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Two old mates were away on a fishing trip in a remote part of the country. Unfortunately one of them dropped dead so his mate loaded him the truck and drove two days to the nearest town.
He called at the police station to report the death and the Sergeant said, "He must be very smelly by now."
The mate replied, "He don't smell too bad, I've already gutted him!"
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,449,716 times
Reputation: 4611
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time
and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were..
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
A doctor tells his patient, "I"ve got good news and bad news. The good news, You've got 24 hours to live". "Thats good news? What's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday".
Dave decided to take Mabel to the Snake Gully Cafe for lunch.
Dave looked at the menu and said, "They serve sheep tongues here Mabel. I think I'll have that, what about you?"
Mabel said, "No Dave, I couldn't eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth."
"What would you like then Mabel?' asked Dave.
"I think I'll have an egg." said Mabel.
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