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It might not hurt to have either a video camera or just a recorder tucked away - just for the record. Sounds like they are just spoiling for a reason to not let him stay. Good Luck.
If you plan on doing any recording of the interaction between the parties, this website may be helpful to brush up on what is and isn't allowed in your state:
Depending on where you live there are different rules regarding consent and the medium that is used. For isntance, in some cases it is OK to record sound, but not video with only one party consenting. This is important as if the reason for recording is to prove what happened, it needs to be done in a way that is legally permissible or your proof will amount to nothing.
It's obviously a tough situation and needs to be treated gingerely. There was already a lot of advice in this thread that was very good, but just a few observations:
1. I agree with having an area setup to be "his" in your house. This would be preferable to an overt gift. This is also positive from the inspection end of things as it shows you are able to accomodate a childs needs. It doesn't have to be extravagant, just a nice little play area. If there is something there that he really gravitates towards is attached to, maybe let him take it with him.
2. It sounds as if the inspection really isn't an "inspection" just an allowance to let the mother and grandmother enter the property and assuage their fears. I wouldn't get uptight about the inspection side of it, but I do think it's a good idea to have the third party take a look through first, as they may try to use that clause against you and it's best to be prepared.
3. Staying calm and collective is extremely important. No matter what happens, don't let anyone lose their cool and if the conversation seems to be heading south, remind everyone that there is a child present. Edit to add, make sure you have a copy of the judge's orders handy and if it turns sour, don't be afraid to call the police to resolve the dispute versus arguing it out with each other.
4. I think your BF needs to work on the "my house, my rules" thing a little bit. Consistency is very important for all kids, but doubly so for a toddler. Unless the rules are really off the wall or asinine or the punishment is abusive, then they should be the same between the houses. This might be one area where your BF and the mother can reach some common ground. If the child is only allowed an hour of TV or to watch certain things, or there are defined punishments for certain behaviors, than they should be followed. Once the relationship evolves and the child is older, it becomes more acceptable to have things that are OK at dad's house, but not at mom's house and vice versa.
5. When it comes to what you can do, I think the best thing you can do is support your BF the best you can. It will take time for he and his son to develop a good relationship and they should be given the opportunity to do it. I'm not saying that you can't be there or be a part of it, but maybe just take a stepback and let them have their time versus being involved in everything they do. Also, if I were you, definitely stay out of any arguments or bickering. Try to be neutral as much as possible and let your BF know you are there for him. My main reasoning for this is, let's say it turns sour and an argument erupts. Maybe they will say something demeaning to your BF and you will naturally want to defend him, don't. You don't want to give them any ammo they can use against you and failing them proving that your BF is unfit, you could become their next target to prove that the child shouldn't be in your home.
Most excellent advice. I completely agree that the main way of order should be followed in both homes so as not to confuse the poor kid. One thing that bothers me...during the phone conversation where mama was telling bf what he can and can't do, one of the things she said is they let little one eat whatever and however much he wants, then he gets down and plays whenever he's done. My bf said its not going to be that way in his house, he will eat what is put in front of him and clean his plate or he will sit there until he does...even if its an hour.
Uh oh is what I'm thinking. But I'm staying completely out of it. I didn't say a word..even though I was thinking, oh this is not good. Bf said that's how I was raised and that's how I'm gonna raise him. They also don't spank..and bf said he'd "blister his behind" if he doesn't mind him. Another big uh oh on my part...
So yeah. I need lots of luck and a few prayers wouldn't hurt.
BF just called. As I said earlier, his lawyer is also his real friend and they have been in AA together for years..the lawyer said, so when are you going to invite me over for coffee? BF said huh? The lawyer said coffee at 8:30 at your house tomorrow morning would be real nice...BF said OH, ok.
So looks like the lawyer/friend will be there in the morning when they arrive. They are going to crap their pants when they see him. BF did ask if that's something the lawyer could get in trouble for and his lawyer said would I be doing it if it was? We are friends and what we do in our own homes on our own private time doesn't mean a thing.
My bf said its not going to be that way in his house, he will eat what is put in front of him and clean his plate or he will sit there until he does...even if its an hour.
Uh oh is what I'm thinking. But I'm staying completely out of it. I didn't say a word..even though I was thinking, oh this is not good. Bf said that's how I was raised and that's how I'm gonna raise him. They also don't spank..and bf said he'd "blister his behind" if he doesn't mind him.
Prayers being sent. So your fiance doesn't actually care about his relationship to his son? Because those kinds of things will ruin the majority of trust or goodwill between them. His son won't *want* to come over if his Dad's is stressful.
I would say a word - more than a word - because I know how harmful both of those practices can be. Said in a "You might want to consider making your child's time here pleasant" kind of a way, not "You're wrong!". Of course, I'm not you, and not in your relationship. Ugh, that hurts my heart to think of a 2-year-old being forced to clean his plate. You could ask your fiance how he felt when that was being done to him, and ask if he really wants to carry that practice on.
Most excellent advice. I completely agree that the main way of order should be followed in both homes so as not to confuse the poor kid. One thing that bothers me...during the phone conversation where mama was telling bf what he can and can't do, one of the things she said is they let little one eat whatever and however much he wants, then he gets down and plays whenever he's done. My bf said its not going to be that way in his house, he will eat what is put in front of him and clean his plate or he will sit there until he does...even if its an hour.
Uh oh is what I'm thinking. But I'm staying completely out of it. I didn't say a word..even though I was thinking, oh this is not good. Bf said that's how I was raised and that's how I'm gonna raise him. They also don't spank..and bf said he'd "blister his behind" if he doesn't mind him. Another big uh oh on my part...
So yeah. I need lots of luck and a few prayers wouldn't hurt.
I think you need to explain to your BF that he isn't "raising" his son quite yet. Seeing him a couple days a week for a few hours isn't "raising" him. He also hasn't been in the childs life much at all. He needs to put aside his personal feelings on this and go by the methods set out by the mother.
Also, 2 year olds are NOT 10 year olds. They don't necessarily understand the point you are trying to get across when you tell them they need to finish their meal or you spank a child who has never been hit. Comments like those made by your BF are memories from when he was older, not when he was a toddler and even then just because they were used doesn't make them right. How did he feel about them at the time? Also, if we are going to measure success here, something drove him to alcoholism, maybe there were some mistakes made early on and he shouldn't be propagating those mistakes.
Just to get the point across you need to think about a couple things which are borderline parenting style choices, not necessarily right or wrong things:
1. It is highly recommended by many people that you should not force a child to eat at specific times or force them to finish the meal. Provide them with healthy choices and let them eat what they want until they are satisfied. There are many studies that link obesity to the "cleaning your plate" mentality.
2. Spanking is generally frowned upon these days, but still practiced by a large number of people in certain situations and the right to do it is upheld in court. However, your BF needs to think long and hard about "blistering his behind" when he is talking about a toddler that he just got visitation of. My guess would be that if he did in fact spank the child he would quickly lose whatever contact he has gained and most likely never have a chance to get it back.
Think about it this way. The child will live under his mothers set of rules (which no court would object to her "rules") approximately 90+% of the time. Then he will come to your house and be expected to live under another set of rules. This is incredibly confusing to a child and will only stress the situation and make his behavior even worse.
Let's just say you sit down to eat and the child eats a few things, says he's done and goes to play. That is something he has done EVERY MEAL EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. Your BF is going to say, "no, you need to finish". The child will be confused and won't understand. Your BF will react by thinking this is disobedience and will punish him. Again, I guarantee you that if he hits him, he won't be seeing him again. The child has no idea why he is being punished and won't know how to react and will probably act out more and the situation will escalate.
If your BF doesn't understand these intricacies then he frankly needs more parenting classes and may not be ready for this.
That's an interesting one. Is this a one off 'inspection'? Is there a lot of 'fine print' regarding this? I find it odd that the court has granted visitation but has also granted the mother/grandmother this - and wonder if they actually have any power to legally defy the court order regarding leaving him there based on their opinions. It seems odd that this is not a third party decision, given the emotion involved. It should really be an objective decision...(not to pry, but I could only guess that they may have pulled this in regards to the AA classes, just because otherwise it's a bit odd)
But the 2 year old, distraction is great, maybe a little gift, explore the house a little. If he can be kept out of the 'inspection' process, and be interacted with during that time, that's probably for the best - does he know you? Are the horses close enough for a quick visit while the adults sort things out? (as long as mom doesn't freak out at you taking him out...)
And after mom leaves, distract him again. I hope it goes well.
I would see if a legal represtative if it need be a cop be present when they come to inspect the house. Id have hidden cameras..she sounds like she cant be trusted...just cover your guys asses..ask if he has a fave thing..show him lots of love..and I know she may not deserve it but shower her with kindness and give her respect...
Im glad your standing behind him and helping him thru this difficult and rewarding time
Enjoy the visitation.
got it. Ok..I totally get it and agree with every single point.
I don't really know what to say right now to you fine folks. But I do now intend to speak up. Just have to choose the right words at the right time. Especially about the eating/spanking thing. Good Lord this is going to be hard to explain to him. He is very hard headed and dyed in the wool country boy. He was a pro-rodeo bull rider at one time..he's 36 now. Maybe now you guys could give me advice on talking to him?
BF just called. As I said earlier, his lawyer is also his real friend and they have been in AA together for years..the lawyer said, so when are you going to invite me over for coffee? BF said huh? The lawyer said coffee at 8:30 at your house tomorrow morning would be real nice...BF said OH, ok.
So looks like the lawyer/friend will be there in the morning when they arrive. They are going to crap their pants when they see him. BF did ask if that's something the lawyer could get in trouble for and his lawyer said would I be doing it if it was? We are friends and what we do in our own homes on our own private time doesn't mean a thing.
Yeah, it sounds like mom and grandma are looking for things to use against him so he might want to hold off on blistering his behind...
And making a kid sit and eat what he's given is a bit harsh at 2. Also 2 year olds often don't mind the parents, 3 year olds..don't get me started.
I think that dad needs a firm but gentle approach while starting out on this relationship.
This sounds like it could be tough going, I wish you well!
If he wants his relationship with his son to be a positive one, he is going to need to use positive methods of parenting rather than the way he was raised. After all, as someone else said, the way he was raised got him into alcoholism and I am sure he does not want that for his son. He's been booze free for 10 years now, you say, so he also needs to learn some new ways of relating to his child.
With a 2 year old:
1. Model the behavior you want to see.
2. Assume he is good even when he misbehaves. Separate the misbehavior from the child's character.
3. State rules in positive not negative ways. (Use walking feet rather than don't run).
4. Give him choices. Keep nos to a minimum.
5. Offer healthy food often. At this age, kids need to eat small amounts frequently to keep their energy levels up.
6. Be sure that he is getting enough rest. Napping is a good thing, but if he doesn't nap, at least a downtime for quiet activities can be helpful.
7. Balance is important - balance active activities with quiet ones.
8. Look for the underlying causes of bad behavior and try to get the needs met. He might be hungry, tired, want attention, be overstimulated, etc.
9. Plan for situations before they arise. Stay calm. The more an adult gets upset, the more the child is going to tantrum.
10. Make amends when *you* make a mistake. Adults are not *always* right.
11. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings, but do give one and then act. Make sure that he knows transitions are coming. Timers can be very helpful for this.
12. Let him help with chores. Kids at this age love *helping.* Make sure that you take the extra time this will use. It's invaluable.
Good luck!
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