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I think it's just a crime that some parents seem to "check out" on their teens and there is NO supervision at all. It seems they just don't have the time until something goes really wrong, like a pregnancy or drug addiction. I am shocked to find out what some 13 and 14 year old kids are doing. How far do you go to keep tabs on your kids? Do you snoop through their things? Do you read their texts?
Reading another thread about lying caused me to post this. We have come across and addressed a couple of issues by reading my sons texts. And we come up with a creative lie to explain how we knew about something that we read. Frankly, I don't care about snooping and lying when it comes to finding out who's having sex, doing drugs, screwing up at school. I do not want to be in the dark and oblivious to these things. Some kids just plain have to much freedom, too much money, and too little supervision!
I like to feel that I don't need to keep "tabs" on my kids. I only have one teen left at home, but I've always listened to what they tell me, and kept the means of communicaation wide open.....in other words I've been a non judgemental listening ear to any problems or difficulties they are going through.....I will give my opinion...maybe advice...but always with respect to them, I guess that's why they tell me all, and we are very close......I trust them to tell me things, and they can trust me not to respond with anger.
By the way...at 13 and 14 years old....... I always knew where they were!! I can't imagine not, though I do agree with you that too too many children aren't getting the guidance they sooo need at that age.
How far do you go to keep tabs on your kids? Do you snoop through their things? Do you read their texts?
My kids are 17, 14, 12 (all boys). I do not snoop through their things. If they gave me a reason to snoop through their things I would but I see no reason to snoop if they are getting good grades, do not show any signs of substance abuse and are respectful to others.
I think that if you expect your kids to lie then they will. If you snoop on them they will hide things from you. We have decided to take the route of open communication.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L.K.
And we come up with a creative lie to explain how we knew about something that we read.
If you lie to your child do not be surprised if he starts lying to you. After all they learn from you first. My son was recently filling out a college football recruiting questionnaire and one of the questions was "What people have been most influential in your life?" My son's answer was "My parents." YOU are the most influential person in your child's life and if you think it's ok to lie to him he will think it's ok to lie to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L.K.
Frankly, I don't care about snooping and lying when it comes to finding out who's having sex, doing drugs, screwing up at school. I do not want to be in the dark and oblivious to these things. Some kids just plain have to much freedom, too much money, and too little supervision!
I don't understand why YOU need to know who is messing up in school, who is having sex and who is doing drugs if it's not your child. That just sounds like you want to be up on all the middle/high school gossip.
You know you could try a novel approach to parenting and have an actual relationship with your child. One where they tell you things and you tell them things. One where you ask questions and actually LISTEN to the answers. My kids will answer me if I ask them questions.
I asked my 12 year old if kids in his grade were smoking pot and he say "Yeah Mom, but that's just dumb." That told me all I needed to know for now. I don't need to know WHO it is and my son's reaction told me a lot about his attitude.
Some kids are not as forthcoming with information, and I understand that, but I don't see how snooping through their things and lying about doing it really fosters the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids.
If they had already proven themselves untrustworthy that would be another story. I would have no problem snooping under those circumstances. However, without any cause for suspicion I cannot see snooping on my kids.
My kids are 17, 14, 12 (all boys). I do not snoop through their things. If they gave me a reason to snoop through their things I would but I see no reason to snoop if they are getting good grades, do not show any signs of substance abuse and are respectful to others.
I think that if you expect your kids to lie then they will. If you snoop on them they will hide things from you. We have decided to take the route of open communication.
If you lie to your child do not be surprised if he starts lying to you. After all they learn from you first. My son was recently filling out a college football recruiting questionnaire and one of the questions was "What people have been most influential in your life?" My son's answer was "My parents." YOU are the most influential person in your child's life and if you think it's ok to lie to him he will think it's ok to lie to you.
I don't understand why YOU need to know who is messing up in school, who is having sex and who is doing drugs if it's not your child. That just sounds like you want to be up on all the middle/high school gossip.
You know you could try a novel approach to parenting and have an actual relationship with your child. One where they tell you things and you tell them things. One where you ask questions and actually LISTEN to the answers. My kids will answer me if I ask them questions.
I asked my 12 year old if kids in his grade were smoking pot and he say "Yeah Mom, but that's just dumb." That told me all I needed to know for now. I don't need to know WHO it is and my son's reaction told me a lot about his attitude.
Some kids are not as forthcoming with information, and I understand that, but I don't see how snooping through their things and lying about doing it really fosters the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids.
If they had already proven themselves untrustworthy that would be another story. I would have no problem snooping under those circumstances. However, without any cause for suspicion I cannot see snooping on my kids.
Excuse me MOMMABEAR, the "novel approach"? I take GREAT offence to you thinking I do not have a relationship with my kids. How condescending. We do talk to our kids, and actually have great relationships. My teen is in National honor society and on a premier league team sport. We have no reason to not trust him. I want to be aware of what the people he associates with are doing. It's beyond middle school gossip. REALLY. It's called knowledge. And knowledge is always a good thing!
Of course any reasonably bright kid is going to say, "yeah mom thats just dumb", when asked about smoking pot. Don't be so naive. There's nothing wrong with checks and balances to go along with the communication and teaching. Good luck to you. As for us, I find that a little checking up enhances our communication. It has fostered a relationship where small things can be addressed and talked about before there is potential for harm in any way.
Just to further clarify, I'm not implying that snooping is the only parenting technique that should be used. It goes along with communication. I think even very good kids have the potential to go down the wrong path from time to time. And I also think that sometimes even good kids may "lie by omission".
Open dialogue is wonderful. I get the "one where they tell me things and I tell them things". In fact, it's great to see when what you're saying to your child is expressed by them to their friends. Like drugs ruining peoples lives. I just want to know that All is ok. Maybe if others had put that such effert into snooping, their kids lives would have turned out differently. Everyone knows of those parents who thought everything was just terrific with their kid..... and then, oppps
I want to be aware of what the people he associates with are doing. It's beyond middle school gossip. REALLY. It's called knowledge. And knowledge is always a good thing!
I acquired this type of knowledge about other kids too, via overhearing the kids talk in the car while I was driving them places or my children telling me themselves. I never did anyting with the knowledge. I never confronted my children about what I heard. I just stored the knowledge away so I could adjust my parenting accordingly.
For example, when I was driving a group of 11-12 year old kids home from roller skating, the kids started teasing one kid who was sitting in the backseat for getting a blow job from some girl. I didn't say anything---pretended I didn't hear. But that knowledge propelled me to intiate a new level of sex education with my son a week later. I never brought up what I heard. I merely stepped up the sex education.
Whenever my children would tell me things about other kids themselves, I never freaked out or gave them lectures. I asked them questions about what they thought, etc. I believe they were very open and honest with me because I never made them uncomfortable telling me things. I never forbid them to hang out with kids I heard things about. I let them work through those things themselves via informal conversations. I didn't pressure them. I wanted them to form their own conclusions.
I just want to know that All is ok. Maybe if others had put that such effert into snooping, their kids lives would have turned out differently. Everyone knows of those parents who thought everything was just terrific with their kid..... and then, oppps
But you don't need to snoop. When kids figure out their parents snoop, kids get very good at hiding things.
For all you know, the parents who thought everything was terrified, but wasn't, might have been parents who snooped and their kids got very good at hiding things from them.
I would feel totally in violation of privacy if I read all of my children's texts, emails, whatever. I don't need to know things that their friends say. It's so unnecessary. And really, I do not need to know everything about their relationships with friends, about what their friends do. It's too much.
Also, the gossip among my kids' friends is waaay too much information, unless my kids want to tell me (I remember telling my mom lots of gossip, but she never asked!). I mean, I'm not going to tell my son he can't be friends with a boy because he's had sex or something. I don't pick my kids' friends... so snooping doesn't offer me a benefit in that area.
Also, I do believe in trust. Why should they trust me to help them if I don't trust them at all? Yes, I'll provide plenty of guidance and know what they're doing and everything. But snooping is not necessary for keeping an eye on them and helping them get through situations.
And L.K., you said it was "naive" to take her son at his word about smoking marijuana. So you don't trust what your kid tells you? That's a bit heartbreaking, that you wouldn't take what your child told you at face value and that you wouldn't trust your perception of his reactions.
My kids haven't hit the age where this is a major concern, but I feel that snooping is a major violation of trust between parents and kids. Trust and respect are a two-way street and I can't imagine as a child feeling any less trusted or respected than knowing that my parents are rooting through my things, looking at my activity on the computer and reading the messages on my cell phone.
I tried to think of a case where I would snoop behind my child's back and I honestly couldn't think of one. If my intuition about something being wrong was strong enough to compel me to snoop, I think I would confront them first and have them with me while I did it.
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