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beachmel, I hear you about some parents giving warnings (especially in a sweet voice) but never acting. In public I tell her "sit down or stroller" and I never fail to put her in the stroller when she unwittingly chooses that option. It is extremely tiring to follow through and sometimes, my only option is the one that hurts the most, having to leave before taking care of the things I needed, but then that means anything else we planned to do that was fun, goes out the window.
Be careful. As they get older, they don't want to be at the store. They will view leaving as a reward and misbehave just so you will leave.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
Hopes, I hate to admit it but I think we are at that point where we have to let her cry in her high chair. I will add however, that she seems to get it now but at 1 year of age, no way. So, yes, we as parents are recognizing when our expectations for our daughter have to change as she matures. It is what we are most comfortable with (maybe we are the slow ones). However, I do like beachmel's idea of sending her to her room if she cannot behave properly because my daughter responds well to "options".
We did time out on the stairs. There's nothing fun to do on the stairs (unlike the bedroom that usually has toys). Never needed to do it for table behavior, but I would have. That's why I asked how old she was. Sending her for time out to sit on the stairs could be an option. Like, "If you don't want to sit at the table with us, go sit on the stairs."
BUT remember, her bedroom isn't at a public restaurant. You won't be able to send her away at a restaurant. Making her stay and cry will be more effective, especially if you ignore her and never give in, than sending her to her room or time out on the stairs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
[At least I can have a nice, quiet dinner instead of going through that "training" period.
That's your problem You can't expect training periods to be easy. You have to be willing to endure training periods.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
[But I will try your suggestions about how you explain your expectations at the table. Also, I think my expectation of having a longer dinner was a bit too high.
Definitely. You need to keep meals to a short time period at first. That way you can reward her for good behavior. If the early meals are too long, she won't last and you'll risk not being able to reward her with praise for doing a good job. Wait until you have the table set, all food at the table, and everyone's plates already filled with food prior to bringing her to the table. That way, you shorten the time she is expected to sit at the table during the training period. After she has learned to stay at the table until everyone is done, you can drag out meals for as long as you want.
NEVER excuse her from the table when she's done eating. She needs to learn how to sit at the table past how long it takes her to eat. Since you and your husband aren't going to jump up from a restaurant table to leave as soon as she's done (well, you've been doing that but you need to stop), making her stay at the table until you both are done eating is the best rule.
I will be honest. My daughter should not be in restaurants or in eating areas like the mall. She will not sit down for more than 3 minutes most of the time and will start running and pushing chairs around.
So if I am expecting to have lunch outside of the home, I do not give her any snacks before mealtime to be sure she is very hungry. Hopefully this means sitting quietly for 7 minutes. I also bring or buy finger foods for me so I can eat on the go as soon as she is done sitting.
There is no such thing as "Shhh. Sit quietly please." I accepted that, make myself ready to leave and don't make other people suffer.
I did get a compliment once but the mother also said that she didn't take her children out for a long time. This was at a breakfast place in an upper-middle class area. We sat for a total of 10 minutes. Before that we were outside walking around. I usually sit her down a couple of minutes after the food is served so it cools down.
I have seen younger toddlers behave much better than she does, like sitting quietly with a toy for up to 45 minutes.
People claim to teach their children how to behave in restaurants. How do you do this? Do you allow your child to scream in their high chair at home until the "get it" that they stay their until mom says so?
One of the most important things is to model good behavior yourself. Sit in your seat and eat. Engage in conversation. Turn off the television. Don't model eating while walking around.
"Do you want a cookie? OK-sit at the table and mommy will give you a cookie." And make her sit and eat it. If she gets up, take the cookie away, and reseat her at the table and tell her she needs to eat at the table. Let her get up but not with the cookie. Repeat about ten thousand times.
Be consistent. If she gets up at mealtime giver he a choice between sitting and eating or not eating. Eat at the table or don't eat. No threats. No yelling. No food unless you are at the table. Again-expect to repeat this ten thousand times. It doesn't work if you only do it ten times.
.....I do like beachmel's idea of sending her to her room if she cannot behave properly because my daughter responds well to "options". At least I can have a nice, quiet dinner instead of going through that "training" period.
I think the idea of sending a child away only works if the child is attached to being part of the family unit. We have always told our kids "if you can't eat nicely with us then you can go to your room, wait for us to finish dinner, and eat on your own." That only works if they value being with the famly though. It works well with teens if they generally enjoy dinner with the family but it's not much of a deterrent if they hate family dinners and would be happy for any excuse to escape.
For that reason I would work very hard to make dinner time into a pleasant family time rather than a battleground. If family dinners are seen as pleasant times then your daughter will not want to miss them. In our family being exiled from the family unit is a "death penalty" type punishment. Our kids enjoy dinner time with us. Once we established dinner time as a special time then eating out became even more special. We packed up many dinners, and sat in the car with the offending child until the rest of the family was done eating however, if you spend the time with them they do grow up and learn good manners.
We eat frequently at a local restaurant/bar. My son took a girl there for lunch about a week ago. My husband and I went there for a drink last night and the bartender had waited on him on his date. She commented to me about how pleasant he is and how she usually hates waiting on teens because they are demanding and never leave a tip.
It was wonderful to hear, but it didn't happen overnight. When he was 2 he wasn't perfect. Keep your meals short. When you take her out keep it short. She's young. You can't expect her to sit for an hour.
I definitely need this. My son just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago and he has taken to dropping food while in his high chair. Sometimes he does it when he's done eating, but other times he drops, eats, drops, eat. My husband and I both tell him no, and my husband has popped his hand a couple of times. He does it at day care, too, but the teacher I talked to say they try not to say no a lot and spend a lot of time "redirecting," but I'm not even sure what that means.
We went out to Chili's the other night and he started doing it. Oy. He's not throwing, just dropping it right down beside him, so he's not disturbing others. I'd much rather have that then have him scream, but I spent 1/3 of my dinner picking food off the floor.
I definitely need this. My son just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago and he has taken to dropping food while in his high chair. Sometimes he does it when he's done eating, but other times he drops, eats, drops, eat. My husband and I both tell him no, and my husband has popped his hand a couple of times. He does it at day care, too, but the teacher I talked to say they try not to say no a lot and spend a lot of time "redirecting," but I'm not even sure what that means.
We went out to Chili's the other night and he started doing it. Oy. He's not throwing, just dropping it right down beside him, so he's not disturbing others. I'd much rather have that then have him scream, but I spent 1/3 of my dinner picking food off the floor.
This is a normal phase and he will outgrow it. It is annoying while it is happening, I understand that.
Redirecting means giving him other things to drop instead of food. In general, at home, once a child starts dropping food, it means he is not hungry and wants to play, so I would take him down and end the meal. If he is hungry in a few hours, you can feed him then. If you do this *every* time he drops the food, then he will pretty quickly learn to stop doing it.
Also, give him lots of opportunities to play the *drop game* with toys. It's the way he learns about gravity. It's also the way he learns about how to get reactions from the adults around him. Don't worry too much about this becoming a habit. Almost every kid goes through this at between 9 months and 18 months and they all grow out of it too.
It is a bit harder at restaurants, but I generally would say not to take him to restaurants unless he is hungry and ready to eat. Then end the session once he is playing or bring something else for him to play with in the high chair. He will probably still be dropping it, but at least it won't be food.
I think the idea of sending a child away only works if the child is attached to being part of the family unit. We have always told our kids "if you can't eat nicely with us then you can go to your room, wait for us to finish dinner, and eat on your own." That only works if they value being with the famly though. It works well with teens if they generally enjoy dinner with the family but it's not much of a deterrent if they hate family dinners and would be happy for any excuse to escape.
For that reason I would work very hard to make dinner time into a pleasant family time rather than a battleground. If family dinners are seen as pleasant times then your daughter will not want to miss them. In our family being exiled from the family unit is a "death penalty" type punishment. Our kids enjoy dinner time with us. Once we established dinner time as a special time then eating out became even more special. We packed up many dinners, and sat in the car with the offending child until the rest of the family was done eating however, if you spend the time with them they do grow up and learn good manners.
We eat frequently at a local restaurant/bar. My son took a girl there for lunch about a week ago. My husband and I went there for a drink last night and the bartender had waited on him on his date. She commented to me about how pleasant he is and how she usually hates waiting on teens because they are demanding and never leave a tip.
It was wonderful to hear, but it didn't happen overnight. When he was 2 he wasn't perfect. Keep your meals short. When you take her out keep it short. She's young. You can't expect her to sit for an hour.
Momma...I completely agree with your post, especially about sending your child away from the pack. Consequences for bad behavior have to be something a child dislikes. If the "consequence" you institute, is exactly what the child is attempting to achieve, it's not much of a consequence! LOL
I remember when one of my grown sons was in gradeschool. There was a child who sat near him in class. He was CONSTANTLY pestering and bullying my son. This kid badgered, took potshots, and teased him EVERYWHERE at school....his own personal bullying stalker. My son didn't want to get in trouble for hitting this kid back, because he didn't want to get in trouble. He had said something to the playground duty, said something to his "regular" teacher, and the other kid (and his friend) denied it. This kid was clever and did everything behind the teachers and duties backs. My son started acting out in class. He was, therefore, removed from class and sent to the ISS room, repeatedly.
I got several phone calls from the school, over a period of times. I'd let them know I'd speak with him (and I did), but let them know...YOU need to look into this situation, because I am getting a completely different story. That child is BULLYING my son, you're not doing anything about it, and I'm telling you, something is going to give here. You better start listening or HE isn't going to listen to YOU anymore. Well....let's skip down the road a bit......
He had a substitue teacher for a couple of days. This woman had known us and all of our other kids for over 30 years. All of a sudden, something happened in the classroom, but she didn't see it. My son started acting out, wouldn't listen to ANYTHING she was telling him to do, even picked up his desk and knocked it over! The school called me because he REFUSED to go down to the office. I came in...as mad as a wet hen! The principal said they'd go down and "try" to bring him down to the office. I said, "NO, I will go to the classroom and get him MYSELF". I DID! When I entered that classroom, and said in my MOM tone, "Get out here NOW!!" The entire rest of the class slammed their heads down on the desk and the teacher almost peed her pants (her words...LOL).
Oh believe me, we got to the bottom of it that day. It turns out, my child was getting himself sent to the detention room for several reasons. He was NOT going to listen to people who would NOT listen to him! He was removing himself from the classroom because he couldn't focus on anything, because of this kid. This other child had made him so angry, that he wanted to KILL him, but didn't want to risk getting kicked out of school or having the police called in. He would rather go to the small, supervised room, where he could work on his schoolwork in peace.
Perhaps some of these kids who don't want to sit with their families do it for a reason? I know I did as a teen. There was no such thing as a pleasant family sit-down dinner. My father had terrible table manners, yet he constantly watched others and picked them apart. He would reach over and grab things off your plate in order to get a reaction out of you. He would reach over and drink your milk and then tell you, "Go get the milk pitcher and get me some more milk!" At 14, I stopped eating at the table. My mother, fortunately, backed me up. "Leave her ALONE, she has homework to get to after dinner!" I would get all of the dinner dishes, except the ones at the table, cleaned up, having dished up a little for myself before setting the food out on the table. That was my idea of a pleasant dinner. After dinner, I would go to my room and do homework or play my piano. Sometimes kids are more at "peace" away from their parents. Are we parents being pleasant to be around? Do we make our home and presence pleasant and fun? or are we chasing our kids away?
Sorry....book time! LOL It was on my heart.....and now it's in yours. Have an awesome day!
I was at a popular sit down pizza joint at the mall today. It was packed---every table taken.
The table near us had two mothers with three young children. One mother had a four year old. The other had a six year old and a three year old. Dressed super cute in Christmas sweater dresses. Stunningly beautiful children, not just due to their outfits.
These kids were all over the place. I really didn't care until one mother yelled at her child. It was so loud. Right in my ear. The tables are packed in this restaurant. She was only 18" away from me. Her yell was ineffective. The kid didn't stop. As a matter of fact, the children got worse. Fortunately, the mother didn't continue yelling. But she didn't do anything.
Then the kids start grabbing empty chairs, their empty chairs from their table and empty chairs from neighboring tables, and pushing them around the floor and around their table, between that 18" space between the mother's seat and our table. One chair gets stuck. The kid is pushing it. Our table is rocking. The mother never even turns around to stop the child. She had to have known---her chair was being pushed too! And the chairs dragging on the tile floor were loud, sounded like nails on a chaulk board. The whole restaurant could hear these chairs but the parents were oblivous.
I know people have posted in previous "restaurant" threads that we should expect these things in family style or informal restaurants. BUT WHY do people think this is acceptable? This restaurant was PACKED with families and parents who had well-behaved children. Every other child in this restaurant managed to sit in their seats quietly!
I didn't say a word. When they left, my son (who had been grabbing spare chairs from the children and pushing them behind where he was sitting) commented on how aweful their behavior was and their mothers' not saying anything. I told him that was why we required him to sit at the dinner table until everyone was done eating when he was younger. Young children don't learn how to behave in public at restaurants if they are not taught at home.
I wanted to go to each of the tables with well behaved children and thank those parents for having taught their children! All too often, we only notice that parents with misbehaving children. I think all of the parents who have children who behave should be commended!
So, my "restaruant rant" thread is a tribute to all parents out there who taught their children how to behave in public!
You are in the majority and you deserve recognition!
Thank you...
It starts at home...
I was recently at the movie theater and their was a family right behind us..
They had a couple of kids..the kids kept bumping our seats, making all kinds of noise, crying...so I turned around and told the parents if they cant control their kids they need to take them out now, because I paid to see a movie not hear misbehaved kids..I think that scared them..cuz they sure took their kids out..and we all enjoyed our movie
I was at a popular sit down pizza joint at the mall today. It was packed---every table taken.
The table near us had two mothers with three young children. One mother had a four year old. The other had a six year old and a three year old. Dressed super cute in Christmas sweater dresses. Stunningly beautiful children, not just due to their outfits.
These kids were all over the place. I really didn't care until one mother yelled at her child. It was so loud. Right in my ear. The tables are packed in this restaurant. She was only 18" away from me. Her yell was ineffective. The kid didn't stop. As a matter of fact, the children got worse. Fortunately, the mother didn't continue yelling. But she didn't do anything.
Then the kids start grabbing empty chairs, their empty chairs from their table and empty chairs from neighboring tables, and pushing them around the floor and around their table, between that 18" space between the mother's seat and our table. One chair gets stuck. The kid is pushing it. Our table is rocking. The mother never even turns around to stop the child. She had to have known---her chair was being pushed too! And the chairs dragging on the tile floor were loud, sounded like nails on a chaulk board. The whole restaurant could hear these chairs but the parents were oblivous.
I know people have posted in previous "restaurant" threads that we should expect these things in family style or informal restaurants. BUT WHY do people think this is acceptable? This restaurant was PACKED with families and parents who had well-behaved children. Every other child in this restaurant managed to sit in their seats quietly!
I didn't say a word. When they left, my son (who had been grabbing spare chairs from the children and pushing them behind where he was sitting) commented on how aweful their behavior was and their mothers' not saying anything. I told him that was why we required him to sit at the dinner table until everyone was done eating when he was younger. Young children don't learn how to behave in public at restaurants if they are not taught at home.
I wanted to go to each of the tables with well behaved children and thank those parents for having taught their children! All too often, we only notice that parents with misbehaving children. I think all of the parents who have children who behave should be commended!
So, my "restaruant rant" thread is a tribute to all parents out there who taught their children how to behave in public!
You are in the majority and you deserve recognition!
Wow! That is crazy. And this is coming from someone whose kids are not perfect in restaurants, one of the reasons we did not dine out frequently when they were younger. For the times we did eat out, we learned to adapt; we brought activities such as coloring books and crayons, small snacks and even electronics. Anything to keep them occupied while waiting for our meal. I clearly remember one time even bringing my daughter in the bathroom to reprimand her for her behavior.
However, even though my kids were not perfect, they were NEVER allowed to play away from the table! That is just crazy! One of the waiters or waitresses should have alerted the manager who should have spoken to the parents. Seriously, it sounds like an accident waiting to happen.
I do have to comment on one thing however. Some family friendly restaurants need to be cognizant of what family friendly means; i.e. have crayons and activities available for the kids, and MOST importantly, serve the family in a timely manner. Hungry kids waiting for their food for over 1/2 hour is looking for trouble. Also, as a parent, if you're ordering appetizers for yourself be sure to tell the waiter/waitress to bring the kid's food at the same time.
Dining with kids can be stressful, but they shouldn't be stressing out the other diners!
I do have to comment on one thing however. Some family friendly restaurants need to be cognizant of what family friendly means; i.e. have crayons and activities available for the kids, and MOST importantly, serve the family in a timely manner. Hungry kids waiting for their food for over 1/2 hour is looking for trouble.
That's true. But this restaurant wasn't a waiter/waitress style restaurant. The pizza is already made. You pick out what you want and they heat it up. It takes 5 minutes and then you go to your seat. These people were already eating when we took our seats.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wsop
Also, as a parent, if you're ordering appetizers for yourself be sure to tell the waiter/waitress to bring the kid's food at the same time.
Good tip. Even asking for carrots or rolls for the children to munch on can make a huge difference.
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). However, I do like beachmel's idea of sending her to her room if she cannot behave properly because my daughter responds well to "options".
