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I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided that if I do ever have children, I'll most likely adopt.
I also think that it would be incredibly rewarding to be a foster parent. I'm just wondering how this would affect a child who would live with us permanently. Would it stress them out, seeing so many people come and go, or would it help foster social skills? Does it depend on the child? I'd love to adopt them all but unless I win the lotto, that isn't happening. None of this would happen for a looong time anyway, but you can never do too much planning.
I think it really does depend upon the child. I wasn't raised with foster children, but DH and I began fostering when our biological sons were 8 and 11 years old. We only took babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers. At first they were really excited, but after a few months it became hard for them emotionally to part with the babies. At that point they began refusing to hold the babies and our older one wouldn't even look at them or talk to them. They were protecting themselves from hurt in the only way they knew how to. They were nice about it and never asked us to stop, but they just tried to prevent bonding with them. We got our now adopted daughter at birth when they were 12 and 9. They did well with her because they knew from day one the chances were good that we were going to be able to adopt her eventually, but they often both seemed very stressed a few days before court and on court days. My best friend has an adopted DD and got her through Lutheran Social Services as an infant foster child. The child is now 16 and she continues to foster. Her daughter has shared that its difficult to part with the babies as well and often will not hold them, play with them, etc., but she seems to do better overall with it than our boys did. I think overall though it is probably a positive experience and the kids learn a lot about the value of helping others. If your children are supportive of the idea when the time comes, go for it. You can always put your license on hold or stop fostering if its not working out.
My parents took in troubled teenagers when we were smaller. Mostly kids stayed for just a few nights but we had some long term ones as well. Two of the "foster" children became unofficial family members and we are still in contact with them all these years later. They were like older sisters to us. Now, though, the problems are a lot more serious with teens and I would be very careful introducing those problems in my home but taking in small children wouldn't be the same as taking in teenagers.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided that if I do ever have children, I'll most likely adopt.
I also think that it would be incredibly rewarding to be a foster parent. I'm just wondering how this would affect a child who would live with us permanently. Would it stress them out, seeing so many people come and go, or would it help foster social skills? Does it depend on the child? I'd love to adopt them all but unless I win the lotto, that isn't happening. None of this would happen for a looong time anyway, but you can never do too much planning.
Any experiences would be most welcome.
I am adopted, and was lucky to not get bounced around. I was UNLUCKY in that my biological brother and I were never treated the same as our adoptive parents' own children. It's hard to pinpoint, but it happens a lot unfortunately. We also had A LOT of foster children (from all over the USA) while I was growing up. Some were bad experiences for my parents, others were full of good memories. My parents still keep in touch with some of them. It takes a special kind of person to be a foster parent. DON'T do it for the money, so many people do and it ends up making EVERYONE'S life miserable. And, it is so unfair to foster children that are hoping BEYOND HOPE that they will find a mommy and/or daddy that love them.
I adopted a older (9yo) from fostercare as a foster/adopt. When I fostered him his goal was adoption at that point. But took 18 months more till the state could termenite his unknown Bio Dad rights in court. I also did some emergency Foster all with 7-14yo boys for few night till a more perm placement could be found (mostly did that as favor to SW who was friend of mine) When all the other Foster home were full or would not take older boys.
What age group are you looking to adopt?
There is also a Tax Credit for adopting. And most states give a adoption subsidy for adopting 'hard to place' foster children, Most also come with a medicide card to cover councling .
My parents started doing foster care when I was 15 and am now 24. I loved it, although there were stressful times it was good. we had mostly long term 2-3 years. Sometimes it was annoying, and odd having a new person move in and out, but you adjust. I currently have a 5 Yo little brother who was adopted out of the system, we got him when he was only 10 weeks old. My parents stopped doing foster care when was about 3 1/2 beacuse it was difficult for him when the last 3 kids we had left. They'll wait till he's older to do it again.
You can specify that you prefer long term or short term, and you do not have to take every child that they call you about either.
My parents started doing foster care when I was 15 and am now 24. I loved it, although there were stressful times it was good. we had mostly long term 2-3 years. Sometimes it was annoying, and odd having a new person move in and out, but you adjust. I currently have a 5 Yo little brother who was adopted out of the system, we got him when he was only 10 weeks old. My parents stopped doing foster care when was about 3 1/2 beacuse it was difficult for him when the last 3 kids we had left. They'll wait till he's older to do it again.
You can specify that you prefer long term or short term, and you do not have to take every child that they call you about either.
Please excuse my sensitive to things like this, but I've heard people before refer to foster children as something they get or acquire, and it rubs me the wrong way. I would love to hear someone say "he or she became part of our family....". Please realize that part of my frustration with this sort of thing stems from how my father and mother always referred to me as "we got you when you were little" and my biological brother and I were never fully accepted as family (other members of the family told me this was what they observed as well).
Keep in mind may Foster Families have Kids come and go. Most of us are not sure if they will become part of the family, also our agency don't want us to turn the children againts the bio family, We love them but its a tight rope we have to do, Help them, Parent them, but keep in mind that they may have to go back to there bio Familes
I was UNLUCKY in that my biological brother and I were never treated the same as our adoptive parents' own children.
Sadly, I've seen this in families with biological and adopted children. My best friend growing up was adopted. Her parents had a biological child two years after adopting her. I utlimately became close friends with both sisters. Since my age fell in the middle of theirs, I became close to the younger sister when the older one went away to college. Our families were very close. Our parents were best friends too. We practically lived at each others houses. I KNEW this family VERY WELL. Anway, these girls were definitely treated differently.
The adopted child wasn't treated BADLY, but the daughters were treated differently in a financial aspect. The biological child was the one who was sent to a prestigious private school, and the adopted child was sent to public school. The biological child was sent to a an expensive private college, and the adopted child was sent to trade school. The biological child had a huge trust fund, and the adopted child had a very modest trust fund. When the parents died, the biological child inherited almost everything, and the adopted child received only a very small portion of the estate.
This family of old money believed in the blood line. There is no doubt in my mind that the adopted daughter would have been treated better if the parents hadn't ended up having a biological child. The adopted child would have received the prestigious private education and inherited everything.
It can go both ways though.
My son's best friend was the youngest of 4 biological children when his parents started fostering. Fostering didn't upset the household as much as the adoption of two foster children who were sisters. Suddenly, my son's friend was no longer the baby of the family---without the benefit of a pregnancy to pepare him. The mother clearly loved her new daughters. The son resented them.
The mother gave him good reason to resent them too. I'll never forget sitting in her kitchen waiting to pick up my son from a day trip with her husband. While I was waiting for her husband to arrive with my son, her son and the two adopted daughters, she received a phone call. When the car pulled into the driveway, she squealed with delight and announced to the caller that she had to go because her GIRLS were home. Her beautiful baby boy suddenly became the invisible middle child when those foster sisters were adopted.
To the OP, my husband and I always wanted to foster, but we decided it would be better to wait until our children were raised before pursuing it. Our youngest is starting college in the fall. We will see.
I think it really does depend upon the child. I wasn't raised with foster children, but DH and I began fostering when our biological sons were 8 and 11 years old. We only took babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers. At first they were really excited, but after a few months it became hard for them emotionally to part with the babies. At that point they began refusing to hold the babies and our older one wouldn't even look at them or talk to them. They were protecting themselves from hurt in the only way they knew how to. They were nice about it and never asked us to stop, but they just tried to prevent bonding with them. We got our now adopted daughter at birth when they were 12 and 9. They did well with her because they knew from day one the chances were good that we were going to be able to adopt her eventually, but they often both seemed very stressed a few days before court and on court days. My best friend has an adopted DD and got her through Lutheran Social Services as an infant foster child. The child is now 16 and she continues to foster. Her daughter has shared that its difficult to part with the babies as well and often will not hold them, play with them, etc., but she seems to do better overall with it than our boys did. I think overall though it is probably a positive experience and the kids learn a lot about the value of helping others. If your children are supportive of the idea when the time comes, go for it. You can always put your license on hold or stop fostering if its not working out.
Nancy
Hmm, well I'm a bit relieved to hear that it will probably depend on the child. I would feel awful if my own children were upset by it, but I feel like it definitely could be a great way for them to learn responsibility and social skills. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal
My parents took in troubled teenagers when we were smaller. Mostly kids stayed for just a few nights but we had some long term ones as well. Two of the "foster" children became unofficial family members and we are still in contact with them all these years later. They were like older sisters to us. Now, though, the problems are a lot more serious with teens and I would be very careful introducing those problems in my home but taking in small children wouldn't be the same as taking in teenagers.
That's great to hear! I would hope that I could stay in contact with some of the children, as well. I appreciate your concern, but I would consider fostering teenagers. That's such a crucial time in a person's life to have support and stability. I think that the potential to help them would be more important to me than thinking of the problems they could bring. Although if I have other children in my home, I definitely wouldn't disregard their safety in my pursuit to help others. It's definitely something that requires a lot of thought, I'm sure.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsOfMe
I am adopted, and was lucky to not get bounced around. I was UNLUCKY in that my biological brother and I were never treated the same as our adoptive parents' own children. It's hard to pinpoint, but it happens a lot unfortunately. We also had A LOT of foster children (from all over the USA) while I was growing up. Some were bad experiences for my parents, others were full of good memories. My parents still keep in touch with some of them. It takes a special kind of person to be a foster parent. DON'T do it for the money, so many people do and it ends up making EVERYONE'S life miserable. And, it is so unfair to foster children that are hoping BEYOND HOPE that they will find a mommy and/or daddy that love them.
I'm sorry that you had to experience that. I think that's despicable. In my opinion, an adopted child IS my child. I would never dream of bringing someone into my life only to treat them as a lesser person because they don't have my DNA. That makes me so angry.
I completely agree. I didn't even know that foster parents received money for doing so until I was discussing this yesterday with a friend. Can you tell how early in the planning process I am? My reasons for doing so have nothing to do with money. I wouldn't even consider fostering children until I have enough money on my own to afford a decent sized house, good food, etc.
I want to do this because I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. I know how much damage a parent can do, whether they're in the picture or not. Every child deserves someone who can be there for them and is capable of providing a stable, safe and supportive environment. I've heard so many horror stories from friends who were in foster homes and the way that they were treated makes me sick. Some people should never be allowed around children.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
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None of this would happen for a looong time anyway, but you can never do too much planning. 
Her beautiful baby boy suddenly became the invisible middle child when those foster sisters were adopted. 
I'm sorry that you had to experience that. I think that's despicable. In my opinion, an adopted child IS my child. I would never dream of bringing someone into my life only to treat them as a lesser person because they don't have my DNA. That makes me so angry.
My reasons for doing so have nothing to do with money. I wouldn't even consider fostering children until I have enough money on my own to afford a decent sized house, good food, etc.
