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My fiance' has been fighting for over a year to get visitation with his two year old son. His son was the result of a two week long "relationship". The gf told him she couldn't get pregnant.
He found out after his child was born by way of her suing for child support. DNA proved it was his.
As soon as he found out the truth he began paying child support and basically begging to see his son. She said no at first. Then a few times we met her at McDonalds. Then she would cancel at the last minute..each time my bf's heart would break a little more. He loves this boy with all his heart and just wants to be part of his life.
My bf is in AA and found an attorney in his group that would represent him in court pro bono, woohoo!
After a year of fighting in court, parenting classes, etc., the judge, on Thursday, granted visitation beginning tomorrow (Saturday) from 9am to 3pm and Wednesdays from 4 to 8pm.
Baby mama and grandma are throwing a huge fit. They are no longer in control and they hate it. They keep calling him, telling him what he can and can't do with his son. I understand about allergies, medical things, obviously. But they are telling him how or how not to discipline him, what the boy can and can't do in our home, that we can't take him to his favorite place McD's, blah blah blah. My bf told them he will do what he wants in his own home, that they are no longer in charge.
Ok, so there is the background. The baby mama and grandma are to be here at 9am to inspect our home, the judge did grant them that. We are assuming that they will find something wrong and will not leave him. We are having a local police officer friend come over tonight and inspect the house and leave a report. So we have something from a third party in case this does happen.
My question is one that neither parent of this boy are thinking about. How do I or how can I, make the transition easier for his son? I expect a lot of screaming..they did well in the parenting class, it was 16 weeks long, once a week, with my bf spending an hour alone with his son. By the last class his son wanted to come home with him and "play toys at his house and see horseys" (we live in the country).
I am just afraid baby mama is going to throw a hysterical fit, thus inciting the boy to have a meltdown too. I realize there may not be anything we can do..but bf did say if mama throws a fit he will just let them go, not say anything, and call his lawyer as they are now defying a court ordered visitation.
Have a special toy wrapped up for him when he arrives. Make some cookies. Have a toy box in the main room of the house and sit and play with him while Mom looks around. Most of all, you and your man should be extra calm and welcoming - maybe that will take his focus off Moms anxiety.
The baby mama and grandma are to be here at 9am to inspect our home, the judge did grant them that. We are assuming that they will find something wrong and will not leave him.
That's an interesting one. Is this a one off 'inspection'? Is there a lot of 'fine print' regarding this? I find it odd that the court has granted visitation but has also granted the mother/grandmother this - and wonder if they actually have any power to legally defy the court order regarding leaving him there based on their opinions. It seems odd that this is not a third party decision, given the emotion involved. It should really be an objective decision...(not to pry, but I could only guess that they may have pulled this in regards to the AA classes, just because otherwise it's a bit odd)
But the 2 year old, distraction is great, maybe a little gift, explore the house a little. If he can be kept out of the 'inspection' process, and be interacted with during that time, that's probably for the best - does he know you? Are the horses close enough for a quick visit while the adults sort things out? (as long as mom doesn't freak out at you taking him out...)
And after mom leaves, distract him again. I hope it goes well.
The more his dad (and you!) can remain calm & centered, the better it will be. Try your best to not be drawn into the drama -- taking 3 deep breaths works wonders! Even if you (or your fiance) need to say out loud, "Let me take just a second" to get those 3 breaths, it's worth it, to remain as "in touch" as possible.
It sounds like the mom can take things a little too far, but I can say, as a mom whose son has visitation with his dad, it's HARD to let go! Especially if she's been the sole person raising him, it's hard to think of someone else having an influence. I never set those limits with my son's dad - i.e., telling him how to discipline him, etc. - but I really, really wanted to! I was mature enough to put our son first, though, and know he and his Dad needed to be free to work out their own relationship. So I don't agree with doing that, but I can see why she did.
Having said all that, you are free to smile and nod while she's telling you these things - then do as his dad sees fit. She really doesn't have the right to control your son while he's in his Dad's house -- or the Dad, for that matter. Keep the child first - he doesn't need to be torn between two people. Agree as much as you can, simply to keep the peace. Providing a peaceful, loving space is much more important than "getting your way", especially to a younger child.
I completely agree with having a transitional object, toy or somesuch, to grab the boy's attention when Mom leaves. Bubbles work wonders! If he's old enough to appreciate gift wrap, anything wrapped up will be kind of magical, even if it's a toy car from the dollar store.
I have a feeling the mom's going to come to appreciate having your fiance (and you) in their child's life - and hopefully she has somewhere she can work out her "stuff" about it.
Wow those are some great ideas, thanks! A transitional toy...definitely. Bubbles would be awesome..
Yes the Dad and I agree to be non-confrontational, if they see something they do not like and do not leave his son with us, we are to just let them go, no words exchange, nothing to be said at all.
Yes it is a condition of the first visit that the judge granted to ease the mother's and grandmother's fears. Even though it has been over 10 years since my boyfriend/fiance' has had a drink, they throw that up because it's the only ammo they have. The judge said well then, go inspect the house on the first visit. Our master bedroom and basement is off limits but they can see everything else. We have already cleaned top to bottom, all chemicals up high and locked, all cabinets doors have locks, all outlets have plugs. No wires or cords, mini blinds are tied up high. I think they will be actually surprised to discover that my bf does not live in a pit and that we are taking the care of his son very seriously.
I came home from work yesterday (Thursday) and heard a loud vehicle driving down the street. It was them, driving by and gawking, LOL. I called bf, who said court had just let out about 30 min ago and he was in the parking lot talking to his lawyer, to tell him about the drive-by. He said the mom and grandma were so mad in court that they left crying.
See, they've always gotten their way regarding letting him see his son, ALWAYS. He's followed all the rules, maintained his composure when they've cancelled at the last minute and been nothing but cooperative..all the while knowing that someday his day would come when they could no longer rule everything. And boy were they mad when the judge granted visitation.
Beginning January 7th the visitation will be the full visitation, with every other weekend, Wed evenings, two weeks in the summer, every other holiday and the best one of all, FATHER'S DAY! They didn't even want to give him Father's Day.
I have choice words I'd like to speak about them but I won't. I will not disrespect the boy's mother because she will always be in our life from now on.
I AM worried about how tomorrow goes though. The grandmother is a....rough one, LOL.
I would not go for the wrapped toy. Because if the biomom is of the mindset you describe, it will looked upon ad your finace trying to 'buy' the child and this could turn into her trying to one up him at every turn. Everything in your home will be new and exciting to him anyway.
This is what I would do....
Set aside a corner in the main living area. Put a beanbag chair and little tykes bookshelf there along with some age appropriate toys and books. Have this as little man's space. He will recognize the little tykes furniture without being told it is his. That way there is not blaring "see what your dad did for you" the way a wrapped gift would be. Put the bubbles there (those anti spill container are a God-send). When he gravitates to that area (and he will) let the father join him. As the new/other woman in the child's life, I would stand back and observe with minimal interaction. You do not want her insecurities to spill over to you any more than they have to.
Maybe have some calming music softly playing in the background?
Is it permissable to have your bedroom and basement not available for inspectio? Just trying to think of things these two women will complain about. Also your name says adopt strays.Dogs or cats or both? don't let them complain about pet dishes, barking dogs, smelly cat trays, anything which might set them off. Good luck. let us know how it goes.
I would not go for the wrapped toy. Because if the biomom is of the mindset you describe, it will looked upon ad your finace trying to 'buy' the child and this could turn into her trying to one up him at every turn. Everything in your home will be new and exciting to him anyway.
This is what I would do....
Set aside a corner in the main living area. Put a beanbag chair and little tykes bookshelf there along with some age appropriate toys and books. Have this as little man's space. He will recognize the little tykes furniture without being told it is his. That way there is not blaring "see what your dad did for you" the way a wrapped gift would be. Put the bubbles there (those anti spill container are a God-send). When he gravitates to that area (and he will) let the father join him. As the new/other woman in the child's life, I would stand back and observe with minimal interaction. You do not want her insecurities to spill over to you any more than they have to.
Maybe have some calming music softly playing in the background?
Good Luck!!!
Very excellent idea! Looks like I'm going shopping when I get off work for a few more things.
But seriously, I do plan on being in the background completely this first time, and probably for awhile. It's their time and it's going to be so precious. I do plan on having my camera handy to catch it..once everything is hopefully going smoothly. I imagine little one is going to pitch a fit when mama leaves him..he did at the parenting class often. He is two after all.
I like the idea of his own little space in the main room.
Also, to answer a PP, the bedroom and basement are off limits.
Anywhere that he will not go, they do not need to see. But if they want to it's not any big deal.
We do have kitties and they ordered us to put them up. Not that he's allergic or anything, just that Mama doesn't like cats. See what I mean?
It's obviously a tough situation and needs to be treated gingerely. There was already a lot of advice in this thread that was very good, but just a few observations:
1. I agree with having an area setup to be "his" in your house. This would be preferable to an overt gift. This is also positive from the inspection end of things as it shows you are able to accomodate a childs needs. It doesn't have to be extravagant, just a nice little play area. If there is something there that he really gravitates towards is attached to, maybe let him take it with him.
2. It sounds as if the inspection really isn't an "inspection" just an allowance to let the mother and grandmother enter the property and assuage their fears. I wouldn't get uptight about the inspection side of it, but I do think it's a good idea to have the third party take a look through first, as they may try to use that clause against you and it's best to be prepared.
3. Staying calm and collective is extremely important. No matter what happens, don't let anyone lose their cool and if the conversation seems to be heading south, remind everyone that there is a child present. Edit to add, make sure you have a copy of the judge's orders handy and if it turns sour, don't be afraid to call the police to resolve the dispute versus arguing it out with each other.
4. I think your BF needs to work on the "my house, my rules" thing a little bit. Consistency is very important for all kids, but doubly so for a toddler. Unless the rules are really off the wall or asinine or the punishment is abusive, then they should be the same between the houses. This might be one area where your BF and the mother can reach some common ground. If the child is only allowed an hour of TV or to watch certain things, or there are defined punishments for certain behaviors, than they should be followed. Once the relationship evolves and the child is older, it becomes more acceptable to have things that are OK at dad's house, but not at mom's house and vice versa.
5. When it comes to what you can do, I think the best thing you can do is support your BF the best you can. It will take time for he and his son to develop a good relationship and they should be given the opportunity to do it. I'm not saying that you can't be there or be a part of it, but maybe just take a stepback and let them have their time versus being involved in everything they do. Also, if I were you, definitely stay out of any arguments or bickering. Try to be neutral as much as possible and let your BF know you are there for him. My main reasoning for this is, let's say it turns sour and an argument erupts. Maybe they will say something demeaning to your BF and you will naturally want to defend him, don't. You don't want to give them any ammo they can use against you and failing them proving that your BF is unfit, you could become their next target to prove that the child shouldn't be in your home.
It might not hurt to have either a video camera or just a recorder tucked away - just for the record. Sounds like they are just spoiling for a reason to not let him stay. Good Luck.
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