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I am going to tackle it head on. Honestly, I have seen child-centered parenting in both "camps". The camps that I refer to are the attachment parenting, no cry-it-out (CIO), nurse on demand, co-sleep crowd and the push for independence, nursing schedule, crib using, CIO crowd.
I will get to the point because I did write a long post. Child-centered to me means: being your child's playmate when you don't want to be. Centering your life around your child and not allowing your child to observe life the way you know it. The opposite of this is living your life like you don't hear you child's cries or pleas for attention.
Before I had my daughter, I had the imperfect/perfect mind for her. I was imperfect because I had the wrong reasons for wanting a daughter. I thought I could teach her everything, be there for her, be responsible for her happiness and keep her from harm. I had these needs myself because my family did not meet them.
I had the perfect mind because I had no idea that there were experts in child rearing. I hadn't read their books or received expert advice from MILs. Life was perfect because before her, everything I did went unchallenged. I was doing what I wanted and everybody told me how important that was.
Then I had my daughter and I did what my instincts told me to do. The first two weeks of her life were the best. I had the most confidence and my life did not revolve around my daughter. She came two weeks early and so the "experts", my family (in-laws), came two weeks too late They told me I was spoiling her by picking her up. They told me I needed to put her on a nursing schedule. They told me I was doing it all wrong. Things went downhill from there.
I was at odds with my baby. She suddenly was my adversary who needed to be controlled and disciplined. She needed to be told that she was a child and I was the adult. I was in charge. I needed to get her independent from me. I needed to withhold nursing to force her to take a pacifier. I needed to starve her for her to stay on her high chair and eat the food I placed in front of her. I needed to get her exposed to other kids.
I was told to take her to mommy and me classes because kids like that stuff. I was told to buy her toys so she learns to play by herself. I left her with other babies crying on the floor hoping she would find solace with them, hoping she would learn independence from me. When she didn't, I played with her. I tried to keep her happy this way but she was becoming more demanding, more unhappy. I tried even harder and thought I wasn't disciplining her enough or providing the right entertainment. I came to my breaking point.
I had to accept that I became child-centered and this is what made her unhappy. She did not want all the things that the experts say she wanted, the toys, the crib, the stroller, the pacifier, to play with other kids, to be left untouched, the schedule, the newly created routines that were never part of my life.
What she wanted was for me to live my life and allow her to participate in it by simply observing. She mainly wanted to observe "life" as I knew it by my side, in my arms, even when sleeping. She needed to feel the movement of life.
If life was not about toys and entertainment, then I should not have provided her with these. Really, I pay for my "entertainment", why should I provide my daughter with 24 hour entertainment freely?
The best thing I ever did was go with my gut that something was wrong. Whether that be not letting her cry or not enjoying being her play mate. I changed gears and said, daughter, I am going to do the things I need to do and that is it. I still meet her needs but I no longer confuse my needs with hers. In my house, a crying baby is a baby in need. A baby who wants to stand near mom or be carried is a baby in need. The thing is that now that I have departed from my child-centered parenting, she really doesn't cry anymore and she only needs to be held when she is unsure about something and needs time to observe. She listens almost every time I ask her to do something and I haven't even disciplined her. She has incredible behavior and many mistake this for her not being outgoing enough or independent enough or verbal enough.
I realize now that a behaving child is not a child under too much control, not able to freely express themselves. It can't be because I never taught my daughter how to behave and yet she does.
She makes the choice on whether to stay by my side or go and find something else to do. I am no longer responsible for keeping her entertained, keeping her distracted, keeping her happy. Since then, she has become "independent."
I have come to see independence as something different, something that cannot be taught or forced on a child. If you think you need more of it, you don't have it. If you don't need it, you have it.
I see now why attachment parenting exists. It is the response to the cry-it-out crowd. We had our instincts and others were interfering with their expert advice. This is what I was doing to my daughter when I tried to persuade her that she needed what they said she needed.
I was interfering with her ability to tell me what she needed. I did not trust that she knew what she wanted. I did not trust that her cries were a sign of a need being unmet. I realize I was doing exactly what my family did to me and they were members of the opposite camp.
My question, (thanks mayalevi) is this, where do you draw the line between trying to get your child to be independent and not meeting their needs? My answer, I don't. If they have a need, there is nothing I can do to make it go away. I have to do what I can to meet it.
I have come to see independence as something different, something that cannot be taught or forced on a child. If you think you need more of it, you don't have it. If you don't need it, you have it.
I see now why attachment parenting exists. It is the response to the cry-it-out crowd. We had our instincts and others were interfering with their expert advice. This is what I was doing to my daughter when I tried to persuade her that she needed what they said she needed.
I was interfering with her ability to tell me what she needed. I did not trust that she knew what she wanted. I did not trust that her cries were a sign of a need being unmet. I realize I was doing exactly what my family did to me and they were members of the opposite camp.
I agree with you about independence. I do not believe that it is something that can be forced or even taught. I do believe that once a child's dependence needs have been met the child can move forward with confidence and become independent on their own and in their own time. I believe that part of it is developmental.
Someone gave me a book about attachment parenting when I was pregnant. I skimmed through it and thought it seemed pretty cooky. I had already decided prior that I didn't want unsolicited parenting advice nor did I want to listen to "experts" and that included the AP "experts" For the first time in my life, I just wanted to rely on myself. When dd was born I followed my instincts and was surprised to see that those instincts fell in line with AP. I dealt with some criticism but ultimately had to do what felt right for me. I think that many mistake AP parenting for sacrificing everything for one's child and I think that it's the furthest thing from the truth. For me it was being true to myself and to my baby. I found that dd and I could meet our needs together and it made life easier for me because I didn't have to struggle to get her to do things that the "experts" thought she should be doing.
I agree with you about independence. I do not believe that it is something that can be forced or even taught. I do believe that once a child's dependence needs have been met the child can move forward with confidence and become independent on their own and in their own time. I believe that part of it is developmental.
Someone gave me a book about attachment parenting when I was pregnant. I skimmed through it and thought it seemed pretty cooky. I had already decided prior that I didn't want unsolicited parenting advice nor did I want to listen to "experts" and that included the AP "experts" For the first time in my life, I just wanted to rely on myself. When dd was born I followed my instincts and was surprised to see that those instincts fell in line with AP. I dealt with some criticism but ultimately had to do what felt right for me. I think that many mistake AP parenting for sacrificing everything for one's child and I think that it's the furthest thing from the truth. For me it was being true to myself and to my baby. I found that dd and I could meet our needs together and it made life easier for me because I didn't have to struggle to get her to do things that the "experts" thought she should be doing.
Till this day, I have never read an AP book because I never wanted to be one of those permissive families. It turns out, I am AP even though I read all the other books. I had to accept that a book wasn't written for my daughter.
I'm a bit busy this morning - but this was an article I came across recently, and it is somewhat relevant to your post. This is yet another reason why I am yearning to find a way to stay home with my son.
I'm a bit busy this morning - but this was an article I came across recently, and it is somewhat relevant to your post. This is yet another reason why I am yearning to find a way to stay home with my son.
Starry-eyed--look up the Continuum Concept. Of course, nothing can be replicated like the tribe in the book but it doesn't really matter. My life is different and my daughter WANTS to learn the "rules" of my life anyway. Honestly, forget the experts. Go with your gut.
Till this day, I have never read an AP book because I never wanted to be one of those permissive families. It turns out, I am AP even though I read all the other books. I had to accept that a book wasn't written for my daughter.
I think that a lot of people confuse AP with being permissive. To me permissive parenting falls into it's own separate category. Some people think that they have to follow a set of rules in order to be AP but it's not true. AP really is just about following your instincts and will look different from one family to the next since each child is different. Some babies sleep best in bed with Mom while others need a little bit of space. Some babies love to be carried in baby carriers, others do not. Its about knowing your child and being open to doing what you as a parent feel is best.
Yes but what I am trying to say is that if you try to do what the books or experts say, doesn't matter which one, your life has now been interrupted by a baby. You have become child centered or your world revolves around getting your child to follow the books, which is also child centered in my eyes. It doesn't matter which books you read.
To be fair, my daughter was crying and unhappy because I was child-centered.
Yes but what I am trying to say is that if you try to do what the books or experts say, doesn't matter which one, your life has now been interrupted by a baby. You have become child centered or your world revolves around getting your child to follow the books, which is also child centered in my eyes. It doesn't matter which books you read.
I think that I know what you are trying to say. What I'm hearing is this. If you go against your own intuition and instincts and try to do what the experts tell you that you need to do rather then following your gut then your parenting has become child centered because you are focusing extra time and energy to try to get your child to do specific things that aren't really a part of your everyday life. Is that what you mean?
I was thinking blah blah blah when I started to read this, until I realized the gist of the post is to do what feels natural and right for you and your baby ( I think that is what the gist was anyway) whatever that may be.
I think it is very sad that we have to label that as a type of parenting and I think getting hung up on describing your particular parenting style is a complete waste of time. I just don't understand the need for a name to be attached to a certain style. None of us can say we completely adhere to one style and use no techniques of another type.
I am not trying to be mean with this but if you really need to validate what kind of parent you are (whether it be CIO or AP or BIR or PYP, the last two are made up ) then you are still allowing those negative voices to control your life.
I think you should always follow your gut and not worry about explaining it or rationalizing to anyone else.
BTW this is not directed at you personally OP but at the groups in whole who feel the need to do this.
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) then you are still allowing those negative voices to control your life.
