TOUGH LOVE: Kicking your 19 yo son, his 19 yo girlfriend, & your 7 month old grandson out on the street!!! (childcare, stepfather)
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Up until this point in my life the very deepest challenges I faced were the death of my parents. On 1 August 2007 (after giving over 3 months written notice), I kicked my "children" out of my apartment.
They had nowhere to go because they failed to take the whole thing seriously & work their butts off to "get it down". So, she went with the baby to her mother's house (which was like walking into hell & taking your baby with you) & my son started out at a friend's house (where he was staying with the friend, the friend's girlfriend who was about to give birth any day, & the friend's mother in a small studio type apartment).
He changed places twice after that. On some levels, he wore his welcome out wherever he went. He applies for lots of jobs & then sits & waits for them to knock on his door. His skills at calling about jobs are frightening. Apparently, his interviewing techniques are worse. He can't get a job. Frankly, he also isn't trying hard enough.
Truly, in a perfect world, none of this would be happening. Jeez, he & this girl are frightful together. The actually have nothing in common & the fight like cats & dogs. She complains & nags & rants & raves & he becomes negative in response.
Neither one of them are behaving in any way that would impress a mother. But, none of that matters much because they ARE together & my grandbaby is here & needing two stable parents.
I find it ironic that after all this time of them being unemployed & doing NOTHING but complaining about every possible way in which their lives were not their faults. Now, In one month they have found their own apartment, moved in, & my son has a fantastic (for a high school graduate) job (as of two days ago). They are going to be able to qualify for subsidized childcare (normally a long waiting list, which makes finding a job immediately a real challenge).
Their apartment is, well, subpar (at best) - not conditions any of us would want to live in, but "safe" & in a decent locale. Personally, I had to pay my dues in places just like that many years ago. They'll survive (if they can keep up with the rent) AND they'll be better for it - just like I have been.
Making a radical decision like this - to kick your children out when they have nowhere & sometimes it seems like they are suffering from brain damage (lol)... It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I was NOT turning back from the decision once I made it. But, it's been terrible.
On top of that I have discovered this thing that I have heard about for many years: "The Empty Nest Syndrome" AND IT IS REAL!
I don't want my child back home. But, I've suddenly realized that he no longer has to have a life with me. He can walk away & never talk to me or include me in his life. I cannot imagine that god nor the world has created a pain greater. I have spent the last 19 years of my life with him as the focus. It was my job & responsibility to create safety & family around him. If he strayed away (and he did), I was to go after him (AND I DID).
Now, it is my job to sit back & allow him to live his life. Separate life. Separate from mine. It's mind boggling, really.
Today, I am so proud & so pleased. My son took a short break from his job to call his momma & tell her where he was working & what he was doing. I could hear the pride, esteem, joy in his voice - his energy was intoxicating.
I hung up the phone & cried my eyes out! This is the beginning of my son finding his own power, beauty, strength, & honour. I think, today, I can begin calling him a man... My man-child.
Sometimes when we love our children, we must love them enough to force them to do it on their own. Make their own choices - good, bad, or ugly. Then to settle in with their consequences. We must wait to offer advise until asked. We raise our children to become responsible interdependent world citizens. If we succeed, we'll never be needed the same ways again.
I've received a lot of criticism (encouragement too) for doing this. But, I knew my son & I knew that we'd be having the same discussions years later if I didn't make the choice for him now. He is FIERCE like his momma - but he doesn't quite know it yet.
Up until this point in my life the very deepest challenges I faced were the death of my parents. On 1 August 2007 (after giving over 3 months written notice), I kicked my "children" out of my apartment.
They had nowhere to go because they failed to take the whole thing seriously & work their butts off to "get it down". So, she went with the baby to her mother's house (which was like walking into hell & taking your baby with you) & my son started out at a friend's house (where he was staying with the friend, the friend's girlfriend who was about to give birth any day, & the friend's mother in a small studio type apartment).
He changed places twice after that. On some levels, he wore his welcome out wherever he went. He applies for lots of jobs & then sits & waits for them to knock on his door. His skills at calling about jobs are frightening. Apparently, his interviewing techniques are worse. He can't get a job. Frankly, he also isn't trying hard enough.
Truly, in a perfect world, none of this would be happening. Jeez, he & this girl are frightful together. The actually have nothing in common & the fight like cats & dogs. She complains & nags & rants & raves & he becomes negative in response.
Neither one of them are behaving in any way that would impress a mother. But, none of that matters much because they ARE together & my grandbaby is here & needing two stable parents.
I find it ironic that after all this time of them being unemployed & doing NOTHING but complaining about every possible way in which their lives were not their faults. Now, In one month they have found their own apartment, moved in, & my son has a fantastic (for a high school graduate) job (as of two days ago). They are going to be able to qualify for subsidized childcare (normally a long waiting list, which makes finding a job immediately a real challenge).
Their apartment is, well, subpar (at best) - not conditions any of us would want to live in, but "safe" & in a decent locale. Personally, I had to pay my dues in places just like that many years ago. They'll survive (if they can keep up with the rent) AND they'll be better for it - just like I have been.
Making a radical decision like this - to kick your children out when they have nowhere & sometimes it seems like they are suffering from brain damage (lol)... It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I was NOT turning back from the decision once I made it. But, it's been terrible.
On top of that I have discovered this thing that I have heard about for many years: "The Empty Nest Syndrome" AND IT IS REAL!
I don't want my child back home. But, I've suddenly realized that he no longer has to have a life with me. He can walk away & never talk to me or include me in his life. I cannot imagine that god nor the world has created a pain greater. I have spent the last 19 years of my life with him as the focus. It was my job & responsibility to create safety & family around him. If he strayed away (and he did), I was to go after him (AND I DID).
Now, it is my job to sit back & allow him to live his life. Separate life. Separate from mine. It's mind boggling, really.
Today, I am so proud & so pleased. My son took a short break from his job to call his momma & tell her where he was working & what he was doing. I could hear the pride, esteem, joy in his voice - his energy was intoxicating.
I hung up the phone & cried my eyes out! This is the beginning of my son finding his own power, beauty, strength, & honour. I think, today, I can begin calling him a man... My man-child.
Sometimes when we love our children, we must love them enough to force them to do it on their own. Make their own choices - good, bad, or ugly. Then to settle in with their consequences. We must wait to offer advise until asked. We raise our children to become responsible interdependent world citizens. If we succeed, we'll never be needed the same ways again.
I've received a lot of criticism (encouragement too) for doing this. But, I knew my son & I knew that we'd be having the same discussions years later if I didn't make the choice for him now. He is FIERCE like his momma - but he doesn't quite know it yet.
He's ready to shine, y'all... Just wait & see!!!
Now, my face is a complete mess and I have to go to work...thanks a bunch for making me cry........ This story really hits home for me, so I guess thats why I'm so choked up.....2 very spoiled college kids still at home and the realization that yes, I need to let go some day. My 21 year old is not even driving yet. I also have an 8 and 10 year old keeping me busy. I actually believe when the last one finally goes, I really won't be able to handle it. My husband is on me all the time (my older kid's stepfather) that I am way too easy on the older ones. He is right. They do very little to nothing around here, going on with their own lifes, although my 21 year old stays home more then anything else. Their father has been in the picture very little, and before I met my husband it was just the three of us. My kids are everything though and I really suck at letting them grow-up. Well, you seem to be doing wonderful work at an extremely heart-wrenching job. On my way to work, have a great Labor Day weekend! Jeannie
think.reciprocity
You are a good mom. I too am an empty nester as my only child as married about 6 months ago. It is hard to watch them take life's hard knocks, especially all the wolves in sheep's clothing trying take advantage of their inexpereince. It truly is a jungle out there and I have spent my entire adult life trying to create a haven from it all, now are adult children must do the same. God bless you.
Good for you! Your children may not be happy with you at this moment but when they grow up, they will thank you, maybe not to your face..lol..but they will thank you. It is hard to remove your children from your personal space but sometimes it's what we have to do. Love them no matter what, support them no matter what, but, no matter what...do not be a doormat! I wish you all the best!!
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I do give you credit for doing this. As a 19 yr old myself, i think i'd be either in jail or dead if my mother wasnt tough on me when it gave her pain to do so. I'm thankful there are still mothers out there who are willing to have their child hate them for awhile for the greater good of the child's well-being.
I do give you credit for doing this. As a 19 yr old myself, i think i'd be either in jail or dead if my mother wasnt tough on me when it gave her pain to do so. I'm thankful there are still mothers out there who are willing to have their child hate them for awhile for the greater good of the child's well-being.
This one made me cry. THANK YOU for taking the time to post it!!!
I am close with all of my son's friends & to his face, they tell him how messed up I am & what a "this or that" I am for kicking them out! Behind his back, they have been encouraging me to do it for a long time & they tell me they wish their moms would have the same "balls" (as they say).
My son doesn't have much maturity or insight at this point to have the degree of reflection & gratitude that you clearly have (although you may still be a nightmare for your mom... lol). He's very YOUNG in many ways & self-centred.
I know that somewhere along the line my son will reflect back on this time in his life & not only realize the blessing it was that I was so tough - but that this was truly the "best times of his life" in many ways - despite the hard times.
Just as you, over the course of your life will grow, evolve, develop on different plains & new layer of understanding will reveal themselves. I only now, at the age of 39, after doing this to my son, fully realize the scope of devastation I bestowed upon my moms & pops at the same age. I was a well behaved kid - but left home immediately after graduating. I still loved my parents but had little time for them then. I was busy establishing my independence from them (especially my momma).
I knew there'd always be time to spend with them & now was not it. They had spent from 1941 to 1986 raising children. Never alone. Now, I left them cold-turkey. I called. I went home for a weekend here or there. But, I left.
There isn't always tomorrow. I believe that my parents couldn't survive that sort of loss. They died 10 months apart in 1988 & 1989. I could have been more loving & gentle with their hearts - but I didn't know I wouldn't have "tomorrow" to make it all better.
I never realized until just now, in this last month, the level of sorrow & loss that a parent feels when their child leaves home (even when they want them to go) - I've long since healed from the majority of my "wrong" with my parents, but this is a whole new layer of "knowing" & healing.
I WISH YOU WELL... you sound like an incredible young person & just remember to do all you can to show your mom you love her (we love even just a phone call for no apparent reason or an "I love you" out of the blue). It's always best to tell them in the living years...
Good for you! Your children may not be happy with you at this moment but when they grow up, they will thank you, maybe not to your face..lol..but they will thank you. It is hard to remove your children from your personal space but sometimes it's what we have to do. Love them no matter what, support them no matter what, but, no matter what...do not be a doormat! I wish you all the best!!
think.reciprocity
You are a good mom. I too am an empty nester as my only child as married about 6 months ago. It is hard to watch them take life's hard knocks, especially all the wolves in sheep's clothing trying take advantage of their inexpereince. It truly is a jungle out there and I have spent my entire adult life trying to create a haven from it all, now are adult children must do the same. God bless you.
Exactly, seems as though I meet far more people, however, who'd rather avoid the pain they're going to feel by doing the "tough" & "best" thing for their adult children.
I appreciate the support (god knows I need it)
On that note, folks too often think just because a person is FIERCE (as I am... ) - that they aren't also FRAGILE (which I also am... )... one doesn't negate the other & we still need compassion & support... here's some rep!!!
think.reciprocity - You've done well, you've given your son the push that he needed to stand on his own. A very difficult thing for a parent to do, but when you want them to be independent and responsible individuals it must be done and you did that with their best interests at heart. They may not see that today but as they raise their own family this will come to light, just as it has for you. I have 3 sons, all young men (26, 25 and 20). They all moved out and on their own, they are productive and responsible individuals. As parents that is what we all hope for in our children. My oldest is married and has his own son, him and his wife call for advice. It's interesting to be giving advice, but to know you can only give it when it's requested otherwise you must just stand back and watch. My oldest and youngest are both in the military and my middle son was in the military, did his tour of duty and now has a wonderful job and will be buying his own home next year. All I can tell them is how proud I am of them, that I love them dearly and if they ever need me that I'm only a phone call away. I hear from each of them about 2-3 times a month, just to check in and let me know that they are doing well. Those moments are the highlights for me now. They are all men with their own lives to live, as they see fit to live them. Now all can do is watch and wish them the best that life has to offer them. I've given them the foundation which to stand on, it's up to them to stand on their own.
think.reciprocity - You've done well, you've given your son the push that he needed to stand on his own. A very difficult thing for a parent to do, but when you want them to be independent and responsible individuals it must be done and you did that with their best interests at heart. They may not see that today but as they raise their own family this will come to light, just as it has for you. I have 3 sons, all young men (26, 25 and 20). They all moved out and on their own, they are productive and responsible individuals. As parents that is what we all hope for in our children. My oldest is married and has his own son, him and his wife call for advice. It's interesting to be giving advice, but to know you can only give it when it's requested otherwise you must just stand back and watch. My oldest and youngest are both in the military and my middle son was in the military, did his tour of duty and now has a wonderful job and will be buying his own home next year. All I can tell them is how proud I am of them, that I love them dearly and if they ever need me that I'm only a phone call away. I hear from each of them about 2-3 times a month, just to check in and let me know that they are doing well. Those moments are the highlights for me now. They are all men with their own lives to live, as they see fit to live them. Now all can do is watch and wish them the best that life has to offer them. I've given them the foundation which to stand on, it's up to them to stand on their own.
Well said... I just hope that he chooses to include me in the future he builds but wish him God's richest blessings regardless... take good care...
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This story really hits home for me, so I guess thats why I'm so choked up.....2 very spoiled college kids still at home and the realization that yes, I need to let go some day. My 21 year old is not even driving yet. I also have an 8 and 10 year old keeping me busy. I actually believe when the last one finally goes, I really won't be able to handle it. My husband is on me all the time (my older kid's stepfather) that I am way too easy on the older ones. He is right. They do very little to nothing around here, going on with their own lifes, although my 21 year old stays home more then anything else. Their father has been in the picture very little, and before I met my husband it was just the three of us. My kids are everything though and I really suck at letting them grow-up. Well, you seem to be doing wonderful work at an extremely heart-wrenching job. On my way to work, have a great Labor Day weekend! 
Jeannie
) - that they aren't also FRAGILE (which I also am... 
