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I just want to second the bonding/talking in the car. This was true with both my kids. I generally invite my son to grocery shop with me...between the car ride and the walking around (having some say on food is a good way to entice a teen boy to run errands) I hear lots of things that start out with "Oh...did I tell you about...."
Talk to your son - let him know how you feel and what you expect (but be realistic - he IS a teen and they ARE moody and mumbly from time to time) - then make an effort to spend some one on one time with him....
When my children are totally stressed out, upset, or disagreeable, I say, "Grab your coat and shoes. We're going for a ride!"
Once in the car, they just start emoting all of their feelings and worries.
There's just something magical about car rides!
Yes it is! My daughter has a very busy schedule this year, but one day a week has English Riding lessons about 45 minutes away. I cherish this drive w/ her. Sometimes we just put Taylor Swift on and crank it on up for a while and then settle down for a nice talk about her school and friends. I've learned that the best way to know my daughter is to learn and know about the friends she hangs out with.
Yes it is! My daughter has a very busy schedule this year, but one day a week has English Riding lessons about 45 minutes away. I cherish this drive w/ her. Sometimes we just put Taylor Swift on and crank it on up for a while and then settle down for a nice talk about her school and friends. I've learned that the best way to know my daughter is to learn and know about the friends she hangs out with.
Oh, so true. I have a son and a foster-daughter. A car ride for teenagers is great. We used to put on some music, and the kids would talk. We spent many wonderful hours listening to eachother!! Even though they drove me crazy at times, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I really miss the talks we had. Now, they are both grown up., and they turned out fine, although lots of days they had me tearing my hair out.
If I learned another over again, it was to pick and choose my battles, carefully!!
hello folks....parents.. So my problem with my 16 year old is starting to come to ahead. Since he entered puberty he has pretty much been the same.. rude, short, grumpy, and selfish!
Now the selfish part I get.. and the rudeness I guess is some form of rebellion. But its trying to contain it that I am struggeling with..
heres the situation. He lives with me half time and with his mother half time.. we have been doing this since he was 3, we both have stable homes and are remarried with children (he has many brothers and Sisters) and we live close by. We communicate well even still today so as I think we are on the same page as much as anyone could be in the same situation. And we as an entire family have gone through counseling with him when he was little and it was determined he was a normal and adjustd child.
Now, his personality is he isn't much of a studen but gets it stuff done! Have no real behavior issues outside of home.. teachers, coaches, friends ect think he is a good kid..
So really the issue is his attitude with us! He cant give more then a one word answer, rolls his eyes, grunts, and shakes his head everytime we try to talk to him..
I am very frustrated! it is totally uncalled for.. He has a cell phone he is on texting ALL hours of the day, on his IPOD internet device all day, and other then that when he's not out involved in sports (busy busy) he's in front of the tube playing vedio games...
So what can I do? I take away the phone and the ipod and the games.. Grounding him?? he's too busy this time of year and maybe gets one night out with friends..
Right now the whole license/driving thing is coming up and of course we got that to hang over his head but jesus.. Short of locking him up which I dont think is productive what else can we do?
I know most of you will say this is normal behavior.. maybe soo but it shouldnt be acceptable! Like I said we all get along but for the sake of THIS conversation me and my wife are WAY more invloved.. we support ALL of his endeavors.. we pay for the phone, ipod ect ect. we drive him everywhere we pretty much are the ones responsible for him when it comes to everything... I can see where he feels we are overbearing but really.. we give him plenty of space and to be hones... most of the time we are on eggshells kissing his behind tryiing to get a smile out of him... which is why this attitude thing hurts us.. and for me makes me angry!!
Empathy goes a long way.
Have you asked him why he acts this way, or if anything causes this conduct?
hello folks....parents.. So my problem with my 16 year old is starting to come to ahead. Since he entered puberty he has pretty much been the same.. rude, short, grumpy, and selfish!
Now the selfish part I get.. and the rudeness I guess is some form of rebellion. But its trying to contain it that I am struggeling with..
heres the situation. He lives with me half time and with his mother half time.. we have been doing this since he was 3, we both have stable homes and are remarried with children (he has many brothers and Sisters) and we live close by. We communicate well even still today so as I think we are on the same page as much as anyone could be in the same situation. And we as an entire family have gone through counseling with him when he was little and it was determined he was a normal and adjustd child.
Now, his personality is he isn't much of a studen but gets it stuff done! Have no real behavior issues outside of home.. teachers, coaches, friends ect think he is a good kid..
So really the issue is his attitude with us! He cant give more then a one word answer, rolls his eyes, grunts, and shakes his head everytime we try to talk to him..
I am very frustrated! it is totally uncalled for.. He has a cell phone he is on texting ALL hours of the day, on his IPOD internet device all day, and other then that when he's not out involved in sports (busy busy) he's in front of the tube playing vedio games...
So what can I do? I take away the phone and the ipod and the games.. Grounding him?? he's too busy this time of year and maybe gets one night out with friends..
Right now the whole license/driving thing is coming up and of course we got that to hang over his head but jesus.. Short of locking him up which I dont think is productive what else can we do?
I know most of you will say this is normal behavior.. maybe soo but it shouldnt be acceptable! Like I said we all get along but for the sake of THIS conversation me and my wife are WAY more invloved.. we support ALL of his endeavors.. we pay for the phone, ipod ect ect. we drive him everywhere we pretty much are the ones responsible for him when it comes to everything... I can see where he feels we are overbearing but really.. we give him plenty of space and to be hones... most of the time we are on eggshells kissing his behind tryiing to get a smile out of him... which is why this attitude thing hurts us.. and for me makes me angry!!
Like the second poster said congratulations you have a teenager...
Get over it, him rolling his eyes will not kill you, him being grumpy will not kill you, be glad he is just texting and on his ipod all day and not out humping everything in a skirt or shooting up in an alley while getting fondled by a hobo...
Its not you, its him. You aren't making him grumpy, he is just grumpy. Stop taking it so personal.
I watch my mom do this with my 16 year old brother. The kid is FULL of teenage angst and drama, he is hardly ever happy and my mom gets offended by it....SHEESH its not her, its his teenage drama life. Then she acts all meek and asskissy and its disgusting.
Leave him be, he is a busy kid, into sports, as long as he gets the grade, let it be, as long as he gets his chores done, let him be.
In his spare time between everything he does if he wants to veg out and text all the time, let it be, or video games.
Nothing worse than having your personal downtime dictated.
Taking away his stuff isn't going to do you any good.
Taking things away is a punishment, why would you punish him for being a moody teenager? I don't really think they can help it...
It's like they don't know how to handle life right now so they are moody and parents just make it worse with all the nagging.
If he wants to be a miserable little **** then so be it, let him being miserable.
It's not you who made him miserable so why are you trying to fix it???
Get over it and stop trying to make him happy and then getting pissed because he isn't miraculously being happy..
So really the issue is his attitude with us! He cant give more then a one word answer, rolls his eyes, grunts, and shakes his head everytime we try to talk to him..
So what can I do?
Give him a big hug every single time. Make him stop what he's doing & hug back.
Make it a joke..Oh no~It's Family Hug Time! Someone needs a hug!
I'm a big believer in physical touch, such as a shoulder rub to a teen sitting at the kitchen table, encourages an emotional connection.
I'm a behavior therapist by career so I get this a lot. I also do ABA therapy for kids on the autism spectrum.
Hope I can help from afar but I can only give you tiny bits of advice because I am not there seeing it in action. I would need to do a FBA and take ABC data to really help. Anyhow...
Keep in mind everyone is entitled to thier opinion and feelings. So when he grunts, rolls eyes, etc- it's a result of his opinion and emotions. You can not change his feelings at that particular moment but can validate them. Why is it important to validate them?
It is important to validate your son's feelings (anyone's really) because it avoids a power struggle of "you can't feel that way because your feelings are wrong" which is pointless because we are all entitled to our feelings/opinions because they are based off of personal individual experiences. And two, validating feelings will build your relationship with him.
Agree to his feelings- not to the situation or what he is asking- big difference. To continue to build on this, ask him to explain his feelings and let his feelings be right for him and accept them. (You are modeling for him how to handle the real world/business world when people disagree with you and when someone shows agression.)
Once you hear him out, which may take a while BTW because he might blow you off, keep pressing to hear him and let him be heard!! then you will eventually get your own 2 cents in. At first, listen to his feelings but don't put your 2 cents in. Listen, listen, listen and say I understand. When the time is right, you will get your own 2 cents in.
Your 2 cents will include how he will continue as a teenager and young 20something to disagree with some of your parenting decisions and the way you do things- that's normal and so glad he is doing his job so well. Seriously. Everyone on this board who has said welcome to teenagers is exactly right! Its a matter of continuing to parent these young adults with so much freedom that is the struggle. Next, you need to restate your job duties as a parent, your own morals-state these often and try your darnest to follow then and most important when you fall short acknowledge them with grace and be apologetic to the family. When you do fall short with someone- be sure to apologize and always ask how you can make it better- often there isn't anything you can do but the words alone do it.
When you can get going on this part, I would suggest that now that you understand his position and he understands yours, teach him a different way to disagree with you. After all, he will continue to disagree with you which is completely normal but the two of you need to come to an agreement of what that will look like and that is acceptable to both of you. Brainstorm what this will look like and make suggestions. If you don't mind the eye rolling, suggest he do it when you can't see it. In the real world, he needs to remember to roll eyes when people aren't looking. If he grunts, he needs to do it out of earshot range. You could also propose and utilize yourself a statement like, "I have the right to disagree." And you can respond, "You do." and let him go process emotionally then come together again to let him release his emotions and let them be validated so he has felt like he has been heard. Otherwise, your young man seeking independence will felt like he has no power or control in his life which is horrible when in reality he has all the control. We only educate them, guide them, and then pray like crazy that their stupid mistakes never cost anyone too much misery or heartache. We all make those mistakes and they will do it too.
As far as the texting, video games- do not take them away right away. That again is taking control over his life and those are important things in his life. As you build this new type of relationship, start sharing your concerns about this stuff with valid reasons. IN ADDITION to sharing this information, find evidence to support it. I can guarantee your words alone will mean nothing. For the texting piece, discuss the reality of how the kids will be changing our world's language with it and how the art of the way we talk and write will be lost- like calligraphy. Talk about the pros and cons of texting- enjoy texting yourself and share that with him. Then start suggesting hours of when texting needs to cease for the evening and when it can start in the morning and do it accompanied with it is just social ettiquette that has been around for years and something you would like him to try and he will gain more respect from people by using it. Video games...what a guy thing. He will probably do that until he has a family of his own. See if there isn't a game the two of you can play together- Halo for example.
As you do this, I am hoping he will try one of your things. The whole point is to develop a more respecting relationship and the only way to do that is to build respect for each other by building a more meaningful relationship.
Again, I am not there seeing what is happening, what triggers/antecendents there are, what useless power struggles are ongoing, and consequences. (ABC-antecedents, behavior, consequences)
Behavior happens for two reasons- escape/avoid and to obtain/gain something like attention or tangible/material items. See if you can't determine which he and you are doing. You both are doing it, we all do it. Use this in your conversation and he start seeing his friends do the same- she is doing x for attention and boy did she get it. He did x to avoid/escape a demand/task and he did that.
Good luck. And hope it helps somewhat- sorry it is soooooo long.
Tell him that you are prepared to stop doing two things that annoy him, and in return he will stop rolling his eyes and grunting. This might work. Teens like to feel empowered. Anyway, I feel for you OP. I am starting to see a little of the attitude in my almost 10yo, and I am just dreading the teen years. Good luck.
you might be tempted to get him his own car but I think that would be a big mistake. While we have them captured in the car we can communicate. Once they start driving on their own you will never have chances to contain him for talks. And use car usage as a tool to get the kind of good behavior you want out of this kid.
Most parents are happy their kid isn't doing drugs and stealing money for drugs,. eye rolling and grunts would be party to alot of parents.
Soon enough youcan read Walking on Egg Shells- how to Navigate a the slippery pathsof communication between parents and young adults,,I've seen some workshop deaLING WITH THIS SVBJECT .
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