The effects parents have on their children (punishment, divorced, pregnant)
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I was having a conversation about parenthood with some people and we were discussing the many effects parent's behavior/choices has had on them. A few of them said they didn't appreciate how selfish their mothers and/or fathers were.
Example 1: A guy was raised by his grandmother because he was the product of a affair with a married man. Once the mother realized her child wouldn't breakup the man's marriage, she sent him off to live with his grandmother because she couldn't bare raising him alone while his father lived across the street and was a father and family man to his kids with his wife but would never accept her son. He went through life thinking his dad hated him and didn't want him only to find out 20+ years later when he decided to meet with him that it wasn't that his dad wanted nothing to do with him but that he and his mom were having a affair and his mom basically got pregnant to spite him and tried to force him to choose between her and his family and he chose his family because the mother knew the circumstances from the very beginning and if he had a choice in the matter, he wouldn't have been born. The guy is a pretty successful guy and he has not upgraded his moms lifestyle or do anything special for her because of the resentment he has over how he was created. He resents her for knowingly bringing him into a situation that was not healthy and then pawning him off on someone else to raise because she didn't gain anything through her selfish actions.
Example 2: A gal had both parents married but they only stayed married to keep the family together and she hates that her mother held on instead of divorcing the father. She said her life as a child would have been much better had they divorced rather than them staying married thinking they were doing "what was best" She mentioned that her parents didn't realize her and her siblings were very aware of the lack of love between their parents and despite them trying to make due with the situation, they were very aware of the dysfunction between them.
Those were just a couple examples but basically they all agreed that their parents were selfish in the choices they made and really didn't make choices/decisions in favor of them but for themselves and not everyone need to be parents just because you're able to reproduce. I'm childless and engaged and I think about parenthood a lot and whether or not I really want to be a mother. Years ago it would be no question that I wanted to have kids but now that I've got older and I see the effects good and bad parenthood has been, I really don't know if I want to have children. There is no way to be a perfect parent and in most cases parents try to do what they deem best for there children but after its all said and done its the child who's left with the results of your choices/decisions good or bad.
I've heard people say its selfish to not have children but I also think some people have children for selfish reasons also. So the door swings both ways and I find if a person don't think they have what it takes to give the devotion that's necessary to parenthood, they shouldn't be condemned for choosing not to become a parent. I really don't think everyone is cut out to be parents and having children doesn't automatically make you a good mother/father and their are mothers/fathers who do not have the best interest of their kids. I've had a couple elders tell me if they could go back and do it all over they wouldn't even have kids however it was what you did in those times but now women have choices and they should utilize the advantages that are present now that wasn't back then.
So parents do you think you were/are good parents/mother/father? Is there anything you wish you would have done differently? Do you have children who resent you and what's the reason for their resentment?
Childless women why did you make the decision to be childfree?
I make it no secret that both of my parents were bad parents. Both had major sicknesses and both were self-absorbed and selfish people. BUT that made me a better parent. What I didn't get as a child, I made sure that my kids got it - love, respect,commitment, stability. All the things my parents didn't give me.
I used to be resentful towards my parents but it comes to a point in life that you've got to let go of that angry and move on and do better for yourself.
My father is died now and my mother is still alive. I hold my mother at arm's length.
I think I am a good mother but I've made my mistakes too in raising my kids. Nothing major like what my parents did but if I could go back and re-do some things I did, I would.
Parents are never perfect - we are all only human after all.
And the better parent you are the more you are always thinking about what you wish you had done better or differently.
It's easy to sit on the sidelines and judge what some people should or could have done better.
But the reality is, most parents just do/did the best they could.
Was it good enough? Many times, no. Did the kids deserve better, many times, yes.
But dysfunction can breed dysfuntion it you let it.
Far better to do what you can to accept your parents mistakes or poor choices, forgive them, and then take personal responsibility for your own happiness and future.
I'm example number 2. I sometimes think that's why I struggle with relationships and had the problems I had with my ex. I really don't want to end up like my mother, but I'm getting over that fear slowly but surely because if I don't get over it, I'm destined to live a life alone.
As for how it affects my thoughts on having children of my own, I'll figure that out when I get to that crossroad, for now its not even on my radar.
My grandparents reared me. Largely because my mom saw no benefit to herself in dealing with me. Although she did see the (spiteful and selfish benefit) of taking me away from my dad when i was 2. Just to basically pass me on to grandma and papa
My mom tried in her own way, i suppose. It's not like she wasnt around. she remarried when i was 12 and was married long enough to have 2 kids, and then get divorced- and let her ex take those kids. shes just not a caregiving kind of person. Almost as though if she sees no benefit to herself, she sees no reason to do anything. its her. always has been. i love her for who she is, even though i dont particularly like her.
I found my dad (actually HE found ME) just a few years ago. I am closer to him than my mom.
I could harbor resentment, but whats the good of that? what purpose does it serve? Regardless of whether or not I agree with what she did, I can't change her actions. I love her. she is my mom. and i guess in her own way, did what she felt was right. even if i didnt love her, i still cant change the past. only go forward.
my mother has continued her legacy of leaving by moving across the country, leaving my husband and I to care for my grandparents (who, coincidentally, she owes a LOT of money to).
it is what it is.
I think people who use their past as a crutch as to why they cant do something, are looking for an excuse. Accept your past for what it was, make a promise and keep it- to do better than others- and move on with your life. You can forgive, without forgetting, loving , or even liking the person who 'did you wrong'.
Anger, hate, resentment... it all breeds negativity. If you breed negativity, thats all you will attract. So for me, I try to breed (and attract) love, acceptance, and peace.
My husband, whose father was TERRIBLY abusive (makes mommy dearest look like an angel), is the gentlest man I've ever known (next to my papa). He vowed to be different than his father, and he is.
Parents are never perfect - we are all only human after all.
And the better parent you are the more you are always thinking about what you wish you had done better or differently.
It's easy to sit on the sidelines and judge what some people should or could have done better.
But the reality is, most parents just do/did the best they could.
Was it good enough? Many times, no. Did the kids deserve better, many times, yes.
But dysfunction can breed dysfuntion it you let it.
Far better to do what you can to accept your parents mistakes or poor choices, forgive them, and then take personal responsibility for your own happiness and future.
I have been told this before on the parenting forum and wanted to believe it. I thought for many hours how accepting this would result in personal responsibility because I couldn't see the connection. Now I think I understand and would like to share it just in case somebody else had the same experience.
When I compare my child rearing with that of my family (except my mom), I notice one big difference. I don't wish for my daughter to be anybody else. I love her exactly how she was given to me. She is slow on picking up on things like I was. She is fearless just as I was. At first, I was ashamed that I could not pass on better genes to her but I realized that if I didn't want her to grow up insecure like me, I needed to be satisfied with what I was given.
Now, my family did love me but they wanted me to be somebody else for good reason. They didn't want me making the same mistakes they did. They probably wished that somehow I could be shaped into another person through punishment and by withholding their love. They focused too much on my mistakes. This led me on a futile quest of perfection. The goodness in me was not nurtured. My desires, passions and abilities were not nurtured.
I could not find happiness or even believe that I was somehow responsible for it. Why? I was led to believe that in order to be happy, I needed to start with the best, with perfection. Only now do I realize that happiness is when I make the best out of what I was given, which is imperfection. That is the connection to personal responsibility.
The funny thing is that happiness is not what I thought it was. Talk about clueless. Now that I know this, I don't have a higher IQ, I am not a faster thinker, I still like to analyze and I still make mistakes. I am still the same old person. But at least I can believe that I am a good person, that my husband is a good person and that we gave birth to a good person.
Example 1 just makes me feel a great sadness that this man is angry that he was born, and that he's absolved his father from all wrong doing, yet resents his mom for the same.At that time he was right thinking his father didn't want him...he didn't.In example 2 , this man has to try to understand that maybe his parents staying together to raise them was the best choice, and that this decision was made by the adults, and the children had no right to question what the parents thought was best......none of us are perfect, and we can all only try to do what we feel is best, most parents really do love their children....As adults, instead of being resentful about things they couldn't change. they should learn from their experiences and know that they now have the power to live their lives in the way that they feel is right.
Example 1 just makes me feel a great sadness that this man is angry that he was born, and that he's absolved his father from all wrong doing, yet resents his mom for the same.At that time he was right thinking his father didn't want him...he didn't.
I felt the same way about example one. It really bothered me that he let his father off his emotional hook.
As a parent all you can do is the best you can. It took me 40 years to finally understand and forgive my Mom for things I blamed her for. My children blame me for things...maybe in 30 years or so they will also see that I did the best I could. That is all anyone can do. My children were never abused, had a home, and if that was not "good" enough...
Tough!
As for being "childfree" if you want that, do it. You make a choice...if I did not have children
Or could not have had them, I would have been okay with that..I would have done a PhD, and probably gone on to medical school.
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Now that I know this, I don't have a higher IQ, I am not a faster thinker, I still like to analyze and I still make mistakes. I am still the same old person. But at least I can believe that I am a good person, that my husband is a good person and that we gave birth to a good person.
