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My 18 year old daughter left home a few weeks ago and hasn't been back or has barely spoken to us since. We have called her numerous times and she has not returned any calls. I received on phone call from her asking me to meet her at a local restaurant, which I refused because I wanted to meet at the house or somewhere more private.
Anyhow this all escalated a few weeks ago when she refused to go out of town with us and refused to pay her car insurance. Well I figured if she wasnt going to pay anything for the car or phone I would take the car keys away and shut the phone off, I also took away her house key. Come to find out she had another cell phone she had been using and paying for herself and was planning on leaving and not living with us any longer, according to her text messages sent to her boyfriend.
She left with only the clothes on her back and has not been back or contacted us since to retrieve anything. We have since packed up her room and are planning to let her younger brother move in there since it is larger and nicer than his. I have asked her to come home and talk but she informs me she doesnt live with us anymore and wants to try things on her own.
I am just crushed by this. Yes, I over reacted and acted like a control freak, but am confused at her deceit in planning to leave home and the hurtful text messages she sent about me. Her father has been texting her and asking her to come home and talk and telling her he wants her to live with us and we can work out things with the car and college and she wont have to pay any board but her answers are very generic and vague as to what she plans to do.
I should add that she is now living in her boyfriends parents basement and although they say they want her to go home and tell her that she needs to go home and work things out with her family, who really knows, because she is still there.
She has no transportation, he drives her to work and now is paying for her first semester of college herself. If she refuses to come home(which seems to be the case) we will have no choice but to sell the car, drop her from the health insurance and provided no financial support. I feel so lost and desperate, but she assures everyone that she is now "happy"..all I can think is thanks, thanks for nothing, I hurt so bad. I dont think I can or will ever get over this hurt and destruction she is causing. Her 2 younger brothers are very upset over this also.
Just dont know what to do or where to turn to begin fixing this.
I should add that she has been dating this young man less than a year and has been fighting on and off with him the last few months and even broke-up with him a couple times in April and May. I cant even fathom what she is thinking or how she thinks this could be a positive thing. It appears that he doesnt care for my husband or myself and is enjoying the status quo. She hardly speaks with or hangs out with her friends anymore, but of course she text me and told me how happy she is, that she is seeing her friends and is being taken care of.
Sorry, but you sound extremely manipulative. She's 18. She's old enough to take responsibility for herself, although she really isn't if she's in her boyfriend's basement.
So cut off things and allow her to grow up. Wait for her to come to you.
Dont be sorry. You are right. I just had some big dreams for her and thought that she wanted them to. Ive come to find out otherwise. We are cutting her off and hopefully she will come back and I will have chilled out.
Thanks for your honesty.
Parents need to learn to encourage their children to have their own dreams and teach them how to pursue them. It's her life. She needs to live it the way she sees fit. If she gets hurt, be there to listen. If she messes up, let her learn from it. Give her the opportunity to be an adult on her terms with what she's learned from you while growing up.
Dont be sorry. You are right. I just had some big dreams for her and thought that she wanted them to. Ive come to find out otherwise. We are cutting her off and hopefully she will come back and I will have chilled out.
Thanks for your honesty.
This continues to sound manipulative. You are cutting her off in order to get her to come home??
How about just apologizing for being controlling, manipulative and irrational and telling her you will respect her, support her and not try to make her live out your dreams??
She wants to meet a restaurant because YOU don't control things there and she feels safer. It's neutral ground. By not agreeing you are showing that you still want to manipulate and control the situation.
You haven't described a bad kid here....just one who is sick of trying to live the life YOU want. If you have dreams, live them yourself. Let her find and live her own dreams.
It may be a long time until things are patched up and she may not come home to live. You may have burned some bridges but that doesn't mean you can't start from where you are now and rebuild the relationship. But, it's got to be on equal terms now, she's not a child anymore and you don't call the shots.
I agree with the previous poster. One more thing, why did you pack up her room if your goal is to get her to move back in with you? She's only been gone a few weeks, right?
I am not really sure why she was so miserable at home. We bought her a car last summer, paid for all the repairs, insurance and even put gas in it weekly this past year while she attended school. Once she graduated we told her she would need to pay for her insurance, cell phone, gas and tuition at community college as her grades were really bad this past year (she had 2 e's in core classes until 3 days before graduation, not sure how she talked the teachers into passing her)which had me, I am sure tripping out at her alot. It seems all these demands to make her financially accountable escalated the situation, we also asked her to be in by midnight during the week and by 1:30 on weekends, since we have to get up for work and have other kids in the house.
Dorothy, we packed the room because she said she was not coming back, her younger brother is in a much smaller room and would like the space. Also, I was sitting in there crying a lot, so my sister helped (actually she did most of it) get the space ready for her brother. My husband and I discussed giving her the basement, which was professionally finished 2 years ago, with a bathroom, fridge and micro as her "own, apartment" space, with no rent, but she would need to pay for her gas, phone and insurance and help out...cook occasionally, clean up, etc...
Not sure if she will even accept it or if it is a good idea. She seems to be very attached to this young man and his mother told us, they mentioned moving out together.
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