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Is it possible that she will receive a lot of judgment or unsolicited advice on her parenting from these people, and that's why she doesn't want to see them or deal with them yet? If this is her first baby, but the others already have kids, maybe that's what she doesn't want. Especially if, as you say, she has already expressed that she doesn't approve of how they parent their own kids and plans to do it differently.
First, no, I do not think you should say something, especially not to her, as your relationship is already strained. If you feel something needs to be said, get the person in your family who is closest to your eldest son (closest in age brother maybe?) say something.
Second, did she actually say "you are not allowed to see the baby"? Or did you infer that from her behaviour? For example, you may have wanted to come over in the evening when it's past baby's bedtime, or invited them to a busy restaurant when she isn't comfortable breastfeeding in public yet etc. Put the ball in her court- say something like "I know new babies are a lot of work, let us know if you'd like us to come over and hold her for a couple of hours so you can have a nap" or "Your baby is so wonderful, we would like to see him sometime next week, what time would suit for us to come over?"
Second, did she actually say "you are not allowed to see the baby"? Or did you infer that from her behaviour?
What she actually said after a month had gone by was that my husband and I could see the baby on a Wed from 3-4. Since my husband wasn't available at that time, at her suggestion we set a time for the following week. same hourly time frame. I didn't push for visiting or staying longer because I understood that she was probably exhausted. She had a C-section too so I knew she'd probably be in pain and trying to rest as much as she could. ( My son stayed home with her for 3 weeks so he took care of her and the baby, and I did offer to help out but she declined) . I also understand and was fine with the thought that she might not want me there but would prefer having her mother help her.
We invited them out for dinner the other night but they refused saying they couldn't bring the baby out yet. I didn't push the issue but I'm sure her mom would have gladly babysat. My son really wanted to go but I don't think she did. Maybe she's afraid to let the baby out of her sight?
She didn't offer to let me hold the baby either, and I didn't ask. She didn't seem to want to let go of it. . We practically had to go through a decontamination process to even see the baby, and we're not dirty people so that wasn't it. We weren't allowed to use cream rinse on our hair, hair gel, spray, perfumes or aftershave because she didn't want the baby near any fragrances. We had to stay away from anyone smoking.. which was fine.. My husband and I even washed our jackets before going just in case we had any fabric softener fragrances on them. But, I just chaulked it up to her being a new mom and wanting to do everything 'right'.
She doesn't seem to be in any discomfort since the C section 6 wks ago, but i've never had one so I don't know how long the discomfort lasts. Maybe she's still recovering from that?
What I truly don't understand is why none of this side of the family (my adult kids) are allowed to see the baby but her side obviously has many times.
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Is it possible that she will receive a lot of judgment or unsolicited advice on her parenting from these people,
Thats a possibility but she's not afraid of confrontation, so I think she might just tell them to bug off or something.
I think you're going to no matter what anyone says here.
Just try to be kind and good natured about it. Don't be accusatory and don't yell. Keep compassion in your heart. This is a conversation that could set the tone for years to come.
I'm sorry, but your DIL sounds a little strange. The whole no fragrances (I can understand perfume) seems really overboard. What should have been an enjoyable event seems to me to have been a stressful one with too much strange preparation involved. You didn't hold your grandchild? My DIL and son were throwing my granddaughter my way from day one. Now, at nine months old, she is happy and content to be held by all family members and doesn't cling to mom or dad.
Unfortunately, I think the strange events that you just described are just the beginning of the issues you are going to have with DIL regarding your grand child.
Sue, I agree with you and am not offended. I even nicely suggested as much one time, but he's told me and others many a time that it's not worth the argument to get his way and that he just wants a peaceful home to go home to. So, I let it drop.
I just remembered something she said to me last week which may explain her behavior. Out of the blue she mentioned something about the time before they got married that her and my son argued. He apparently told her he didn't want to marry her, and then he came to my house to sleep. All I knew at the time was that when I woke up there were signs that my son had been here but I didn't see him, and when I asked him about it he said they had an argument and that he did sleep here for a couple of hours but left early in the morning.
i had forgotten all about it until she brought it up. I'm wondering now if she's trying to limit my sons contact with me and the rest of this family because she's afraid of losing him? My other son is getting divorced and moved back home here.
Dew.. I'm very torn about speaking to him about this. On the one hand it may be easier to hear it from me, but then there's always the chance that it could back fire on me which I don't want either. On the other hand I know the rest of his brothers and their wives are hurt and angry that she hasn't allowed them to see the baby and I'm concerned that theres going to be a big blow up about it soon and I'd hate to see that happen.
KJ, my other DILs and stepdaughter never acted to this extreme with their kids and we see them often. Congratulations on your granddaughter! This baby is our 8th grandchild, 4boys and 4 girls but they're all precious.
Sue, I agree with you and am not offended. I even nicely suggested as much one time, but he's told me and others many a time that it's not worth the argument to get his way and that he just wants a peaceful home to go home to. So, I let it drop.
glad you didnt take it personally
you need to stand up for your rights. even if its HIM bringing the baby to you to visit. if DIL doesnt want to see you, fine. she can stay home or go shopping with friends or something.
on a slightly off topic but still related note, my mom shows almost NO interest in my kids. I really wish she did (but the history between us is tenuous at best, and i wont hijack your thread to relate it).
hubbys family is the same. no interest in us or our kids.
I'd take my son out for a wonderful lunch and have a one-on-one to find out WHY. She has her reasons unless she's a complete loon job. It sounds like he is siding with her? Remember, you are the mom. She's the woman who is in his bed.
(My sister did this with her first born and it caused a few hard feelings. But she finally said she was tremendously afraid he'd catch something from a lot of visitors. Simple as that. It was hard but we all forced ourselves to accept the fact that she was the mom. Not us. Once he hit his first birthday she was calling us up to watch him because she needed to get out of the house!)
We invited them out for dinner the other night but they refused saying they couldn't bring the baby out yet. I didn't push the issue but I'm sure her mom would have gladly babysat.
At two months old I didn't want to leave my children.
My son really wanted to go but I don't think she did. Maybe she's afraid to let the baby out of her sight? She didn't offer to let me hold the baby either, and I didn't ask.
May be you should have asked?
She didn't seem to want to let go of it. . We practically had to go through a decontamination process to even see the baby, and we're not dirty people so that wasn't it. We weren't allowed to use cream rinse on our hair, hair gel, spray, perfumes or aftershave because she didn't want the baby near any fragrances.
I had to use special laundry detergent and couldn't use fabric softner when my son was an infant. He would break out in a rash.
We had to stay away from anyone smoking.. which was fine..
Duh!
My husband and I even washed our jackets before going just in case we had any fabric softener fragrances on them. But, I just chaulked it up to her being a new mom and wanting to do everything 'right'. She doesn't seem to be in any discomfort since the C section 6 wks ago, but i've never had one so I don't know how long the discomfort lasts. Maybe she's still recovering from that?
C sections hurt and she's probably just getting over the pain. Lets not forgot lack of sleep.
What I truly don't understand is why none of this side of the family (my adult kids) are allowed to see the baby but her side obviously has many times.
I think you should say something politely and just let both of them know that it would mean so much to you to be apart of their's and your grandchild's life.
Thats a possibility but she's not afraid of confrontation, so I think she might just tell them to bug off or something.
Good Luck!
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