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Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,445 posts, read 25,978,821 times
Reputation: 59788
"$5.37 !"
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and
two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to
head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid, with the Elmo hairdo, said the hardest
thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to, and I then heard the
sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child ! Senior citizen ? Noooooooooo way !
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering
what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind ?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old ? Me ?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside.
I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in
front of me, like I could be that easily distracted by some trinket !
What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind !
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly !
It could happen to anyone !"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?!
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, .....
only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss,... I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
In the Ozarks a junction small store was having a special sale on Raison bread.
Inside a petite young girl wearing a scimpy short skirt was behind the counter.
There was a line of people waiting to be served.
First man inline says he wants one loaf of Risen bread.
Bread is on the top shelf so the girl gets the ladder..
climbs to the top for the bread...turns around looking at the next man in line and asks if he also wanted one loaf of Risen bread he replied..
" No Missy'.
She climbs down and finished the bread sale.
Then she asks the 2 nd man what he wanted...answer was two loads of Rison bread.
Again she climbs the ladder to the top, turns around looking down on a old geezer who had a wide grin on his face and asks..."Is yours a Rison too"?
He answers " No Missy, but it is a sure TINGGLING".
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