Helping child stand up for herself and to others?

[liloulou]

Originally Posted by didee

What's her birth order? Just curious.

Generally, I would say (to all parents but especially to parents of a "sensitive" child):
1) always validate her feelings (that doesn't mean she's right; it means you acknowledge her feeling the way she does which is ok)
2) recognize accomplishments always
3) do NOT focus on "failures" - as a matter of fact, convey why failures are ok
4) give her attention and value her presence and participation in the family; make sure she knows she is an important part of the family
5) sensitive children worry about things; they don't need unreasonably high standards applied to them, nor do they respond well to criticism. If she gets all As and one B in school, ignore the bad grade and praise the good ones. This child needs building up, not criticism.
6) Of course, don't teach hitting
7) Don't nag her to "you must stand up for yourself!" That is criticism (that therefore you're saying she's not doing things right). She will construe that as criticism and it will just make the 'problem' worse. Do not ride her or come down hard on her
8) Giving her praise, recognition, valuing her as a person regardless of behavior, scholastic performance etc. is really important.
9) The point of all this is to help her develop self esteem and self worth. Then she'll more naturally deal with adversity because she'll have more innate confidence. She may NOT RESPOND TO ADVERSITY in the same way you would or that you think she should. Nor does she ever have to. She is her own person, not you and it's ok for her to be different.
10) Make sure she knows that she, and the things she does, is ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH.

I really like this posting... thank you. She is the first child... and yes, as I've posted in other postings about her, we've never really had to discipline her because she is so sensitive, once we give her "the look" or say one comment of what she did wrong (if she hits her sisters or does something naughty), she retreats and knows she acted out inappropriately. She is indeed very different from me in terms of personality which is why I reached out here and why I think reading the book Dorthy suggested might help me understand the sensitive child that she is.

She does worry about things already, has a long attention span for playing or doing reading/math worksheets, and is very particular about doing it "her" way when it comes to getting dressed, or organizing her toys, etc...She is really a smart, loving and compassionate child.

Thanks again for all of your ideas.

[Dragonfly8]

3 of my 6 kids have this personality. I can be a blessing and can also cause difficulties.

My youngest is also 4 and tender-hearted. She has been in childcare at church since birth, Mother's Day Out and is now in Pre-K. And she can handle herself.
She did need help.

If something happened at school, I would empathize with her.
Example:
DD: Her friend took a book from her at the Reading center and she was sad.
ME: (with empathy) I'm sorry that happened and I can see how that would make you sad. I would not be happy if someone took something away from me.

Me: Hmmmm, you know what? I'll bet we can think of something for you to do when something like this happens again. Do you want to? (You're voice needs to sound hopeful, thoughtful and encouraging)

Then role-play. Start with 'what would/could you do if......You be her and let her be the other kid. And then switch. Keep it light, fun and encouraging.
Talk about it on the way to school to help her remember.

And always tell her how much you love her tender, sensitive little soul.

[icibiu]

Your daughter is still very young and i'm assuming there is a very low student to teacher ratio in her classroom, use this to her advantage.

My son is the same age and what I've been doing with him is practicing at home what to say when someone is mean to him (which at this age could be any of the kids any given point, let's face it 4yo's don't know much about valuing lasting friendships and loyalty. They are very ME ME ME). The phrases are very simple so he can remember them and not get tongue tied at the moment he needs them. Basically "Hey, that's not nice, please stop" or "If you want to play with me then you have to be nice" if he has to say it more than once he's been told to say it louder the second time since the teachers are never far they can step in at that point. If they do it again and the teacher has not heard his protests he seeks out the teacher to tell her what is going on. Usually though, calling the kid out the first time works wonders. We practice a lot at home and talk about different situations and how to be assertive without crossing over into being mean yourself.

I'm also teaching him to stick up for other kids if someone is mean to them instead of just being a passive observer, which IMO is a huge problem with bullying. All the other kids know what is going on but it's not their problem so they don't do anything. Again he just says something simple to the kid "Hey, stop being mean to her/him. What's your problem?"

[icibiu]

Oh yeah, one last thing: I also make it a point to interact with the other kids at daycare when I pick up and drop off. I can usually spot who my son has had a falling out with because the kid won't look me in the eye or pretends they don't see me. I just try to be extra nice to the kids and let them know I know who they are (I use their names when addressing them). This usually eases tensions pretty quick, although last year one little boy wouldn't look me in the eye for 3 months!

Even if it doesn't help with the bullying per se I know who to ask about at dinner time so we can go over the problem. And I never overlook that the problem could be MY kid, so I make sure to ask if he's treating people with the same kindness he expects.

[lucygirl951]

My oldest daughter is very sensitive, and from preschool through 4th grade, she came home with story after story of this one or that one being mean. We role played sticking up for herself over and over again.

Now that she's in 5th, she's very good at sticking up for herself and at avoiding girl drama altogether.

Don't give up! It'll sink in!