Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am a very self reliant person, as is my older sister. Our other siblings and step siblings are NOT. But we were "forced" to be, at a young age.
My parents (my dad and stepmom) coddle my step siblings and for awhile, my older sister. I am the youngest of the set. Sometimes, it does hurt, but mostly it's a source of pride for me. When I really need help, he helps though I don't go to him unless I HAVE to. Knowing that, he is VERY generous with us when we ask. And sometimes, when we don't - which is nice.
My father keeps a running tally of how much $$ each child has 'borrowed' but never paid back. I don't have a tally sheet. Apparently, needing $300 or so to get us through something or the other over the years doesn't rate with asking for hundreds (and sometimes thousands) every couple months.
A couple years ago, my father and stepmom sat my dh & I down to discuss the will. Now THAT was vindicating - but boy are my siblings going to be pissed! They are also always full of praise for me, which helps to not feel so much resentment too. Yes, they "play Santa" for all the nieces and nephews. But as my dad told us, he doesn't NEED to do that for our children. My stepmom loves that at Christmas, my kid's needs don't enter into her shopping - she just gets to buy them whatever toys/games they want or whatever strikes her fancy. But when shopping for the others (in larger quantities) she has to weigh what they NEED (backpacks, clothing, etc) against her budget first.
I would advise that however you do it, make it 'fair'. Keep in mind though that 'fair' and 'equal' are not synonomous - just because Suzy gets free room and board and Johnny doesn't need free room and board, doesn't mean he should get nothing. Maybe Johnny needs/wants a couple gift cards to take his wife out to dinner once in awhile.
Obviously, I'm speaking to all parents with this dilemma. But with all things to do with parenting, keep in mind my perspective - that of a grown child. Some parents may have actual techniques that they've tried - some you can learn from by example of what to do - but equally important are those that show you what HASN'T worked. And someone with a 35 year old kid, still living at home, may not know what works, but they surely know what DOESN'T!
I'm glad you brought this up because, just this week, I did something for one of my daughters which, on the surface would not seem fair; yet underneath, it is equal given the individual needs of each.
My oldest daughter had a birthday in late November. Given her deep interests in her roots, she asked if it would be possible to receive enough $$ for her birthday to partake in a DNA test. I provided the necessary funds.
A few days after this incident, I spoke to my middle daughter who's embarking in a Master's program. She shared how she's been overwhelmed with school work. Obviously, she needs a break from her academic endeavours. As a result, I gave my middle daughter a one day pass at a day spa. The pass is good for a massage and a facial. My hope? That this will help ease her tensions.
Is this fair to the others? Not necessarily. Is it equal/comparable to what daughters number 1 and 3 have recently received from me? Absolutely probable!
Getting back to the topic, the main issues here are:
1. for me to reduce the amount of times I run to their aid each time they get in a bind
2. for them to realize that being independent and unable to resort to the security afforded by their father are normal transitions in life.
As difficult as this will be to recognize, you are the one who is able to control item #1. You are running to them and this is enabling behavior. And I'm not saying the situation isn't a difficult one at all. Maybe it would help you to talk to a therapist to talk about your need to rescue them and to ask for guidance to help extricate yourself from this. Because it seems that you are stuck in this pattern of being an emotional hostage. (And at the same counselling session, you could talk about daughter #3's issues.)
Maybe the solution is a serious discussion with the girls, and telling them there's a new plan: that they need to be on their own (you define what that means) by x date. Give them a heads up that the time is coming and exactly what that will mean in terms of shelter, food, insurance, cars, maintenance, etc., etc. Yes, they may panic, but they will have lead time to prepare.
For your second goal (to have them see that their independence is a normal transition), you can start by leading them to make a plan, but you cannot really change how they think. You can set your groundrules and limits and BOUNDARIES and they may very well NOT understand and think you are mean and unfair. But you have to able to withstand their emotional manipulation, keep yourself even keeled, and not give into the pattern you have fallen into. They will eventually get over it. I really think a short term gig with a therapist could help you with this. And don't let them hold you hostage with the "you did this for her, what about me??" That's really none of their business. Each is an individual with different needs. Your youngest may very well need some different support from the other two.
Just something to think about. The boundaries you set will have to be enforced by you...and that's where I think you could use some support.
I'm glad you brought this up because, just this week, I did something for one of my daughters which, on the surface would not seem fair; yet underneath, it is equal given the individual needs of each.
My oldest daughter had a birthday in late November. Given her deep interests in her roots, she asked if it would be possible to receive enough $$ for her birthday to partake in a DNA test. I provided the necessary funds.
A few days after this incident, I spoke to my middle daughter who's embarking in a Master's program. She shared how she's been overwhelmed with school work. Obviously, she needs a break from her academic endeavours. As a result, I gave my middle daughter a one day pass at a day spa. The pass is good for a massage and a facial. My hope? That this will help ease her tensions.
Is this fair to the others? Not necessarily. Is it equal/comparable to what daughters number 1 and 3 have recently received from me? Absolutely probable!
Dude, will you be my Dad?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
(One of THOSE dad's, bless his heart.)
