotionally dependent, child-like state. This creates a strange juxtaposition of being undifferentiated and emotionally immature yet also parentified (treated like a friend or surrogate spouse).
Enmeshment is confusing Enmeshment can be confused with healthy closeness, especially if it’s all you've known.
Enmeshment creates an emotional bond, a dependence, and intimate connection among family members. But it’s not a healthy dependence or connection. It’s based on using people to meet your emotional needs and not allowing them to become fully themselves. Adults shouldn't use their children (or others) to make themselves feel valued and safe.
I think you should get a divorce and give up all rights to the baby. I see a terrible life for your wife and daughter. I'm kind of surprised your mother wants you to come over.
You're acting like you are 12 with no intention of ever growing up. Please don't ruin the life of your wife and child.
it sounds to me like what he is upset about is the hell that was his childhood growing up.
and he has every right to feel that way.
.
So he's going to bring his own child up in a different kind of hell. Lock her away from the world, he claims. Probably already built his secret room in the basement. lol.
Last edited by catsmom21; 11-29-2022 at 04:54 AM..
Was there addiction in your family op, and do you have any of those tendencies to deal with stress- alcohol, etc. When people witness violence especially over an extended period, it’s not unusual to respond in kind and continue that cycle. Something to think about.
Can you identify what it is exactly that bothers you about it?
It sounds like you don't WANT them to be happy.
At any rate, having a "little gem" is a great excuse to get out of social events; just say "little gem" is sick and you don't want to spread it around!
The OP is allowed to feel however he wants about his parents. He is well within his rights to hold them at arm's length, go low contact, whatever is needed for the health of his family. I say this as someone who has very limited contact with my parents (and has gone years with no contact for my own health and sanity). My brother really limits our parents' interaction with his children and they are carefully monitored. My criticisms aren't all rooted in how the OP addresses his parents, but the manner in which he does it. It needs to come from a place of healing and growth, not a place of anger, *especially* when children are involved.
The OP is obligated to improve himself for his daughter because it's obvious that many of us see the cycle of dysfunction continuing. His parents likely were the way they were because they didn't seek help to break the cycle. Now it's so fully entrenched in this generation that the OP can't even see how his actions are going to negatively impact his daughter, his wife, and, ultimately, his entire life.
Last edited by charolastra00; 11-29-2022 at 08:58 AM..
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