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In all fairness, my oldest is the one whom I least have to "rescue" both monetarily or emotionally. She nonetheless feels a bit slighted upon witnessing how much I currently invest on her sisters. I know the economy is tight, but she seems to use that as a reason to continue residing in the home I pay for, where her mother and sisters also reside.
I spoke to her not long ago about being on her own. In a sort of convoluted way she told me that she was working on it, but wanted to be on better financial footing before going at it alone. My advice to her was:
"if you're waiting for a perfect situation before taking it upon yourself to move on, you will never get beyond this point in your life. You have to accept that a good situation will always preceed a perfect one. Therefore, take the necessary steps towards independence while things are good because perfection may never come."
She responded by telling me that my advice was good. She then said, "yeah, if things don't workout, I can always come back home." I said to her. . ."Love, there comes a time when you have to burn your bridges and come to grips with the fact that you're just gonna have to make it on your own." Her eyes got about as big as two saucers! I saw panic in her eyes. The thought of being umbilically cut off frightened her.
So, there she is still at home. Closer to leaving than the others, but still afraid to flap her wings and leave the nest.
In all fairness, my oldest is the one whom I least have to "rescue" both monetarily or emotionally. She nonetheless feels a bit slighted upon witnessing how much I currently invest on her sisters. I know the economy is tight, but she seems to use that as a reason to continue residing in the home I pay for, where her mother and sisters also reside.
If they all live at home with a parent, they don't need to be rescued from anything. They have food and shelter. There's no rescueing that they truly NEED if they have shelter and food. You have to cut them off when they're still home in order for them to learn how to be self reliant. I warned you about sisters being upset if other sisters are receiving more financial assistance. Your oldest feels a bit slighted. You have to cut them all off at once and you have to do it now while they have a chance to learn how to figure things out for themselves under the luxury of food and shelter.
Don't think for a minute that this will happen without you cutting them off. If you don't cut them off, it's going to get worse when they move out on their own. The first years when they are out on their own is when true rescueing happens. Their problems will be bigger. Rescueing them will be even more expensive.
I have a friend who learned that the hard way. He was paying a mortgage for one daughter, utilities for another daughter, cell phones for everyone, cars, etc. I remember him always saying, "I have beautiful daughters. Why won't they get married so someone else can take care of them?!?!?" Then one of them did get married and he was rescuing her AND her husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chacho_keva
Her eyes got about as big as two saucers! I saw panic in her eyes. The thought of being umbilically cut off frightened her.
Your daughter's terrified eyes are the very reason you need to cut them off. Do you want them to be panicked and frightened when you die? That's the worst time for an adult child to learn this lesson because grieving the loss of a parent is hard enough on its own.
For the record, I moved out when I was 19. I wasn't like your daughters. I was on my own at an early age, working and paying for my own food, clothing and shelter. But if I totalled a car in an accident, I knew my father would help me get another car.
You know the other thing that adult children don't learn when they have parents who rescue them? Credit scores. I never established credit----good or bad----because my father would finance car loans. It would have been much better for me if he had left me to figure out how to get cars on my own. That way I would have established some sort of credit. LOL I couldn't even finance my own rescue after he died because I had no credit. LOL I'm not saying bad credit. I had NO credit because I never had transactions that could be evaluated. LOL
You don't want to do this to your children. Your kindness is harming them. You know that. You just have a hard time saying no.
Also, each daughter needs to go out on her own and get a measure of adult confidence, responsibility and maturity before they will be ready to get married.
It would be unfeasable for them to go from depending on you to depending on a husband, without any kind of transition.
Also, each daughter needs to go out on her own and get a measure of adult confidence, responsibility and maturity before they will be ready to get married.
It would be unfeasable for them to go from depending on you to depending on a husband, without any kind of transition.
Agreed. That happened to my sister. She was only 20 when my parents died. Her husband proposed to her the day of the funeral. She has been stuck in an unhappy marriage for 20 years because she's afraid she can't take care of herself. Her and her husband didn't have children for 10 years after marriage. She could have left this terrible relationship if she had confidence that she could take care of herself. So in that regard, it's actually dangerous to not teach daughters how to be self sufficient----it can set them up for living life with an abusive partner.
I can see letting them stay at home if they're not yet independent, and you can let them eat some of your food still.
But that's it. You should not have to give adult children cars, money for gas, you shouldn't bail them out on credit cards, loans. You should not give them money at all. Food and shelter is plenty and you can give Christmas and birthday gifts as clothing if they're still helpless that way.
And the older one should be further along in her weaning than the younger ones, she should stop comparing and look at her age.
I can see letting them stay at home if they're not yet independent, and you can let them eat some of your food still.
But that's it. You should not have to give adult children cars, money for gas, you shouldn't bail them out on credit cards, loans. You should not give them money at all. Food and shelter is plenty and you can give Christmas and birthday gifts as clothing if they're still helpless that way.
And the older one should be further along in her weaning than the younger ones, she should stop comparing and look at her age.
Totally agree. This what I meant by cut them off----from everything but food and shelter. They need to learn independence with food and shelter provided. The rest they need to figure out for themselves. That's how they'll gain confidence to actually try to move out on their own someday.
I can see letting them stay at home if they're not yet independent, and you can let them eat some of your food still.
But that's it. You should not have to give adult children cars, money for gas, you shouldn't bail them out on credit cards, loans. You should not give them money at all. Food and shelter is plenty and you can give Christmas and birthday gifts as clothing if they're still helpless that way.
Totally agree. This what I meant by cut them off----from everything but food and shelter. They need to learn independence with food and shelter provided. The rest they need to figure out for themselves. That's how they'll gain confidence to actually try to move out on their own someday.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
And the older one should be further along in her weaning than the younger ones, she should stop comparing and look at her age.
This is where we differ in opinions They're all old enough to be cut off from extras so they can figure it out for themselves. Just because the oldest doesn't go to him for help as often as the others is no reason for him to continue to rescue the others. It almost sets up an environment teaching they are better off staying dependent because there's no reward for the one who is being the most responsible. I'd agree with you if one of them was still a minor. But the youngest is 20 years old.
Totally agree. This what I meant by cut them off----from everything but food and shelter. They need to learn independence with food and shelter provided. The rest they need to figure out for themselves. That's how they'll gain confidence to actually try to move out on their own someday.
This is where we differ in opinions They're all old enough to be cut off from extras so they can figure it out for themselves. Just because the oldest doesn't go to him for help as often as the others is no reason for him to continue to rescue the others. It almost sets up an environment teaching they are better off staying dependent because there's no reward for the one who is being the most responsible. I'd agree with you if one of them was still a minor. But the youngest is 20 years old.
I don't disagree with you at all - but it's up to the parents, some parents might believe a child should be an adult at age 18 and others have a higher age - maybe 20 or 21. I myself think once they're out of high school, they can work for the things they want, certainly money to go out with friends and gas money. I think age 16 is even better - they can find odd jobs, part time jobs to get their own spending money.
I'm not sure what I would do with a 25 year old child still dependent - but I might not throw them out and see if they would freeze to death or starve. If they had problems but didn't cause problems in the house, I might let them eat my food and sleep in the house. I'm not sure.
I don't disagree with you at all - but it's up to the parents, some parents might believe a child should be an adult at age 18 and others have a higher age - maybe 20 or 21. I myself think once they're out of high school, they can work for the things they want, certainly money to go out with friends and gas money. I think age 16 is even better - they can find odd jobs, part time jobs to get their own spending money.
I'm not sure what I would do with a 25 year old child still dependent - but I might not throw them out and see if they would freeze to death or starve. If they had problems but didn't cause problems in the house, I might let them eat my food and sleep in the house. I'm not sure.
We're on the same page.
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! I saw panic in her eyes. The thought of being umbilically cut off frightened her. 
