Joke & Humor Thread Official (house, best, how many, letter)
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... "Then, why do you even care?"
Though he loved the design of his new tie, Harry had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the clerk asked what was wrong with it, Harry said, "Too tight."
A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.
He said to the d o c t o r, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,429,775 times
Reputation: 4611
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.
Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................1. Talk about a huge breast!2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.3. It's Cool Whip time!4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!5. That's one terrific spread!6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.7. Are you ready for seconds yet?8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!10. Don't play with your meat.11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?13. I didn't expect everyone to *** at once!14. You still have a little bit on your chin.15. How long will it take after you stick it in?16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,429,775 times
Reputation: 4611
~Easy Pop Corn Stuffing~
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Try it
and see!!
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,.... it's done.
A husband wanted to make love with his wife....they have 3 children.
He asks his wife to make love but she reminds him to be more discrete in front of the children.
She tells him when he is in the mood that he should ask to use the washing machine so the kids don't "catch on".
He complies and a week later asks his wife if he can use the washing machine.
She tells him to go upstairs and disrobe and wait for her arrival.
Hours go by and she still has not ventured upstairs to their bedroom.
Finally after 3 hours she opens the bedroom door, dressed in her sexiest lingerie.
She tells her husband she's ready and he may use the washing machine.
He abruptly tells his wife....It was a light load so I did it by hand!
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