Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Two men discussing the one guy's divorce and he says, "You never really know a woman until you meet her in court. She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook."
A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."
The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and lovingly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother or sister." The little boy replied, "Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.
A Reverend stops by the house of Lila Jane to see how she is doing.
Reverend: "Whats going on Lila Jane...have not seen you at the Church meetins?"
Lila Jane: "I've been busy Reverend with the boys coming over to listen to the music and talk to the Lord"
Reverend: "Music and talk to the Lord?"
Lila Jane: "Thats right Reverend...music and talkin to the Lord".
Reverend: "And where is this music coming from cause you ain't got no electeecity here"
Lila Jane: "They put their ear down between my breasts and listen to the music and talk to the Lord"
Reverend: "I'd like to hear that music and talk to the Lord if you let me"
Lila Jane: "Here...place your ear between my breasts".
Reverend: Places his ear between her breasts and says "I don't hear any music"
Lila Jane: "Let me unbutton my blouse and let my breast fall out so you can try again"
Reverend: "I still don't hear any music Lila Jane"
Lila Jane: "Don't understand Reverend...they always listen to the music and say...OH Lord I'm a comin"...thats it!!!...thats it!!!...your NOT plugged in"
Last edited by Steve Bagu; 04-25-2010 at 04:28 PM..
Reason: spelling
[SIZE=5]Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"[/SIZE]
When I was younger, I hated going to weddings.
Invariably, after the wedding and during the reception, my
grandmothers, my aunts, and any other female relatives
would come up to me and poke me in the ribs, crackling
"You're Next"
They finally stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals!
An old man sat in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally, the mayor couldn't stand it any more. He pointed at the heckler and said, "Sir, please stand up and tell everyone what you have ever done for the good of the city."
The man stood up and said in a firm voice, "Well, Mr. Mayor, in the last election I voted against you."
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAIN CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of the watermelons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Oldie but goodie
