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Help me say: “No,” in a nice, polite way without lying.
Situation: I am very involved with my church. I am the (volunteer) music director, am on the worship committee and at least one other committee. This year, I also agreed to serve on the finance committee because the people who were on it (including two good friends of mine) were totally burned out and looking for more help. I was asked and said “Sure,” because I am a smart, capable person and want to help out my friends. There were two other people on the committee besides me, the treasurer (newbie who is still learning the ropes). These two other people were also supposed to infuse fresh blood into this committee have already quit. So, it’s just me, my two friends who are burned out and the newbie treasurer they are helping out.
But here’s the thing: It’s gradually dawning on me that I (mostly) HATE being on this committee. I do many things during my week and it’s literally the worst thing I do. I do not mind the actual tasks I am given to do. I like doing those. It’s the horrible meetings. So incredibly mind-numbing.
Example: “So, this past week we have a $20 reimbursement request for Manila envelops.” “Who requested the reimbursement? The minister or the religious education director?” “Well, it was the minister, but I heard the religious education director might use them too, so maybe we should split the cost and draw $10 from the minister’s line item and $10 from the RE directors.” “But don’t we already have envelops?” “Um, what line numbers are these?” (Some chitchat about supplies and envelops.) Ok, next item. We paid $100 to the landscapers. What’s this line item? Do we file this under maintenance or ???”… etc. “That reminds me, they keep forgetting to trim the hedge.” “Oh, we got an ad for another landscaping compsny this week. Should we switch companies? (Discussion ensues ….)” Ok, here is a reimbursement request for styrofoam cups. So, this is Hospitality, right ?” “Oh, that reminds me that I have a stack of styrofoam cups I could donate …”
And on and on for an hour, before moving on to other such important issues as who is going to call the electric company and ask them to stop sending us paper bills (we already are on automatic bill pay, but we get paper bills too). Just an endless stream of boring minutia. I really have no interest in all this. So I mainly just sit there feeling incredibly bored on Zoom. Unfortunately, there are only 4 people in the meeting so I can’t even really get away with turning off my video. So, I usually zone out or try to do other work on the side. Then, every once in a while, someone wants to get my opinion on some little thing and I have to somehow figure out what everyone has been talking about. Eventually, they get around to the two or three little tasks I am currently doing for them and I say: “No problems! Got it all done.” Then it’s on to more endless blather while my life is slowly ebbing from my body.
I wound up finding an excuse to leave last week’s meeting after about an hour. Right before we left, we agreed on another meeting next week. But lo, this afternoon, I get a text from one of the members about another meeting tomorrow (in addition to the one next week — apparently they made this other meeting after I had left) and wanting to know if I am “free” tomorrow afternoon.
Ok, so here’s the deal. Yes, I am technically “free,” as in I don’t have any other appointments scheduled for that exact time slot and I am retired, so I don’t have work work, but you know I already had my heart set on just having that afternoon free — like to work on my own projects or just to relax or just not to have yet another incredibly boring and pointless (for me) meeting.
I said that I was technically free, but that I had a lot of other projects I was working on and would only be interested in coming if I had a role to play in the meeting (I mean other than bored spectator.) I said that I might come, but I also might leave early.
Really, I just don’t want to go at all to this meeting that just got plopped on my calendar and I also don’t know how to deal with the standard meetings without offending people or seeming narcissistic. Ideally, I’d just like to go for the small part of the meeting that deal with my small responsibilities and then just skip the rest of the meeting and just let them talk amongst themselves. However, I think they think I am there to “learn things,” so I can be more involved in the future. But I don’t learn things this way, by simply watch other people doing stuff. I learn by doing it myself … when I need to do it. Besides, I usually feel a little lost in their accounting system, but don’t want to keep asking for clarification, because I don’t want to eventually get good at their accounting system because as sure as water is wet, if I actually learn their system, guess who is going to get stuck doing the accounting stuff …
TL;DNR: Feeling stuck on super boring volunteer committee. Don’t want to leave completely (and leave my friends in the lurch), but looking for some way of saying No to my attending the entirely of long, boring meetings to which I have nothing to contribute while also not being sucked into huge responsibilities, like learning theur accounting system
I think you should nicely say that you now have a commitment in the time slot of the meeting. You don't have to elaborate.
Then after skipping the meeting, you should consider dropping out of this volunteer position that's clearly making you miserable. If they need time to replace you, you can give a one month notice. If you need a reason to make you feel better, you can be honest and say that you've realized it's not the right fit for you.
I think you should nicely say that you now have a commitment in the time slot of the meeting. You don't have to elaborate.
Then after skipping the meeting, you should consider dropping out of this volunteer position that's clearly making you miserable. If they need time to replace you, you can give a one month notice. If you need a reason to make you feel better, you can be honest and say that you've realized it's not the right fit for you.
When they ask if you're free, you don't have to tell the truth. (Yes, I know, it's sort of a lie, and this is church, but.) I've had to learn that. You're not free... even if what you want to do isn't structured or "important." You have plans.
Especially since it's not like this is your grandma asking you to take her to chemo. This is a group that already has regular meetings and wants to have another one. You're not shirking any duties here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jill_Schramm
Yes, “not a good fit.” those are good words
Not a good fit, you've realized you're overextended, you have other commitments you need to focus on, etc.
When they ask if you're free, you don't have to tell the truth. (Yes, I know, it's sort of a lie, and this is church, but.) I've had to learn that. You're not free... even if what you want to do isn't structured or "important." You have plans.
Especially since it's not like this is your grandma asking you to take her to chemo. This is a group that already has regular meetings and wants to have another one. You're not shirking any duties here.
Not a good fit, you've realized you're overextended, you have other commitments you need to focus on, etc.
Yeah, I looked back at what I wrote to them and think I actually handled it pretty well. I just felt particularly irked today because: 1j) they made the meeting when I wasn’t there, then 2) didn’t tell me about it until the last minute (I consider the day before the last minute) and then 3) expect me to (want to?) show up, 4) did this when I finished a huge music-related project for the church just yesterday (our annual concert) and had been looking forward to decompressing for at least a few days.
So, that’s why I am feeling just so resentful of this particular meeting.
Anyway, I took the time to do a little googling (searched for “stuck in boring meeting”) and found quite a few good suggestions.
When they ask if you're free, you don't have to tell the truth. (Yes, I know, it's sort of a lie, and this is church, but.) I've had to learn that. You're not free... even if what you want to do isn't structured or "important." You have plans.
Especially since it's not like this is your grandma asking you to take her to chemo. This is a group that already has regular meetings and wants to have another one. You're not shirking any duties here.
Not a good fit, you've realized you're overextended, you have other commitments you need to focus on, etc.
I think "over extended " is a really good and truthful answer.
When you think about quitting something, think about why you started;
You wanted to do some good for the community and for your friends.
For the "extra meeting" - I agree, just tell them you're not available and to proceed without you. No explanation is required.
I hear you about these long winded discussions about "envelopes". How about if you suggest that these meetings be trimmed down (to let's say 45 minutes). An agenda with all items for discussion should go out before the meeting and potentially responses / answers can be offered before the meeting even starts. I too am bored during zoom meetings where the topics are minutia and the amounts are smaller than the cost of everyone's time.
I'd have to think that there are others who are bothered by these small items and the amount of time it takes.
You said you didn't mind doing the tasks they gave you but that you don't want to do the meetings. Could you tell them that if they give you a list of things to do that you will handle it, but that you have discovered that you don't have time to do the meetings?
Definitely stay away from learning how their accounting system works or it will be yours for life.
You said you didn't mind doing the tasks they gave you but that you don't want to do the meetings. Could you tell them that if they give you a list of things to do that you will handle it, but that you have discovered that you don't have time to do the meetings?
Definitely stay away from learning how their accounting system works or it will be yours for life.
I think this is a good idea. Submit a report to whomever is in charge of the meeting with your items to be read by them at the meeting.
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