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OK. This is hard, but if you were 19 and could party and get away with not working, why not, huh? You need to strip her of everything....all money, electronics, leave her about 2 outfits (seriously) and take everything. She can then "earn" these back by getting a job, being responsible. You have to both be strict with it though. She will throw fits but if she doens' tlike it, let her know that it's too bad and she can either choose to do this, or leave.
Maybe she was overwhelmed with all the firmly stated posts.
Here's what I did with my daughter when having the same difficulties. (and yes, she grew up in a well disciplined home but it pretty much meant nothing when she turned the magical age of 18)
I wrote out a plan and included the rules she already knew. I informed her that we would stick to this plan and she could be a willing partner in it or not.
She had 90 days to get with the household program.
She would abide by the rules of the house or leave.
She would obtain another job and keep it.
She didn't... I took her to the Salvation Army and dropped her off. She spent 3 nights there, called crying and I refused to pick her up. I told her that she broke the agreement and I would not support or enable her lazy, irresponsible lifestyle.
She called again two weeks later... had a job... could she come home and start over?
I agreed and we started over.
She got another job and kept it. Today she is going to nursing school, working and living on her own. I still have to loan her 5$ once in a great while but I don't mind that.
Parenting doesn't end when they turn 18. Parenting means being limber, willing to bend and start over sometimes. Not much can be set in stone when you love your kids... you have to be willing to bend with the learning curve that is theirs. If I hadn't, I don't know that this girl would be such a wonderful adult today.
I love this plan. This seems like a great suggestion
She is 19...old enough to work. My vote would be simple.....Employment within 90 days or move......and let her know that the MILITARY is always hiring.
My daughter is 19 and will not hold a job all she wants to do is sleep party and complain how it is all everybody's fault sh looses her jobs. She has been through 5 jobs in the last 2 months. This last one she had for 3 days and quit to go on a boat with her buddies for her birthday.
My husband who is her step dad is about at his end with the whole thing and I just do not know what to do. I love my daughter AND my husband he wants to kick her out but i have stopped that because she has no place to go and for a girl on the street it just is not safe any suggestions or advice would be wonderful
Kelly
My suggestions? Read my post on the very same topic:
Love her enough to believe in her ability to pull it together - she may not say it for years to come, but it's exactly what she wants & needs... Hope my post helps. All the best to you all...
My daughter is 19 and will not hold a job all she wants to do is sleep party and complain how it is all everybody's fault sh looses her jobs. She has been through 5 jobs in the last 2 months. This last one she had for 3 days and quit to go on a boat with her buddies for her birthday.
My husband who is her step dad is about at his end with the whole thing and I just do not know what to do. I love my daughter AND my husband he wants to kick her out but i have stopped that because she has no place to go and for a girl on the street it just is not safe any suggestions or advice would be wonderful
Kelly
40% of households over 55 have a minor in the home.
translation
40% of us are raising our grandbabies. but of course not this time.
she is over 18. grown.
your primary instinct at this point is to protect her at any cost.
but your are probably enabling her. could drugs play a role in the problem.
get some help. short of throwing her out you need to play ball some with the hubbie. if you just fight him in all his attempts to deal with it you become part of the problem. why is it that i think her friends are part of the problem.
Sounds like you are not on the same page with your husband on parenting - and you seem a bit wishy washy
He's right - she should be kicked out. If she wants to party - then do it on her own dime. YOu are no longer responsible for her actions - enjoy your life you are being quite co-dependant. We all love our children but it seems she's never been made to do much and gets her way.
Draw up a contract - that says get a job, go to college, do something productive with your life if you want to live in this house - or you have 60 days to move out. PERIOD. If she thinks she's an adult then she should be able to enter an adult contract, and follow through.
You are enabling her. Stop it.
I gave my son (along with infant grandson & "daughter-in-law") a 3 month notice - in writing by registered / return receipt requested mail. He is the type who said, "What are you gonna do if we don't leave?". I did all this prep after realizing that I may have to have the sheriff remove them & needed the law on my side. It took them 30 days to find their own apartment & for my son to finally get a job (although it now turns out that the company is moving at the end of the month). They had done nothing until the point at which they were forced to fend for themselves. Best worst thing I've ever done!!!
And, they've already begun talking with me & voluntarily interacting with me! Even invited me to come see their new apartment. It isn't perfect by a longshot - but I believe they both secretly realize what a great thing this has all been.
40% of households over 55 have a minor in the home.
translation
40% of us are raising our grandbabies. but of course not this time.
she is over 18. grown.
your primary instinct at this point is to protect her at any cost.
but your are probably enabling her. could drugs play a role in the problem.
get some help. short of throwing her out you need to play ball some with the hubbie. if you just fight him in all his attempts to deal with it you become part of the problem. why is it that i think her friends are part of the problem.
stephen s
san diego
I have a pretty tough stance on this issue - as I am living it. If we really want to "protect" our children or do what's best for them, then we will require the very best of them. We will believe in their ability to take care of themselves. Instead, often, we do what is less traumatic on ourselves for fear of being rejected by them or out of guilt or fear - that is not love. It just isn't. We must love them enough to set limits & require them to be responsible for themselves. Period.
As for the friends. I had friends with all sorts of issues in high school - all of them used heavy drugs & all were having sex. At the age of 40, I still have never used drugs & didn't have sex until the age of 19. My point? We make our own choices - we can blame our friends for our poor choices - but I believe in personal responsibility.
And I would hope no one would be spanking anyone, much less a teenage boy. They tend to hit back -- and make it count.
I think spanking has nothing to do with it. I thought your comment about hitting back & making it count was a good one. I believe discipline is essential but violence to teach our children right from wrong is insane... IMHO.
Why should you have a fear of your kid stealing your car keys....spanking resolves all of that.....they know what will happen after they touch your keys......im not even talking about abuse or a beating with a fist....spanking works.......answer what has happened to society since spanking started being considered a "cruel" thing?.......guess what?...when it was more accepted in society kids behaved better for some reason
A parent should not fear a child stealing their car keys & neither should a child fear spanking from their parents. I grew up with old school parents. I feared my mother - she never had to spank me. I knew that emotionally she'd make my life a living hell if I defied her in any way. Some parents want their children to feel that way. I never have.
I wanted my son to respect me. I showed him respect & set decent limits for him in many ways. I just had him too young & made too many foolish parenting mistakes because I was learning & growing as I was raising him. Discipline is the key - not spanking. Discipline & proper limit setting. Spanking is never necessary.
Actions have specific consequences. Natural consequences.
I thought I had done a good job at holding my son accountable, but messed it all up somewhere along the lines. Drugs & his father (his father giving him the drugs) played a large role in the decline of my son's attitude & behaviour. I played it about as tough as you can - short of kicking an under age child out.
My son took my car - several times - but I didn't know that until the call from the state troopers (who'd expect that of a 14 year old otherwise respectful child?). I pressed charges & made him stay in juvenile detention. I asked the courts to hold him as accountable as they were allowed. I called the courts when he didn't follow the rules & he was held accountable. I began keeping my keys around my neck from that point until the day he moved out of my house. The trust was never back.
I don't know that I was always against physical punishment - in the early years I believe my thinking was that a little spanking never hurt anyone. Yet knew I never wanted my child to feel about me the way I did about my mother. But, my son was one of those - is one of those - individuals who will always challenge & push further any given situation. The same options don't work for every child.
We've all probably scared this poor mother away. I just want her to know that while her daughter needs a good swift kick in the butt - I do not believe that makes her a bad person. I adore the "who" of my son. I just can't stand his choices/behaviour much of the time. There is a difference.
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